My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

And the husband is old enough to know that a child might want to spend time with his parents. 🤷🏻

And she agreed to it - so she's not that uncomfortable!!

Agree with this. Your stepson is turning 18, he isn’t 12. He is old enough to understand that not all relationships work out and that however much he may want his Mum and Dad to be together that isn’t how things are.
A dinner with both his parents as they get on well is a good idea. A whole week away on a yacht ? Really quite a strange thing to want and unreasonable for all parties involved to think this is ok (it would be different if everyone was invited, obviously). Is your stepson quite immature emotionally? Is he spoilt generally ? As it’s very unkind to exclude you and his step siblings for an entire week.

I would consider it disloyalty and consider my marriage done if this was me. But I would not cater to my kids so far as to vacation in any way with an ex for their birthday. Kid can want all they want, but tough. No way would I do this, especially if ex is manipulative.

Your wife put her kid's birthday ahead of your marriage. Your stepson is happy to jerk you around and try to end your marriage.

He is 18 not 4. A meal would understandable but a whole holiday just for his birthday is ridiculous.

A happy wife wouldn’t do this

A happy step son wouldn’t want this

and yet @Derkkk is adamant that until now everything has been blissful

He is old enough to understand that not all relationships work out

He is absolutely old enough to know this - which is why he is trying to say he feels his blended family relationship hasn't worked out from his perspective.

Yes, the argument and principle in that post work both ways. If DSS just turning 18 is old enough to understand, OP certainly is.

Exactly this. The adults always seem to think their blended / step family is working.

The children often don’t and often won’t admit it to their parents even when older but will share it with their friends and even teachers.

I don’t see this as a you v the kids at all. I wouldn’t go on holiday with my ex because he’s my ex, if I wanted to spend tone with my ex (especially stuck on a boat) he wouldn’t be my ex.
all she had to say to the kids is no, I don’t want to spend a week with my ex partner.
your wife is entirely to blame for this.

I have never been in this situation - I took the decision to stay single when the kids were younger and focus on them - and now I have been single too long to be able to live with someone and 'compromise'
That said - when he wants hand outs and help with University costs - remind him you are not his family

Or maybe the boy’s father has proposed the idea, he’s got excited about it without thinking of anyone else (I’m not blaming him, it’s fairly normal at that age) and when he’s been confronted by his DSSis he’s felt angry and possibly a bit of shame, and lashed out about wanting to go away with his “real” family.

That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s always hated OP, or hated being part of a blended family. My DD has said awful things to me at that age. She didn’t mean them, she just wasn’t mature enough to control her uncomfortable feelings.

your wife should of point blank said no! I’d be wondering about a divorce it seems it may be coming anyhow how in the world did she think that this was okay ? So what if the kid didn’t get his own way boo hoo so now it’s yours and your children’s feelings hurt .. no I definitely wouldn’t continue this

My wife and her ex's family are still close. He's still invited to my in laws' home, as well as to my wife's sister's parties and family events, and my wife's family also attends events hosted by his family

In many ways it's good if the adults can maintain a civil relationship, if only for the kids' sake, but considering what the ex is supposed to have done to your wife I'm a bit surprised her family still want so much to do with him

Unless of course they too are hoping for a yacht trip ...?

I'm a bit surprised her family still want so much to do with him
Unless of course they too are hoping for a yacht trip ...?
Or are able to put the children's welfare above their own annoyance and recognise that having a strong relationship with their father is beneficial.

This sums it up perfectly. You sound like a lovely guy and your wife is being incredibly unfair to you. I’m not sure where you and she go from here.

My honest opinion? I think the yacht trip is totally strange.

It is basically your stepson wanting to live out his fantasy of the perfect 18th Birthday trip with his biological Mum and Dad, and your wife is wrong in going along with it. She should not encourage her son to have this fantasy come true, as being 18 is about growing up and learning to deal with reality, which this trip is not. He may still hope it brings his parents back together, from his comments about “real” families.

Instead, your wife should have explained to her son why the trip was completely inappropriate, and instead, it should be a holiday and birthday celebration with his Dad only. I do not understand why she didn’t do this. I am in agreement with you and empathise with your hurt and confusion.

Nah, it's about money.

Maybe they don’t like the newer husband “op”

Wouldn’t be the first new partner to be on the sidelines as the family keep the ex in the picture.

Though I do think it’s nice to keep lines open. Nice for the children to see that mum or dad doesn’t just suddenly disappear because they separated.

Has anyone considered that the OP’s wife might prefer to be on the yacht supervising her daughter and two sons rather than just waving them all off to sea with one adult on board?

Feel this is awful for you and your children. Yes, the ex is a complete and utter ‘see you next Tuesday’. However, sadly, your wife is also complicit. If this was me, wild horses wouldn’t get me on the trip. Besides being so manipulative, it would feel so awkward. She hasn’t ’put her child first’ at all. She should have explained to son that this boat (very apt) has well and truly sailed, nothing is getting mum and dad back together so stop the wishful thinking. He and sibling are welcome to go but a big NO to her going. Your wife is clearly a very weak and silly woman.

You sound really decent OP, I'm sorry you have this shitshow to deal with.

If you have a strong marriage and it sounds like you do , you can move forward from this.
Your feelings are valid and it is hurtful after 10 years.
Im 51 my dad is 74 my dads wife died a month ago she segregated her kids and my dads kids me and my brother.
They took my brother In to live with them when we were younger but I got turned away.
Ive only recently had my dad back in my life for 4 years she had 4 kids from another marriage I actually have no time for any of them my only connection is with my dad I actually get corrected by one of my dads late wife's sons he says " our dad " he has been corrected by me .
Lots of times we do just want our biological parents saying that my mums husband is an absolute legend and we love him dearly.
Blended families are difficult dont let this bump in the road spoil your marriage x

I feel for you OP, this must be really upsetting. Fundamentally, it does seem strange that your DW agreed to this, I don’t think many would. Maybe a couple of days but not a full week. I think she will regret it.

Your DSS may also regret it, if it does divide the family. And it will, even if you all stay together. He has drawn a line in the sand.

It’s possible that your DW and DSS could arrange something afterwards that would bring you all back together which might work. But I think they would need to do it.

However, the younger step children are nothing to do with this so I would hold your fire and see what the next few months bring. I admire your strength and commitment to your blended family.

There are lots of possibilities.

When the story has been relayed from one perspective only, there always are.

I do feel bad for the OP in this situation. His hurt is clear in his posts and one can understand it.

But it does not detract from the fact that the situation is complicated and he is not the only one to experience fallout from it, and not the only one who is clearly facing difficulties navigating it. The relationship has not been a pure and simple success from the outset; the OP himself has admitted the inlaws have continued the ties with the father and I am not going to be quick to assume that is purely about money. What do they really expect to be given by a divorced ex? Fancy Christmas presents maybe?

The web is tangled and there are clearly a lot of emotions to be taken into consideration. But the OP has an interpretation that is very much one note when it comes to who is hurting and needing.

Have you just ignored everything else OP has said ??
He met his wife , they fell in love , both had 3 kids each from previous marriages .
What are they supposed to do , not be together because they have kids before they met ?
Give up the kids ? 🙄
You make it work is what you do .
It was all working til the stupid week long yacht trip .
Yes , it’s his wife’s son’s 18th birthday & he can be made to feel special, but expecting his mother to go on a trip for a week with her Ex husband, I don’t care if that man is his father, it’s fucking taking the piss is what it is .
He’s 18 Years of age , not 8 with a complete lack of understanding !!!