My stepson's 18th birthday has left me feeling like I'm not really family after 10 years, and I don't know how to process it.

[Derkkk]

A few weeks back I posted here about my stepson's upcoming 18th birthday. He wanted to celebrate it with just his biological mom and dad, and his biological father had planned a week-long yacht trip

For context, I'm a 46 year old man, and my wife is 44. We've been married for 10 years. She has three children from her previous marriage an 17 year old son (he was 7 when I came into his life), a 15 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.

I also have three children from my previous marriage my daughter is 19, my son is 17, and my younger daughter is 15.

For the last decade we've lived as one family. We celebrate birthdays together, holidays together, vacations together, school events, graduationseverything. I've always considered my stepkids my own, never treated them differently, and I've tried my best to be there for them emotionally, financially, and as a parent. My kids have always considered them siblings too.

A few weeks ago my stepson said that for his 18th birthday he wanted to celebrate with just his biological mom and dad. His biological father then planned an entire week-long yacht trip for him and invited my wife as well.

I'll be honest I wasn't comfortable with my wife spending a week on a yacht with her ex-husband. I didn't like the situation, but at the same time I also understood that this was supposedly about their son's 18th birthday. At first my wife actually said no because she knew how awkward it would be, but the kids kept asking her until she finally agreed.

Before everything was finalized, I talked to my wife again. I told her I wasn't trying to control her, but asked if there was any compromise. Maybe she could attend the birthday itself, spend that evening with them, then come home while the kids continued the vacation with their dad.

She suggested exactly that to the kids.They completely rejected it. They got upset and said that wasn't the celebration they wanted. They wanted both of their biological parents there for the entire trip because that's how they imagined celebrating this milestone birthday.

My wife tried to reason with them a few times, but eventually she gave up because she didn't want to make their son's 18th birthday into a huge family fight. I understood that, even if I wasn't happy about it..The problem is that my own kids already knew we'd been planning a big 18th birthday celebration for him ourselves for almost two months. We had family plans, gifts, dinner, everything.

When they found out about the yacht trip, my oldest daughter confronted my stepson. She told him she thought it was hurtful because it basically felt like he was saying we weren't really family. She told him he could celebrate with everyone including his biological dad and still go on the yacht afterward.

That conversation went badly..My stepson got angry and told her that this was his 18th birthday and, just this once, he wanted to celebrate with his "actual family." He also said he sometimes feels like he doesn't really have a place and never asked for this blended family. Hearing that after 10 years honestly broke my heart.

My daughter told him not to speak to her again, and since then the kids have barely spoken to each other. The atmosphere in the house has been tense and cold. Later we also found out that the yacht trip was actually his biological father's idea from the beginning, and he specifically didn't want me or my children included. My wife didn't tell me earlier because she didn't want to create even more conflict or ruin her son's birthday.

Today I drove my wife and the kids to the airport..I smiled, hugged everyone goodbye, wished my stepson a happy birthday, and came home.

I'm taking my own kids on a small trip while they're away because I don't want them sitting at home feeling rejected. But honestly, for the first time in 10 years, I don't feel like we're one family anymore. I don't blame my stepson for wanting time with both of his biological parents. I understand why turning 18 is a big milestone. But hearing the words

my actual family and realizing that after a decade I still might not be seen as family has really hurt.

Even my wife felt distant today. Not because she was being cruel, but because everything felt awkward. It honestly felt like today drew a line between their family and our family, and I don't know if that's just emotion talking or if this is something I need to accept.

100% this. She could/should have said 'this is not happening. The End'. She essentially allowed the stepfather to be disrespected, which sets a tricky precedent for their blended family going forward.

It's a bad point.

Your position is evidently that he needs to be grateful for something that was imposed on him, even with probably very good intentions, and that there was no problem when he was sucking it all up so others could pretend things were something they weren't.

You've left no room for him to have any legitimate feelings other than everyone is family, which is wrong of you. And that's clearly because you can't look beyond your own family setup.

A little perspective here. Your wife left yesterday and you are complaining that she has only called you once. She has been on a flight and celebrating her son's birthday. At most I would expect a text to say arrived safe and sound and maybe a phone call at night to say what they have been up to that day and generally check in on the UK gang. Expecting anything more than that is weird and you are projecting your feelings.

Ex husband cannot drive a wedge between you and your wife unless there was a crack to begin with. It sounds like you are not confident in your wife's ability to stay in your marriage. If that is the case that is not on the ex husband but on your wife. If you don't trust her, that is a you problem. She has already been burned not once but multiple times by him why would she go back?

I get you love your step children but they didn't get to chose you. Your wife chose you and imposed you on then in the same way you chose you and your ex wife chose new partners and imposed them on your children. Luckily it sounds like your children and your wife get on famously which is lovely but it doesn't mean that your step children have to feel the same way.

Celebrate with your step son when he gets back. Accept that you will not ever be seen as his dad. Decide if you trust your wife. If not, time to go separate ways. If so, get over yourself and understand that she has went there by your own admission for her son having originally declined to go and that her ex husband is not the primary reason for going. And step away from Instagram if it irks you that much.

For what it is worth, ex and I have 2 children. We still go out as a family for celebrations despite being separated for 10 years. Why? Because adult problems shouldn't be kids problems. They have plenty photos of us altogether. Not saying it's easy but it's easier when the children are front and centre and purely selfishly saves issues with neither of us being able to attend big things in our children's lives because they are worried about us fighting.

Good luck

I was with you in this until you posted this.

Now you sound like a whiny child.

Grow up, be pleased your SS can have the family (albeit for a few days) that he wants and tbh all kids should have. 2 parents together.

And I say that as a happily, long divorced mum who can STILL realise that her kids would have been more secure in a good, loving, trusting 2 parent family.

You’ve expressed everything really reasonably unlike many others, but I imagine some of this comes from your own experiences. Apologies if I’m wrong.

It sounds - to me - like the OP and his family have bought into the happy blended family narrative. And it is clear some blended families work. The OPs DSS sounds like he is being manipulated.
The thing is we don’t really know, we can only suggest ideas to the OP. What bothers me is the many people who fail to see other options and wade in with vile comments.

He's still stuck with a situation he didn't choose. I presume you mean he's 18 so can move out?

The absolute chaos that beens caused by him not wanting to celebrate his birthday with the family imposed on him demonstrates that.

Being in a 'blended family' that wasn't of your choosing doesn't stop when you reach 18 or move out of home. It's a complex situation that doesn't end. There's always someone that might be upset or uncomfortable if the kid of the blended family does anything.

All the big life events where the step-kid have to consider everyone elses feelings usually at the expense of their own. Weddings, walking down the aisle, top tables, wedding photos, having kids, who gets to be at the hospital, who gets to be called what as a grandparent or step-GP. Who gets to spend time with you and your kids on Xmas day? Who gets to go on the family holiday?

It never ends.

And it's always the kids who become adults of these blended families having to navigate it and try not to upset anyone or cause offence.

We don’t actually know the the boy is ‘rejecting’ anyone. That seems to be the interpretation of the OP and his daughter, who feel hurt by the holiday and the decision not to go along with their celebrations. It’s not even clear whether they were planned for before after the holiday or if they clashed, or could be moved etc.

The boy himself doesn’t seem to have expressed anything stronger than not always feeling he has a place in the family, and wanting to spend his birthday with his actual family. All of the OP’s issue is about how his and his daughter’s feelings are affected.

So you're saying this boy is right to have harboured feelings of resentment since he was 7? And I'm very capable of looking beyond my own family.... it's the fact that after all this time he doesn't think of OP as family that's very strange to me.... and "imposed" on him or not, it's been his norm for most of his life.... if OP has really been a decent person, why does the boy not at least feel some kind of bond with him? OPs daughter is devastated that she's not thought of as a sibling... and why shouldn't she be... she clearly thought of him as a brother. I can only assume the bio dad has been poisoning his son against the SD for all those years if there's this kind of resentment... but I bet he never mentioned his own shortcomings....

Enough to see my stepkids posting Instagram stories with their parents at different places! Yeah, everyone was in the same picture, like a family, and in the last 10 years, I didn't exist in their lives, and my wife doesn't have a husband

OP, your situation resonates a lot. Your wife went along with this trip because she wanted to. I have been your wife in an eerily similar situation, and I went on such a trip because I wanted to. The difference is I didn't have a partner I had committed the previous 10 years of my life to.

You say that her ex and your in-laws families all still see each other and are on good terms.. This means that there are no hard feelings about why your wife's first marriage ended, and relations between them all will continue to be inclusive. Do you and your DC feel excluded from them?

I very much think your DSS had every right to want his parents and siblings only on this trip. It seems excessive to many when a meal would suffice, but in some circles families do behave like this. Money talks!! I wonder if this trip is something you could have afforded with your wife and all 6 kids? Another reason why she might have gone, the temptation of a vacation out of your reach ordinarily. Some PP's think she has been manipulated, but given your additional information of how close both sides remain, I suspect she was happy to go.

I don't think they have done anything wrong really, but it is also why I decided to stay single. Blended families are complicated, fraught with resentment and rarely benefits the children involved. However, I understand your hurt and the feelings your own DC will have not being part of such a celebration.

Ultimately, it is up to you how much you are willing to accept you and your DC being sidelined like this. I found it telling that you use the word biological a lot when 'their dad' etc would have been perfectly understood. My guess is you have invested far more into this set up than your DW and her DC have.

How I would move forward with this would need a proper examination of my feelings. Resentment and jealousy would make me walk away, because you will have so much more of this with all the milestones, celebrations and life events of your DSC, ahead. Finally, don't let your own DC feel like the poor relations of your DSS, I have seen this irl and the fallout from it is far reaching.

No... he clearly told the OPs daughter that he wanted his birthday with his "own family"..... and what's that if not rejection... she's right to be hurt

@Liberancho

“Money talks!! I wonder if this trip is something you could have afforded with your wife and all 6 kids? Another reason why she might have gone, the temptation of a vacation out of your reach ordinarily.”

yes, OP this is all your fault because you can’t afford a yacht holiday for 8 people. Can’t you just work harder? Get a better job? @Derkkk

OP .... can I ask how you celebrated your daughter's 18th ??

That's the entire point. They have NOT been rejected, DSS said he didn't want to celebrate his birthday with them and for once, wanted to spend this significant event with his actual family.

And instead of thinking yeah that makes sense or that's okay but it hurts, OP has gone off saying that means DSS doesn't see him as family so now everything is broken and OPs kids have done the same saying if DSS didn't want to spend his birthday with them then that means he doesn't see them as family so will never talk to him again.

DSS didn't reject the step-family. He just said he didn't want to celebrate it with them this year and wanted to celebrate it with his actual family and the step family have seen that as unacceptable and a rejection.

Its crazy that anyone even entertained this idea! If my exh wanted to take the chikdren on holiday, have at it, but no way on earth would i be going with them. Why did the step son even have the expectation that this was a reasonable suggestion?

He said ‘actual family’ according to the OP. If the daughter considers him her ‘actual brother’ then it’s understandable that she’s hurt. But him making a distinction is not necessarily rejection, and he’s entitled to feel however he feels. We don’t have enough information about the family dynamic or the children’s perspective to really know. For example, OP thinks of himself as equivalent to father, do his DC think the same of the wife and their mother? Does he want or expect them to?

I'm saying you're in the wrong.

There's a lot of invention in your post. Nothing OP has written suggests DSS feels no bond with him at all, for one thing.

And that the children, absolutely including OPs 17 year old DD, aren't necessarily going to feel as their parents feel about blending families, however convenient it might be. The adults involved do actually need to accept the reality that between some and all of the children involved may not feel their step relatives are their family in the same way as the blood ones, and yes that also means any kids who do feel there's no difference may also be hurt. The 13 year old strikes me as at particular risk here, since he won't remember life before the marriage. But you still don't get to decide any of the children who don't feel that their steps are the same as their blood family are in the wrong for not continuing to cover that up. As well as being an absolutely fucking awful expectation of an 18 year old, that's also asking for trouble, because these things have a habit of coming out eventually.

As for being capable of looking beyond your own family, the fact that your lengthy first post was a diatribe about how blended families are great just look at yours gives a pretty strong indication where you're coming from here.

And there’s no indication of whether OP or the daughter said anything like ‘ok we get that’s you want to spend the actual birthday with your family, can we do something together before or after your trip?’ It all seems very ‘out way or the highway’.

You are make statements based on information we have not been provided. You do not know the OP hasn't given the kids room, in fact I would argue the exact opposite, he has clearly sacrificed his own marital comfort and safety to give his stepson and wife, just that.

The stepson is 18 not 8 and he has to understand that asking his mum to go away with the ex that threw her away for a fling for a full week, when she had remarried and as a direct manipulation of the ex husbands manoeuvrings would take a great toll on her marriage?

The stepsister was trying to get her stepbrother to see sense because maybe she felt they had a good enough relationship for that discussion - we really do not have enough insight into the relationship to know. But the worst case scenario was that she was trying to protect her family from the fallout of the holiday proposal. I think I would have fought too.

yes, OP this is all your fault because you can’t afford a yacht holiday for 8 people. Can’t you just work harder? Get a better job?

Were you triggered @Cherrytree86 ?

I asked this question trying to understand better why a wife of 10 years would agree to go on such a trip. Unlike some on here, I tend to think his particular woman has her own agency and was not manipulated into going. **

This thread has actually opened up my eyes a bit more to my own situation. Thanks!

Even in my 50's I am still getting heat about my step siblings via my parent for not playing happy families with them. I even had an argument with my parent and fell out with them a few weeks back over my step sister sticking her nose in with my parent, when to me she is not family, just someone I unfortunately have to put up with on occasion.

This thread has made me realise after all these years that at every turn, it is all about the parents and what they want, their happiness, and every one else is expected to smile and enjoy themselves. Even in my flipping 50's I still have to put up with this crap despite pushing back on it.

Having read OPs updates I actually think he is quite controlling and emotionally manipulative.

It IS an unacceptable rejection!!! You're clearly not from a blended family or you'd get my point!!!

Really?

He clearly hasn't been given room because OP has insisted they do everything together as a big family, and when the stepson has said he wants to just "once spend it with his actual family" (so clearly he'd not had the chance before), the stepdaughter tells him to never speak to him again and the stepdad thinks the family is "breaking apart"

I'm literally only using info from OPs posts here.

Why on earth would you think that having non-related people imposed on someone for years since a child means they must conform and think of those people as family?

And why would you think it must mean someone was poisoning their mind if they don't agree?

Do you think being made to live with people for years means you must think of them as family so long as they're not beating you or being abusive and are 'decent'?

Family is something either biological as in the people you are genetically related to or is something you choose to feel about people that aren't related to you.

It's not something that gets to be imposed by others because they wanted it to fit their narrative or were decent or because they considered you their family.

Also.... my son is step dad to his wife's boy. Been in his life since he was 4, he's now 11. My son would be absolutely heartbroken to be cast aside and not included in a big birthday celebration. They have boys days out.... guys game nights..evrtything dobe in a usual family.... The bio dad is very much in the picture, but it doesn't mean my son isn't "real" family.