AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

“She sounds like she has a lot of issues with food and diet/fitness culture”. You said it like an hour ago-have you forgotten already?

Having issues is not the same as having an eating disorder. So that would be an example of where you've misinterpreted what I'm saying.

What did you mean by ‘food issues’ then? Is watching what you eat an ‘issue’ these days?

You have to be very careful what you say to somebody who has just had a baby.
Live and learn

🙄 No, watching what you eat is not an 'issue'

It's about stigma and judgement. Implying that women who put on weight whilepregnant simply do so because they lack self control and stuff their faces with McDonald's tells me she holds a lot of stigma and judgement towards overweight women.

Well why do they exceed the 200 calories then?

Because they're nasty fat pigs, of course. Greedy cows just need to push the plate away!

Next time say… Hello! You look wonderful! How are you feeling? How is baby? Can I get you a coffee?

there’s really no need for these judgemental comments about whether she’s snapped back, she’s probably still bleeding, at the hiatus of night sweats, maybe wearing control knickers and her boobs are leaking uncontrollably

Oh please. It’s literally there in black and white. Women who focus on a healthy lifestyle do not have eating disorders, as painful as that may be for you to hear.

100% this.

She's just had a baby 3 weeks ago. I think rather than over thinking this and trying to lay the blame on her about your choice of words and her answers, you should just let it go.
She is right she if she controlled her diet rather than giving into cravings. It's hard and takes a lot of self control.

I very much think you're now the one projecting issues here. I'm not sure why that would be painful to hear. You seem to be very overdramatic.

I agree with this. If someone pays me a compliment I don't attack them for it (even when I was freshly post partum or any other time).

2 weeks after I gave birth I weighed a bit less than before I got pregnant (not bragging, I was overweight originally). I would accept any compliments gracefully, not insinuate the other mothers were fat fucks gorging themselves on mcdonalds and how they should have counted calories. That is utter madness!

You’re not allowed to give compliments nowadays in our wonderful, woke world.

I’ve seen the term ‘snapped back’ on here dozens of times so guess it’s usual speak. I don’t think she had any reason, other than being tired, to be so nasty & condescending back. And I can’t be arsed with patronising health conscious people. I’d be annoyed, too.

I’d give her a wide berth for a while.

You were a bit insensitive in your replies maybe but she was really very mean in her response. I'd forgive her as she's 3 weeks post partum.

She probably does think you were a greedy pig. So what? It was you who was greedy and also you who had to work really fucking hard to lose it.

I also enjoyed too many pastries while pregnant. And then even more in my delirious sleep deprived post partum stage. It's a tough time for everyone, just let it go and move on.

Truth hurts doesn’t it op?! 🤷‍♀️😂 she is right about the weight gain, exercising and eating crap and it sounds like that is exactly what you did or didn’t do and why you struggled so much afterwards and she didn’t despite a complex pregnancy

I didn’t put in that much weight in pregnancy and lost it fairly quickly.

In my case it was because I worked in an active job right up until the births, and then had little time to eat once they were born.

You’re determined to diagnose everybody aren’t you?

What is with the attitude? No need to be so antagonistic. Maybe step away from MN?

No I’m good thanks, maybe you should step away if you’re struggling?

Ok 😂

It may have come across as though you were brushing off all the effort she put into managing her weight, diet, and exercise throughout her pregnancy.

People who struggle with their weight can sometimes assume that those who stay slim do it effortlessly, but that's not always true. If she was still doing Pilates until the end of her pregnancy and was being mindful of what she ate rather than just eating whatever she felt like, then she clearly put a lot of work into looking after herself. So it was probably annoying to hear "snapped back" like it was easy.

I think your wording was probably a bit clumsy. But it might even be that there's a little bit of envy there because your experience was different, and perhaps that came across in the way you phrased it, even if that wasn't your intention.

The whole "eating for two" thing is definitely a myth though. The guidance is that you only need around 200 extra calories a day in the third trimester. Other than that, you're generally advised to eat your normal calorie intake and focus on a balanced, nutritious diet.

I think it’s on you. You started the conversation and made it a topic for debate. If you meant she looked well then why not say that. Being in shape before pregnancy and exercising throughout and not overeating is obviously going to mean she looks like she does.

You are the antagonistic one that has been projecting all over the thread. And now you’re projecting onto one of the posters that has rightfully pointed out that you are being bizarrely defensive about the topic.

OP, it sounds like you know what you need to do in terms of apologising to her. I’m sure you’re mortified about the whole thing, especially after what you’ve learned, but I suspect that she will be quite open to accepting an apology and moving on.

Your feelings are understandable but you basically told her that you're jealous / resentful (whether you meant to or not, that's what she heard). And it minimised the suffering she went through.

I experience something vaguely similar when jealous women (you can tell by tone, body language and facial expressions) comment on how good my skin looks for my age. Some ask if I had work done. No, I just haven't been using sun beds and damaging my skin in the sun all my life. Also: you don't know what health conditions people have so it isn't good to be jealous anyway just because of one thing you wish you had.

Similar with weight. Some women feel the need to make pointed comments about "not depriving themselves" of food or any type of food as though I starve myself. Just to make themselves feel better. I have taken to explaining I also don't, I just don't "overindulge" anymore and that's how I lost weight. Haha the rage that causes but what can they say, just facts about my weight loss experience. And also: how to lose weight in general.

Where on earth have I been antagonistic? What am I projecting? My first pregnancy I didn't put on any weight at all, my 2nd I put on the same amount the baby weighed.