My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

You only see one side!
There are also lots of children being placed in care by their REAL parents, lots of children being raised by grandparents too…
The ‘family’ has broken down in general, this isn’t just a step child or adoptive child issue.

There is no “the family”

some families break down
others don’t and are happy

The fact is the ds wants to reunite the “original” family. The ex-dh wants his wife back. Yacht for a week - no escape and close quarters… it could all go according to plan for those two.

The dw is either very naive or holding a candle for her ex-dh.

As others have said, it’s not waving your spouse off for a birthday meal with their ex there - it’s a week-long yacht holiday (24-hour close proximity, bikinis, trunks, wine late into the night…).

The kids aside, surely your biggest issue here is your wife’s behaviour. She lied to you about where it came from, protected exH, and only contacted you once? I don’t want to put ideas in your head but reading all this my most clear thought was if your wife and her exH had rekindled something?

I think some of the comments here about blended families are remarkable and come from people’s own personal pain. Kids don’t get to dictate that their parents holiday together and it’s also really suspicious any 18 year olds great birthday dream is a family holiday! Mine was misspent in Magaluf 😂

But the old family unit doesn’t exist any more. There is no unit comprising both biological parents and siblings. The parents decided that when they divorced. In this case the father unilaterally decided it when he committed adultery. Those decisions are in the past and everyone has to live with what exists now. That’s particularly the case when people have moved on and formed new relationships. I am baffled by this thread, although I think a lot of it is just people who relish any opportunity to give the OP a kicking, especially a male OP.

Are we really raising a generation that does what they want and sod everyone else? Sod everyone else’s feelings and sod the long term impact ….
oh wait…

My son's step son adores him, and his father. He doesn't MAKE him do anything. The boy has different relationships with them, and knows and values both.... dad is dad... my son is best buddy... I have oniy responded to the many views that blended families never work ... But it doesn't seem to matter what I say... posters are determined to misconstrue everything.... I don't know where you get the massive drama bit from... not aware I said anything to warrant that.... I have just pointed out that some blended families are just that .... FAMILIES!!! It seems like I've committed a crime by having successful blends. And this post is about the OP actually, and how he's NOT been given due consideration from his step children or his wife. And his 10 years of efforts have been thrown back in his face by a spoilt brat and an unsupportive wife, and naturally he's upset and confused by it. And it's going to be a different dynamic for him going forward.

You think “the family” is “broken”

You think we are raising a generation of selfish humans

Daily Mail reader by any chance?

If you can’t be selfish about who you invite to your own birthday party / dinner then when can you. It’s literally your party.

I’ve said I don’t agree with the holiday. But if the son wanted a birthday dinner without op and his children I’d find that fine he is an adult having his birthday.

And how do you feel about him describing your children as his children?

What a bizarre thing to say. Yes I do get to choose whom I invite to my birthday but would hope that if I excluded (which is what was intentionally done here) someone who holds me dear, that I would be put straight and not pandered to.

He is an adult you telling an adult who they can and cannot invite for their own birthday 🤣🤣.

Back in the real world adults invite who they want they don’t get told who to by mummy and step daddy.

If I didn't want my step siblings at my birthday celebration I'd be in a dysfunctional blended family.

The OP's problem (aside from jealousy of the ex) is that he thought they were a happy family unit of 8, only to discover not everyone in the family feels the same.

I expect there's also some insecurity because the ex is absolutely minted while he very much isn't.

In the real world, adults don't expect their long divorced mummy and daddy to cosplay being back together just to please them.

It wasn't just a birthday dinner fgs, its expecting his mum to spend a week on holiday (a secluded, private , close quarters holiday) with her ex.

Totally different matter.

And most adults can understand that if you deliberately don't invite/ exclude/ whatever you want to call it someone you have previously been close to, they will be hurt and confused - that actions have consequences.

Exactly this.☝

I would take the 18yr old out of it given he's clearly still immature enough to be casting aside a stable family unit for the sake of appeasing a philandering exh/father.
DSS is learning at the feet of the master! He will be a replica.

Cynic that I am, money talks and no doubt that will be forefront of the DSS reasoning.
A more mature person would have considered the feelings of his mum and stood up for her / not pressured her. The kids could have gone off and enjoyed the yacht trip with their philandering bio dad.

I would be asking your wife why she has allowed herself to be manipulated by a monied ex. And is this going to be ongoing when the other two kids reach 18?
Precedent has been set now, can you live with that?

I already said I don’t agree with the holiday part.

But a general birthday dinner, party, graduation, hell their wedding.

Adults get to invite who they want and really children shouldn’t be forced to have guests they don’t want either really but we all know children never get much say.

Gosh this thread is filling up fast!
I remember your last thread, OP.

I do believe that blended families are not in their children’s best interests and rarely work out. I’m not going to berate you for that though, we live and learn and I’m sure you and your wife did what you thought was best for you all and, it’s already happened now and two wrongs don’t make a right.

So, I don’t blame your step son for what he said about who his ‘real’ family is. They are valid words and feelings. But absolutely none of this is an excuse for her ExH and her son to orchestrate this ‘family holiday’ and for them to use emotional blackmail to guilt trip your wife in to going. I think the real issue here though is the exH. Your step son is young, yes technically an adult up but not mature enough yet to see things from a fairer perspective. The exH, however, sounds like a manipulator.

Then that’s great news, but not everyone is the same. You seem quite angry with the boy (whose actions we can only see through the eyes of OP) as if he has hurt you personally, informed by your own experiences, and therefore you seem unable to imagine his perspective.

The OP has decided he’s been rejected, and is upset not to have received phone calls or messages when he only dropped them off yesterday. That seems fairly bratty to me, so maybe the boy has learned that from him?

So when parents divorce a child should never expect them to attend an activity together, because that’s asking them to ‘cosplay being back together’?

Having time with his bio relations is one thing. I get that from step sons POV. But as a wife and mother I think your wife is utterly wrong to ho along with this. If she respects and loves you she woukd have said no to being without you for that long. I think your wife is need to point your wife to this thread. After the first day of celebration she should get off and get a flight home.

sounds to me like step son and maybe ex are hoping she will spend a week with them and rekindle the relationship. Is ex also married?

The fact that for the ex she lied to you would be a massive betrayal for me tbh.

Sorry, OP. But you have your answer.

Why didn't the stepchildren live with their bio dad?

No it's reasonable to go to a graduation or wedding or even a birthday meal. Ten days on a yacht is really different.

Of course there are children being taken from their biological parents but that’s not the point is it?

You compared adoptive and step parents, I responded to the comparison. Lots of good ones and some less good ones in both categories, and a mix of successes and failures also.

I answered your original thread and said

if it was me I don't know how I would move forward from this/ come back from this, as which ever choice the wife makes she will disrupt the family and the way things have been.

Perhaps that is exactly why the ex husband suggested it...

he wants to cause upset and fraction the two blended families into two separate families

I don't know the man, but it seems strange to suggest this to his son for his 18th

But you accept it if they decline and don't try to guilt them into attending.