My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

It’s a week I think.

No-one forced her to go, just like no-one forced her to maintain social contact with him via their respective families. Presumably you don’t think that’s ‘cosplaying’? Many posters are more incensed about the infidelities than she seems to be. But all the ire directed at the boy, as if he has the power to ‘force’ her to do something she doesn’t want to. She raised him, she’s chosen to do something he wants to. OP’s beef should be with his wife, and he should reflect on whether he could have been more perceptive about the reality of his household.

The exH, however, sounds like a manipulator.

He almost certainly is. He is wealthy, cheated yet wanted to stay with his wife, which tells us he is also entitled.

But that aside, the step son still said what he said and OP's wife still went on a yacht trip with them all.

I don't agree that this must all be on the ex. I am sure his ex wife knows exactly who he is. She still went. This isn't manipulation, this is agency.

The OP has all the information needed to know whether he wants to stay in this marriage, and subject his kids to a second status set up.

All of this is fine, and I know I will be flamed for this but there is an element where the kid should just deal. I am clearly not talking about circumstances where they know "someone you live with would rather you weren't part of the family" or "To be tested as a child because you have a room in the house" and "resented because you want to spend time with your parent on your contact days" like @Zippedydoobaah but I endlessly see step parents on here tying themselves in knots and being tied into more knots by levels of utterly unreasonable expectation. Being expected to be supportive and there with a parental role but being told that actually you shouldn't expect that means any reciprocal understanding that actually this is your home and that actually whilst the child is at the centre of it, they are not the only piece of the puzzle.

Don't get me wrong I think there are times when parents of children are terribly selfish. I know someone who split with her partner, has a new partner and has spent most of this year travelling with them leaving the teenage kid at home cos "it's her time". FFS.

However, this man is trying hard. He is clearly under pressure from all sides to be all things to all men and this child is not seeing anything else beyond himself, which won't do well in the world at large, or for his mental health when he realises that actually a bit of understanding goes a long way.

If my husband went off on a holiday with his ex and DC and told me that I wasn’t invited and neither were my DC, I’d tell him not to bother coming home!

@Derkkk your wife and SS’s actions have been very hurtful towards your children, not just to you. Do you honestly want to stay married in these circumstances?

In general I agree although there are always more emotions behind your own parent refusing an invite.

Again the holiday too far but if she had declined a dinner then that would have been poor form on ops wife.

As it stands the son forced a us or them choice and the wife ultimately picked her children over her husband.

Back in the real world “adults” have consideration for people’s feelings- especially those who’ve raised them and treated them as their own.

Wow thats some hefty baggage you have there. Get some therapy. This thread isn't about you.

If the son only views op as mums husband rather than a step dad that is perfectly acceptable. He has his actual father who he is close to. Just because op lives in the same house doesn’t mean the son sees him as a father figure.

By the sounds of it the son doesn’t agree that this is a blended family or step family at all he feels he has no place in that new family and only has one actual family.

if you’re married it’s fairly unusual to go on holiday with your ex and tell your husband he can’t come, birthday or other reason.

Sorry op but you sound deluded. Our kids. No they’re your wife’s kids not yours. You and your wife created a blended family and maybe just maybe the little dream world you created wasn’t wanted by your step kids.
if I was you step son and your daughter had said what she said I would’ve laughed her out the building. She doesn’t get to dictate what her step sibling wants. Perhaps these attitudes is why your step son has put his foot down!

That is a pretty dismissive way to respond to someone who has shared something topical to the thread.

But you have kind of made the point I think that poster was trying to make: people underestimate and dismiss the impact blending can have on children in their developmental years.

Sometimes it works - of course it does - but being dismissive of the negative impact it can have is out of step with attitudes accepting the importance of MH.

She doesn’t get to dictate what her step sibling wants.

This

The son may not want it to be a blended family but that’s exactly what it is. He may not like it and like countless other adult children, wish his parents were still together, but he’s placing his mother in an unfair position of having to chose either upsetting him or her husband. She’s made her choice and in the process probably ruined her marriage as op is justifiably upset. Her son might see this as a victory.. I’d like to think my son would consider my happiness and relationship too, even at 18.

That is, however, a slightly different issue from the fact that the OP has said he is hurt by the way the DSS described his feelings about the blended family.

Loads of assumptions in this post and the standard ‘all blended families are shit / the kids hate it / they will all be emotionally damaged bla bla bla’.

Op has said that the unit has worked well for 10 years. Not every blended family is doomed and some kids are far happier in these families than with their bio parents who cheat on and abuse each other.

The ex is a piece of work, OP, and I feel badly for you.

It is probably true that most of the time children would prefer for their parents to suck up their problems and not divorce, or to stay single if they do. I think parents who remarry owe it to their DC to choose a step parent who will look out for the children and treat them very, very well indeed.

It sounds like you have been that step parent OP. This doesn’t mean we have any idea how your step children feel. However there is a real thing called alienation of affection recognised by the courts: someone, usually an adult, sets out to turn others, usually their children against a specific person - often the other parent. I wonder whether the ex has been subtly campaigning against you? (I haven’t RTFT so forgive me if someone has already mentioned this)

The 18 yo is entitled to his feelings, although the situation is incredibly sad. He and his father are not entitled to force a fantasy life on you and his mother. While the young man bears a lot of guilt and his father is hugely problematic, his mother should not have buckled. When she learnt that her ex was driving this plan her next step should have been family counselling.

In your shoes I am not at all sure I could continue the marriage.

Your last sentence is true, but the DSS - who, with all due respect will know more than you do about his feelings - would dispute the idea it worked well for 10 years.

And that is the very point people are making: sometimes the adults want to think it works when the children think it doesn't. That seems to be what has reached a head in the OP's situation.

Yes the op has said it’s been great
The current situation points to that not being other’s experiences of this blended family

Yes, there's no getting round the fact that the people involved don't all have the same view on how well it's worked for the past 10 years. It's understandable that OP feels hurt, as it's no doubt come as a nasty shock, but he can't decide on behalf of others that it worked well full stop. In the same way that DSS feeling as he does doesn't mean the last decade didn't work well for OP and probably DW.

The dss can hate the OP, detest the blended family, loathe his step-siblings…

But it’s the dw who has gone along with the “original family” holiday and thereby jeopardised her marriage and the family set-up with the OP and his dc which has been in place ten years. I expect the OP’s dcs now will think less of her, as well as their stepbrother.

I think the dw’s only option is to reunite with her ex because if I were OP and his dcs I’d certainly be very hurt and unimpressed with her going on the yacht trip.

Just as an alternative perspective, this could be viewed as the OP having been sucked in and used by his wife. I may have misremembered something but it could be argued she has had a 10 year marriage to a man who has accepted her children as her own, treated them as equally as he could, happily embraced the 'we are all family' ethos, not taken issue with her and her family continuing a very busy social relationship with her ex, and is now expecting him to be ok both with her being economical with the truth regarding where the holiday idea came from and actually attending a week long intimate holiday with a man apparently still holding a torch for her. And to be so again potentially twice more.
Not suggesting this perspective is correct, and also not wishing to minimise the importance of the children in this scenario, but it's possible the OP is deserving of some sympathy. As would be the case if the sexes were reversed and the OP in question was the step Mum.

It’s worked well in his opinion. So it’s worked well for what he and his kids wanted. But oerhaps his step kids have reached adulthood and thought thank god we can stop the charade!