My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I’d want to do this too. I also wouldn’t want to be contributing to expensive gifts and taking money from my own children to give to children that don’t consider me their actual family.

Your wife allowed this situation tbh. The holiday with ex with her going should never have been suggested or entertained and she should have shut it down and told her children it’s not happening. Normally I’m always don’t upset children for an adult but in this case she was actually willing to harm your marriage, family dynamics and hurt her own stepchildren instead of saying no I won’t be holidaying for a week with my ex husband and playing happy families.

Reconsider your priorities. This would be extremely hard for most marriages to come back from.
im sorry your children and you feel so hurt. I bet you feel like the other secret family whilst your wife is playing happy families with her ex. She’s crossed a huge boundary here many would not accept.

This.

You see it all the time. The new couple thinks the familiy is blended … the teenagers put up with it to keep the peace / genuinely want their parent to be happy. Six teenagers brought together… iF things are mostly fine most of the time they you’re doing well.
But that’s not the same as seeing everyone as true family. If you kick off about this now you will have issues forever. The best thing you could do it take is gracefully and not give your step son any reason to feel guilty for wanting a very natural thing. 18yos are at a funny stage of life… leaving childhood behind and wondering what kind of adult life they’ll have. You still can be a positive role model in his life - this is a chance to model how to deal with hurt/disappointment in a healthy way, without making the people who had no choice about the “blending” feel bad.

To be honest, my full-blooded biological sister was awful to live with. I'd go as far as to say she bullied me for a period.

I totally agree with you on blended families, though. Traditional families can have enough problems as it is before break-ups and bringing in strangers.

🫣 Well I guess we'll never know since you are in your first marriage and are still happy together.

But maybe come back to us on your second happy marriage when your second husband is prioritising his ex wife over you and both their and your own children are grown and probably ready to leave home to start uni and demanding you sacrifice your new relationships for them.

I'll wait.

I can’t see anyone I know being ok with it too. I feel awful for the poster. He has a serious wife issue! She should have told her ex and children NO.

In this situation i think your biggest issue is your spouse. I think the only sensible solution here was for your spouse to enjoy a day together with the bio dad for their son. Personally if my spouse decided to go off and play happy families for a week with his ex and kids,he would be stuck with that option for good. It sounds like your spouse decided to prioritise her own and others feelings over yours, is that really ok with you?

Truthfully, couldn't do it. I can already see the massive potential for conflict of interests and I just wouldn't go there - so don't wait.

What do you plan to do op, in my opinion your wife should probably have said to her son that it was a no to this holiday because of how disrespectful it is to her marriage.. At 18 he is old enough to understand that.
The thing is now this has happened where will it end.. Shared birthdays and holidays and weddings, are you really prepared to go along with that because I couldn’t.
Im lucky that I get on well with my husband’s ex wife, she’s married herself and he gets on well with my husband.
Of course all children would probably prefer there parents to stay together and not have to pretend to enjoy blended families, but you sound like a decent guy who has tried his best to be a good step dad, I don’t think any of this is fair on you, your children or your wife, she needs to put her foot down or it’s probably over between the two of you.

Totally agree with you 💯%.
My son was 5 years old at the time,( now 15) he has grown up emotionally disturbed and I'm sure it was the seperation.

Did you enjoy that @WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz ? Unnecessarily unpleasant.

I don't think that is always the case by any means, but what I do think is there is far too much nonchalance about how it won't affect them (I mean how can it not to some degree?) and I also worry about the whole philosophy of prioritising of the new relationship over the child. That just tends not to happen in healthy families with both bio parents, because 9 times out of 10 those conflicts don't exist; both parents want the same for the child.

I realise life is complicated, relationships fail, but I don't believe sweeping these issues under the carpet or minimising ("He's 18: he's had ten years to get over it") is the way forward. Homelife is a big deal.

Clearly we've time travelled and living in Victorian England. "Broken home"? 🙄

The ss is manipulating the situation and shows at best total naivety, at worst an ungrateful and spoilt attitude and I stand by that statement

It isn't Victorian England and people accept subsequent relationships are a reality. But I do think the tensions and realities need to be acknowledged and addressed for that to work without really impacting too many children.

ETA what we are realising as the children of the first generation of widespread family blending are speaking out as adults is that there are wounds from it - hence the anger so evident on threads such as this. A pp dismissively told another pp that she clearly was bitter from her own experience and needed therapy (or words to that effect) - but isn't that exactly the point?

It can work i am sure, but there needs to be transparency about what hurts and where the pitfalls lie - and this kid is being honest about that. He shouldn't be vilified nor should people be endorsing his DSsis telling him to pull his head in over it. He can express his feelings about what his homelife looks like. That's how we learn.

Are you for real? Her son is 18 , he is an adult and should know his mum has the right to be happy and that betrayal is wrong in a marriage . Sorry this kid is being a petulant AH and if started a precedent so this marriage is probably over

What an OTT reaction!
I am surr very few will agree with you.

It’s not over the top, ops not a robot he’s aloud to not want a wife who goes on holiday with her ex husband.. Can you not imagine how shitty that must feel.

Are you suggesting that this unhealthy relationship would be the child's fault? Or that the health of their relationship might have been negatively impacted by the blended family situation?

In his last thread, the OP said that he just tried to reduce the amount the child's dad spent on him because it made his own kids feel left out - I'd imagine that has probably damaged their relationship too.

Plus, if the mum's relationship with her husband is contingent on her refusing to go on a holiday that she would otherwise be happy to go on, either because he doesn't trust her with her ex, or because he doesn't want to hear that his stepson doesn't think of him as family, then surely the health of her marriage should also be called into question too?

I think you are right, and it sucks. Take the red herring of the 18th birthday out of the equation. I would be annoyed about the whole week trip on a boat, with the Ex - who has manipulated the situation because he has the excuse of the birthday, and no,the wife shouldn't have gone!!! Shes been coerced into by the ex and made to go by the son.

Sorry @Derkkk . It would be divorce for me