My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

I can't believe you think this is just about a yacht trip.

Not sure how strong the marriage is when his wife has gone on holiday, on a yacht, with her ex husband she admits wants her back. If she loved OP she would not do that to him - she would wish her kids a great holiday and stay with OP

I don’t think it’s just about a yacht trip either. I think it’s mainly about a cheating, manipulative ex husband throwing a spanner into his ex wife’s’ marriage and using his son to do it. Not to mention a wife who has demonstrated that she has absolutely no loyalty to her current husband.

It could be that. It could also be that the manipulative, cheating father has somehow created this whole situation. As you say, we don’t know the full dynamics going on. But the bio father was the one who caused the family to split and yet the snippy comments about the blended family being a failure and a sham keep on coming. The op appears to be quite empathic and I don’t blame him for being upset.

My family is blended in the sense that my ex and I split when our child was very young. Both went on to remarry and have more children (no children on either stepparent side which I suppose does make it easier) and I can categorically say it was the best thing for everyone and our shared child is very happy and secure. The notion that blended families are always doomed is untrue and I think perpetuated on here by people who have sadly had their own bad experiences and want to project and/or judge.

Either way, his wife has behaved terribly.

Absolutely this. Anyone who can’t see the manipulation on the part of the ex husband is deluding themselves. But then anyone who thinks it’s remotely appropriate to go on holiday with an ex when you’ve been married to someone else for ten years has to be batshit. But then when it comes to step kids not getting their way in absolutely everything, no matter what the fallout, simply because they’re step kids MN loses it’s collective mind.

I apologise for getting that wrong, in that case.

Is he spoilt generally ? As it’s very unkind to exclude you and his step siblings for an entire week.

Seriously? I get why people think his mother shouldn’t have gone with him, but if she hadn’t, this would just have been a father taking his kids on holiday. Surely he’s allowed a holiday with his father? And surely you wouldn’t expect him to pay to take his ex-wife’s new husband and his kids with them?

Yes, absolutely, as usual on MN it’s all the fault of the step parent. Stepson didn’t think of it until his father suggested it - the same father who was a serial cheat and doesn’t make any secret of the fact that he wants his wife back. If DW wasn’t so completely disloyal to OP she would have spoken to her DS and put appropriate boundaries in place. She didn’t. So you have to assume she’s up for it.

Oh for the laughing emoji - seriously he sounds like a spoilt brat

Your step son sounds horrid, so so spoilt and ungrateful

OBVIOUSLY I don’t think it’s just about a yacht trip !!
I was just commenting on that specific post

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for his father to want to holiday with his kids to celebrate DS’ 18th. If he wasn’t prepared to extend the invitation to OP and his family he should never have extended it to DW. I don’t think who pays what even enters into it, it’s the pressure brought to bear to force DW to go on the holiday. It’s nasty on the part of the ex, and it’s completely disrespectful on the part of DS to his mother. He’s 18 not 8.

This is all on your wife. She's a grown adult who should have shut this down, its so inappropriate

But that’s a separate issue.

As both you and your wife get older and both your kids and hers move away and get on with their own lives, you should be looking forward to a relaxed burden free life together, free of the ups and down hassles which are part and parcel of life when two families try to stitch themselves together. Only …now you can’t. This situation isn’t about the kids. It’s about you and your wife. She has chosen a week with her ex ( REALLY ? ) despite your misgivings and despite the reasonable compromise which you suggested. Patently- you are well down her order of priorities, emotional or otherwise. As such you are in grave danger of losing the respect of your own children. The ‘togetherness’ family which you thought you had has been an illusion. The fact that you’re on here betrays the fact that you knew this in any case. Either way, the illusion has been shattered. Regardless of how the kids feel about one another or their step parents, you and your wife should ALWAYS put each other first. It’s now clear that in your relationship that has only been working one way. If you let this moment pass, you will always carry resentment. As the song says .. Breaking up is hard to do .. especially when you’ve put so much into a relationship, and avoiding the pain and upheaval of separation might seem inviting … but there’s no way back from the humiliation you been dealt. Put yourself and your kids first. It’s what your wife has done. Separation looms.

The step son has his feelings. He tried to hide them but would you judge him for feeling what he feels

Jesus, the poor kid. His parents split up. His family broke. It’s obviously caused him real pain. He wants a week to have it back together.

Stop making this about you and your feelings.

Where do I imply any fault on anyone?
My point is Different interpretations and
experiences

I imagine you have quite a tendency to kick off in RL @ThreadGuardDog

So…he’s 18 and doesn’t mean it. You have to remember children want their parents, and put up with blended families as they have no choice. It doesn’t mean you and your family mean nothing to him, he was just venting. The person you should be annoyed with is the father who manipulated the whole situation. I also think your wife should not have given in, but I also understand her not wanting to hurt her son. If he’s the oldest buckle up for the next two turning 18.

You clearly have no insight or understanding of the needs of a young adult whose parents are divorced.
I sincerely hope you aren't a step parent

Seriously…

I should imagine that most kids would prefer to have both their actual parents back together in an idea world. Their parents have been their parents since birth after all and are loved. So you really shouldn’t take that personally.

An 18 year old despite being legally an adult is still emotionally immature. He just wants what he wants. Your wife should have shut him down immediately, however that is hard if you are generally a people pleaser - especially saying no to someone you love on a special occasion.

I think you’ve handled it well. Your ds should know that actions have consequences and it’s no bad thing that your daughter has pointed out that his wants, have hurt members of his blended family. You could also say that you understand why he really wanted both his parents but that you can’t help feeling a bit hurt as you love him like your own child.
But now it’s time to smooth things over and your daughter should do too.

Your step son was given too much power with his wants. Talk to your wife about how this could have been handled better and resolve to learn hire to handle similar demands in the future. You need to be on the same page and set boundaries going forward. She could say that it was a one off that all her kids benefited from, but it isn’t really appropriate to repeat it and so it won’t be happening again. Your wife needs to say this and stick to it. You can’t be seen to be being behind this or you’ll be the bad guy and the one they resent. Your wife needs to step up.

But don’t take it personally. Of course kids would prefer their parents be together if they have the choice, no matter how wonderful the step parents are.

Why ? She should never have agreed to go, and then none of this would have happened.

No, he is a young man who has divorced parents and wants to spend a milestone birthday with his bio family.
That doesn't discredit his non bio family in any way.
Step parents /parents who remarry often fail to appreciate that the needs of the children need to be prioritised and children will always be impacted by remarriage.
To describe the ss as horrid is cruel and unkind and demonstrates complete lack of awareness into associated emotions.

And I sincerely hope you’re not suggesting that having his mother and father playing happy families ten years after they divorced, and putting his mother’s current marriage at risk, is in any way reasonable.