AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

I agree with this @Annoyd- and you are now trying to row back when it seems that the truth is you are annoyed about the fact she doesn’t appear to be finding it as outwardly difficult as you did. I will never understand why women feel the need to compete with each other like this. Stop wishing difficulties on your friends and focus on your own life choices.

Society is to blame-the praise/hatred of body types! I's say it's wrong for you to start off by praising the concept of snapping back, but...
She is absolutely wrong to suggest you can always "choose" to do the right thing and then you'll be fine. Some people do, and get an illness/injury/infection that snowballs into them being very weak and permanently sick. Plus some people have a better upbringing/more money and support.
If she is an instructor, she should know that, and it worries me that someone doing that job sounds like a cross between Mr Birling and a MAGA supporter saying the merit based system always works.

Well she wasn't wrong - pregnant women do not need to eat endless McDonalds. You really do only need a small amount of extra calories.

Just because you "scoffed your face" and gained weight that you then had problems losing, don't take it out on her.

She wasn't "on a diet" either. She was being bloody careful so that she could carry her baby safely.

You were being pretty spiteful in your comments before you spoke to a mutual friend, and even now you know her pregnancy was high-risk you haven't packed it in.

Too many women use pregnancy as an excuse to "scoff their face".

I think you are envious of her self discipline and spitefully couldn't resist the temptation to have a dig. Good on her for biting back.

Sometimes it’s better to not say what pops into your head. You should know how it feels after having had a baby. Feeling shit about your body and on zero sleep. Hormones all over the place. It is also true that you only need an extra 200 calories a day during h pregnancy, eating for two is a complete and utter myth! It’s literally having an extra yoghurt or banana a day
You really do owe her an apology

Agree. All you needed to say was “you’re looking really well, Sarah. How are you getting on?” You’ve not done anything horrible but it was perhaps a bit clumsy and you don’t know why it might have annoyed your friend. I dropped a lot of weight at first as I was feeding baby constantly and surviving off bowls of weetabix - it wasn’t a sign of me doing well!

You made some SENSATIONAL leaps there, Mr Birling?! Fucking hell.

Never argue with a woman who has a new baby. They are suffering extreme sleep deprivation.

Oh please. It sounds like the OP’s friend knows what she’s talking about and decided not to completely change her healthy lifestyle when she became pregnant. Good on her. Someone having a healthy approach to diet and exercise does not denote “issues”, it just means their lives don’t revolve around food.

Well she’s right!

I can see you meant well OP but I also see how your comment may have been taken as invalidating her difficult experience of pregnancy. I'm a bit like your friend, had three children, lost all my baby weight and back down to a BMI of 19 in a week (I'm not uber fit I just have hEDS so I'm naturally slim), and have no stretch marks on my belly. I also managed to breastfeed all children exclusively then up to 2 years. I've had people from midwives, to friends and family saying I 'make it look easy' 'I'm lucky' and 'it makes them sick how I've snapped back'. Little did they know that I suffered from severe depression and anxiety after the births and terrible low self esteem about my appearance. It really gets jarring hearing it all the time because people assume you've not struggled. I know you didn't mean that, but to your friend who is suffering the great post-natal hormone dip, it comes across as insensitive. I'm sure she will cool off but perhaps you should consider apologising again when she has.

It sounds like she has disordered eating habits and you also should never ever comment on someone’s weight or body

"She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control."

Sounds like she has issues is she thinks that women who gain weight during pregnancy just lack self control and stuff their faces with McDonald's

But that is about self control. Just like not drinking alcohol is about self control. And not taking drugs is about self control. Why does her using that term bother you so much? Is it because you see it as a judgement of your own behaviour?

Really? I didnt read it like that. She sounds like she has extremely healthy habits, exercising, eating healthily, and only having 200 extra calories (she is right on that also). This is what we all should be doing tbh.

Maybe next time go with ‘You look great!’ And end it there.

To be honest I took it more as a jab at OP, who made a horrible dig at her first

There are many reasons women gain weight during pregnancy which have nothing to do with 'self-control'

But that’s not the point here, is it? Why are you (and the OP) taking it so personally? In this case, this woman did not gain extra weight because she exercised self control. Why is it not okay for her to say that? Why do you take offence at that?

Yeah I think this does show why you should never assume Op! Yes, you didn’t know she had had quite so much worry about her weight, but that is why you shouldn’t assume anything.

”Snapped back” is an irritating expression, I have to say. It does imply no effort, and as though a woman is simply a rubber band. It suggests it was easy. I often think the over use of metaphors - such as speaking about a woman as though she was a rubber band - when talking about other people’s lives is a bad idea as it very easily leads to misunderstanding. It over simplifies.

If you were going to comment on how well she looked, or pay her a compliment, something like “you look amazing” would have done the job.

Sounds like she’s had an incredibly hard time and this was a very sensitive topic for her.

You have vastly misinterpreted what I've said. I never said I'm taking it personally. In my first pregnancy I didn't gain any weight at all.

You piled on the weight during pregnancy and told her she didn’t have to watch the calories when pregnant. She said you only needed an extra 200calc during pregnancy (which is true). She’s back to her normal weight and you took ages.

She’s clearly right and you’re clearly not - and jealous too. I trust she pays no attention whatsoever to what you say as you seem to talk nonsense.

I really haven’t misinterpreted anything. You are claiming that a woman who followed appropriate advice as part of a healthy lifestyle somehow has an eating disorder. Why is that? I think you need to look at why you have jumped to that conclusion in this context, because it is bizarre.

Do you want to point out where I said she has an eating disorder?

Exactly! Following the recommended 200 extra calories and refusing to give in to gluttony is an eating disorder now is it?