AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

You commented on her weight first, then continued to argue with a hormonal, sleep deprived new mother who had a difficult pregnancy. I’d reflect on your behaviour before slating hers!

I would give her a bit of grace if she only had the baby 3 weeks ago and it was a stressful, consultant led pregnancy.

I think perhaps you should acknowledge your wording was a bit clumsy and move on, rather than trying to make her sound like the bad guy.

This. Sorry op, this is on you!

I didn’t just mean her weight though, I meant she just looks great. At 3 weeks pp I was a mess, still struggling, swollen, stains down my top, no energy to brush my hair! I just meant she looked all around fabulous.

Don’t comment on women’s bodies. It’s really very simple.

Yep @BennyHenny - what she said re women who gain weight in pregnancy is unreasonable, but at the end of the day OP clearly touched a nerve from the offset of the conversation. OP, I don’t know why you didn’t just immediately apologise and change the subject.

Can’t believe you commented on her body in the first place.

I don’t think this was an appropriate conversation to have had with her full stop. A simple ‘You look great!’ would suffice if you had to comment at all. It obviously ended up with her feeling she had to justify herself to you when it’s none of your business. She’s just had a baby after a difficult pregnancy, and you continued telling her stuff about her own body that she clearly didn’t want to hear. Why were you telling her she didn’t have to calorie count etc when she didn’t ask your opinion in the first place? When it became obvious you had upset her, you should have just said ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come across like that, I was just trying to say that you look fantastic’ and then that probably would have stopped the whole thing in its tracks.

And she’s right really, pregnancy doesn’t require that much more food. I wish I had eaten less when I was pregnant and had been fitter.

This^^

For all you know, she has an eating disorder or has been extremely anxious and hasn't been able to eat. Or she just worked incredibly hard to maintain her fitness etc. You bringing out that archaic old "snapped back" trope is actually a little cringe.

Anyway, move on. Don't comment on people's bodies at all. It is incredibly off putting as well as sometimes insensitive

Jesus you opened that can of worms good and proper!

Just message her say you’re sorry for clumsy wording and motherhood really suits her. Let you know when she’s free for a catch up.

First comment nails it. Why are you getting into diet culture wars with a woman 3 weeks postpartum 😭😭😭😭

FWIW, I had severe morning sickness throughout so only “gained” 6kg. By 4 weeks postpartum I weighed less than before I was pregnant. Now at 9 months and EBF, I weigh more than I ever have in my life.

YABU. Why would the first thing you say to your new mum friend be to comment on her body? Why not ask how she is, how baby is doing, whether there’s anything you could be doing for her? Why not meet up with her at home so you could help with her housework while she relaxes??

I don’t know OP, it sounds like you are projecting. I’m 7 months postpartum and I have put on 3 stone through pregnancy, the first one dropped and now 2 are clinging for dear life where I’m breastfeeding. I think she found your ‘snapped back’ language likely clumsy even if well intended - she might have on the face of things but there’s your mental state as well as physical state to consider which is less visible. At the point she’s then defended herself because she probably still feels raw even if she looks great, it’s hit a nerve with you and you’ve proceeded to take it personally regarding her effort levels vs your own through pregnancy. I ate the McDonald’s, I had morning sickness and everything was beige - could I have applied more willpower? Probably, yes. Did I want to in that moment? Not for me. Kudos to her for being more controlled, everyone is different and her journey is not yours. I think you should broach what your intent was regarding stating “snapping back” and I’m sure she will realise it was meant to be positive. It’s a fragile time as you’ll remember, so give her reaction a bit of grace and know it’s not about you.

No one is being unreasonable.

I think she possibly has had other people make comments, and some people do tend to ascribe somethings to luck. So she's probably heard oh you're so lucky to be so thin, whereas she spends a good deal of energy working on that which is infuriating and invalidating. She probably thought you were going down the same route.

You started it - and you persisted in talking about it when she clearly didn’t want to, so she got fed up and said what she said - which is just the actual truth - and then that’s pissed you off. That’s your fault.

It’s very odd how you keep using the phrase “snapped back” to mean lost weight quickly and then also use it to say she replied to you nastily. You seem obsessed with saying people are snapping back!!

We are at our most sensitive after birth, aren’t we?

She overreacted to what was essentially a compliment (although, personally, I would never comment on another woman’s body especially not so soon after birth).

She lashed out and said some dumb shit.
Buy I’d give her grace on this occasion and try to patch things up.

She is talking bollocks, of course - we know this. Pregnancy puts a huge stress on our bodies and some women are more affected than others. Sure, if you eat crap and sit on your arse, you’re going to put on more weight. But all sorts of other things can affect your weight and whether you ‘snap’ back. Deep down she knows this.

I dont think you deserve this backlash...its bot like you said jesus christ youre still massive! Ot was a compliment that just couldve been worded better thats all...maybe next time a 'wow you look amazing and a congratulations with a hug'

OP absolutely is being unreasonable to meet a newly postpartum “friend” and immediately comment on her body!!!

Unless you said OMG you look amazing and left it as that you are the problem

OP, you could have just said 'you look fab' and left it at that!

The midwife who came a week after dd1 was born told me I looked like I had never been pregnant. It was surprising how much it upset me as I had been pregnant, now I had a tiny newborn, I was in pain, I wasn't sleeping and i was worried I wasn't coping with being a mother. I just wanted someone to give me a hug and tell me everything would be OK, not congratulate me for wearing a normal pair of jeans.

I'm sure you meant to compliment her but she probably wanted to talk about things other than how she looks.

The conversation obviously went down a route you didn’t intend, as much as you meant well.

Either totally move on from it in a “least said, soonest mended” manner or drop her a message just saying you didn’t intend to offend her, look forward to seeing her soon.

Edited to add - you haven’t committed the crime of the century, you don’t need to get the hair shirt out. It was a comment received differently to how you expected. It happens, we’ve all done it at one time or another.

Probably easier to just not pass comment on other people's bodies, whether supposed to be complimentary or not, unless you have been asked by that person to do so.

Then why didn't you say that. 'You look great friend' instead of focusing on weight. I think an apology text is needed.