My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

You're me-railing. This thread is not about your family.

Yes i do have experience.

My siblings are my siblings, they will be my siblings for my entire life. Our relationship isn't dependent on any other relationship. I love their children.

My parents partners children are just that. If their relationship broke down we might never see each other again.

I find it very offensive when my mom tries to claim we're all the same, because we arent. I'd never tell her my stepmother is just as much of a mother to me as she is, because that's cruel and false, but I have to accept that my mother allegedly loves these random kids as much as me.

It's all about the parents at every turn. My birthdays, graduation, wedding, child's births... everything has to factor this in. Events are either ruined or you just decide not to bother celebrating them.

I actually think the holiday is too much. I didn't even get my parents to sit near each other at my wedding. I just understand where the boy is coming from and wanted to offer some balance.

People kept saying he needs to understand he cant always have what he wants, I think he's extremely well versed in not getting what he wants.

It's not for you or your son to decide that your son is "real" family.

You’ve got that from one comment 🤣
ok then!

So you believe no divorced person should ever remarry?? Yeah, okay....
You're clearly very blinkered for some reason that's outwith my comprehension.... SO I GIVE UP !!!! I'll not be responding again .....

Just pointing out that step parents are family too..... seems to be impossible for some to grasp..... very amusing actually.....

Why are you putting own family in quotation marks? He's with his own family.

I remember your other post and still as a wife nothing would have made me go with an ex on a trip. I find it rather telling tbh

It seems to be impossible for you to grasp that this isn't about you.

Very amusing to notice that some people can't grasp that a random man and his random children imposed on another child are not family.

Of course she has the right to be hurt.

What she doesn't get to do is impose her view of what is family onto the DSS when he doesn't feel the same way and then completely reject him because he doesn't see her the same way as she sees him.

Why should he? She isn't his sister. Insisting he sees her and treats her as such is inappropriate.

It's similar to any other non-related relationship. Yes it hurts if you thought of someone as your best friend or your sibling when they don't feel the same way but completely rejecting them and never wanting to talk to them again suggests it was the idea they had in their head about the relationship rather than the person that they really cared about.

They can remarry if they want. They have no right to insist that their new spouse and family are "family" for their children.

It's definitely fair for everyone involved in this situation to feel sad about any or all aspects of it.

So only the 18yo golden boy is allowed to say nasty things and everyone around him has to suck it up because he’s had such a terrible, neglected life?

It does sound a bit like the 18yo knows this whole situation has caused upset and is lashing out because he feels bad about it.
The whole ‘you’re not my real family and I’ve never felt like I had a place’ slightly reminds me of the men who get caught having affairs and justify it by rewriting history and saying they’ve been unhappy for years.

Every divorced adult has the legal right to remarry.

Expecting everyone else involved in that choice to be happy about it, to accept what is imposed on them, is unreasonable - as played out in the countless number of posts on here weekly, about the subject.

Having the right and desire to do something doesn't mean it is of any benefit to anyone except the person making that decision.

I'm not speaking from experience. I'm neither a step child nor a step parent. I'm speaking from the point of view of understanding why the stepson might have wanted his real family on this birthday.

18 year olds can say things that are cruel, and he said something that he knew would hurt because he was getting back at you for wanting his birthday plans to be different. In 10 years time he'll probably feel really bad about it. Don't give it more significance than that. There will have been things about being a blended family that are bad, but things that are good too, like relationships with step- siblings, and with you because you sound great. Let it go.

I think this is balanced.

I can see why the trip is upsetting for the OP and think the DW ought to have found a way round that.

But the sentiments for which the DSS got a bollocking by the OP's DD are reasonable enough, and as for all this "He's 18: he should get over it, he's had 10 years", well, we could equally say the OP has had ten years to get over the fact the ex has been apparently sniffing round his DW. But people don't "just get over" things that really bother them - especially when it happened to them as children and they didn't willingly get embroiled.

Who knows, maybe the trip request is the 18 year olds way of "getting over it" and putting it to rest.

It isn't right to expect dc to get over everything while the relationships the adults want are seen as somehow more sacrosanct.

I am one of those kids, or I was, and I still have those issues now. I am not unsympathetic.

But I also had some consideration for my Mum and her feelings because like the Mother in this post, my Dad did the dirty on my Mum and we had to live with the consequences and I know how hard it is. As a kid I gave my stepmum a rough time but her and my Dad did not handle the situation well at all.

I am 62 and I still have issues related to this but two wrongs do not make a right, dismissing his mothers feelings and letting his Dad manoeuvre the situation and manipulate is not right and yet he is complicit. Yes 18 is still young, but not that young that he doesn't have some inkling of the hurt this will create for those who were not responsible for the situation.

Well yes… welcome to Mumsnet. The whole site is built around judging situations and the people involved in them based on the OP’s comments.

@LilacHam you sound very bitter!

It’s funny that you say about your parents ‘forcing’ you to have extra siblings you didn’t want and don’t like….. isn’t that what every parent does? My older siblings spent a long time resentful that my parents chose to have more children, and we are all fully biological siblings!!
Even parents that stay together forever make decisions on behalf of their children - having more children without asking permission. Choosing what schools they go to, moving house/area/country for work…
Children are never happy with everything about their childhoods, even if both parents are their full parents!….. my siblings have things they weren’t happy with, and now their children have things they moan about their parents for! We are all fully related but have still fallen out over the years and don’t all talk… but I have friends go are from blended families - and yes while they view their full and step siblings differently they do all get along… some view their step parent incredibly fondly calling them Dad and not really acknowledging their bio dad…
It sounds more like the issue here is that the OP’s wife’s ex has decided that he can pay for a flashy holiday and dazzle his kids with a lovely time, which is probably what he’s been doing for the last 10 years… only this time he’s decided to flash his cash and manipulate everyone into convincing mum to come, knowing full well this would cause upset amongst the ‘step’ family!
Anyway parents can’t win…. My ex husband has met someone else with 2 DD’s, I’ve chosen to stay single and put my DD 1st…. Guess who is having the better life?!…. Him with his 2 incomes and holidays etc, me on my own living month to month?!
You resent your mum for meeting someone new… BUT you childhood would likely have been much harder if she’d ’put you first’ and stayed a single mum!!

What nasty things has he said though?

It’s his birthday, not hers. She’s had an 18th birthday of her own; she had the opportunity to make decisions about that.

But it isn't a reasonable request for his mum, who is happily married to another man, to go away with his dad for a week. That's just really odd.

Why couldn't the kids and bio dad go away for a nice week together, without dragging mum into it? Sounds like bio dad has been sowing discontent to try to destabilise the family.

Your wife has behaved appallingly. There’s ’putting the kids first’ then there’s going along with a situation that has clearly been manufactured so that her wealthy, jealous ex can stir up trouble in your relationship - which he has succeeded to do. Your wife should have told her son from the off that this holiday was inappropriate. They are not a happy family unit no matter how much he and his father wish it were so. And he’s got his dad and his cheating ways to blame for that.

She has shown disrespect to you and the family unit you have created. I’d be questioning things going forward.

This!
It really does seem a strange decision for your wife to agree to this. She could, and should, have just laughed and said "no way!" when her son suggested it. Your ss would just have to had accept her decision- I'm sure he'd have been able to live with it.
I wonder what will happen when the other two reach 18- will she have to repeat the holiday as she's set a precedent now?