My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

For someone (the wife in this case) to do this…indicates they aren’t happily married in the slightest.

Why was the OP’s first thread about this pulled by HQ for Breaking talk guidelines?

SS had this idea put into his head by his father. A serial cheat and manipulative arsehole who his mother divorced years ago. No matter how much he wants his bio parents to spend his milestone birthday with him, forcing them together for a fortnight’s holiday is simply batshit and that should be explained to him. A meal out with the bio family - yes, absolutely. Throwing your divorced parents together on a two week holiday with no partners present absolutely not. And I don’t believe for a single second anyone on this thread would even think about allowing their own partner to do it.

Well in that case OP should have no problem giving her her freedom then should he ?

In your version the mother is entirely passive then? It’s the son who has forced the mother to choose, not the mother who has made a decision?

No, curiously it’s only the batshittery that abounds on MN that irritates me - mainly because it’s exactly that. Batshittery.

I think kids of divorced parents would give up their right arm, XBox and a place on the football team to have their Mum and Dad back together.

Completely disagree with what you have said.

I remember OP’s original thread a few weeks
ago and posted on that about a similar situation. My friend’s son was also turning 18 recently. He’s done well in his exams and she said ‘What do you want for your birthday? Because it’s a big one I can give you money towards a car, a gap year or whatever you want. He said ‘I just want to go for a Sunday roast with you and Dad, like it used to be’. They had split up about 18 months before and it had been very acrimonious. Like the OP’s wife, my friend went to the pub for Sunday lunch with her and her ex and their biological kids.’ That’s all he wanted.

If you think deep down kids care about Xboxes and iPads over their family, you’re deluded.

Some adults have no idea what a divorce will do to a child. Every screwed up adult I know traces it back to their parents splitting.

Everyones allowed to feel how they feel..

But the ExH is a prick for suggesting this to his kid.
Your DW is a dick for going along with it.

And your SS should have a conversation with some sensible adults (ideally his parents but it seems they're not sensible, in different ways) about how we might LIKE to do something, but asking for that something and expecting it, is inappropriate.

Asking your divorced parents to get along and be nice at a family meal or even a day out - reasonable.

Asking them to spend a WEEK in close confinement when one can't just up and leave - not acceptable.

You jumped on my post without actually reading it. Maybe calm down a bit?

what is your relationship like with your
step child (ren)? @ThreadGuardDog

Attending an event for an evening is not the same as going on a weeks holiday, which yes, is cosplaying happy families.

Also depends on the circumstances of the split. I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to spend any time with an abusive ex, however much the kids would like that to happen.

Because the poster I was replying to accused OP’s stepson of “excluding” OP and his kids. I was pointing out that they would never have been included in this trip, regardless of whether OP’s wife went.

The difference here is that OP and her ex haven’t been split up for 18 months, and DS doesn’t want a simple Sunday roast. They’ve been split up for ten years, his mum has remarried and OP has helped provide a home for him, and he wants mum and dad to go on a two week holiday together. And the big difference is that it wasn’t originally DS’s idea. It was his dad’s. The same dad who made no secret of the fact that he wanted DW back, and who hasn’t remarried.

seriously ?! 😆

Absolutely lovely thanks. She’s 26, we treat each other like bio mother and daughter and she has just given us a beautiful grandson.

Over my dead body would my husband be going away for a week on a yacht (or anywhere) with his ex wife without me. That’s it. I would issue a divorce ultimate about that and I don’t care about the back story. We’re all allowed different boundaries and that’s a hard one for me.

If her relationship with her adult son is contingent on her being able to be blackmailed into going on holiday with her ex, that's not a healthy relationship.

Parents need to be able to tell their children 'no, that's not appropriate '.

I absolutely did read it. A happy wife wouldn’t do this, a happy DS wouldn’t want this. And yet the OP still thinks up to now everything is fine. And yet you say you’re not inferring blame on anyone ?

Your wife is at fault here. She should have explained to your son how hurt you would feel and not kept anything from you. Blended families are so complex you have to understand his bio father will always come before you he didn’t ask for them to separate so has probably been masking how he really feels. I do wonder tho if he just said what he did to your daughter in the heat of the moment but it is so sad that their relationship has now been affected by this. As for how you move forward I really don’t have the answer but firstly I would have a serious conversation with your wife

That seems very dramatic. It is clear that she was under a lot of pressure from the children and she probably feels guilty having already had to raise them in a broken home. Your idea of the perfect blended family may not be the same as your stepson’s - chill out and enjoy the time with your own children.

A happy wife would not behave like this.

That’s not to say it’s anyone fault but it indicates to me that she is not happy in the marriage despite the OP believing otherwise. Wouldn’t be the first person to think their spouse was happy when transpire they are not

Your wife should have said a firm no to this shit show.

That fact you regard someone being unhappy in a marriage as inevitably the fault of their spouse is depressing @ThreadGuardDog

What is your relationship like with your step child @ThreadGuardDog

As the child of divorced parents it was super sad for me not to have both parents come together to cleebreate me for my 18th . Th eonly times they ever did was when I graduated. My dad remarried and had another kid and I never get invite eon holiday with them. So feel the pain of both your dss and you.

Regardless of how the kids feel about one another or their step parents, you and your wife should ALWAYS put each other first.

I actually disagree with that. DH and I are happily married (first marriage) and we would never put ourselves ahead of our dc. It really isn't necessary in a healthy relationship and I think demanding that of a spouse is a bit off - especially if the dc you want to be prioritised over aren't yours.

I can’t believe your wife agreed to that. I’m so sorry! The people here saying that it is perfectly reasonable are the same that would be saying completely the opposite if it was you going on a yacht with your ex wife and leaving your current wife and step kids at home. I would reconsider the marriage tbh.

On the other hand your SS, I also feel you, is very hurtful specially when you consider him 100% family. He should know better but is true that at 18 we all say things without thinking or we realise in the future how immature or hurtful they can be, so I hope he realises one day.