AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

I mean, she’s not wrong 🤷‍♀️ It is about self control.

The majority of people who don’t have it, particularly when it comes to food, refuse to admit it and get very defensive about it.

You chose to comment on her weight 3 weeks after having a baby. Your in the wrong unfortunately.
Someone commented on my body 4 months pp and 22 years later I’ve never forgotten it

You owe her an apology. You were very rude to her. You act like her not gaining weight and keeping it on is a personal attack on you in some way.

Clumsy wording from you, raging hormones from your friend. Bad combo. Your intentions were pure, it'll all blow over. Good luck.

It is a myth. I was told that 12 years ago!
You owe your friend an apology.

Honestly it feels like people are just waiting in the wings to judge women’s appearance after a baby, good or bad. It’s too much pressure. You should have been more sensitive around such a touchy subject

If she teaches Pilates then this is her livelihood and her mindset would probably be quite different to yours. Also sometimes with a stressful medicalised pregnancy you try to hang onto what you can control when it seems that is not much. You touched a nerve and she lashed out back. If you are good friends then just forget it and let it go

Same!!! Someone at my door canvassing for local election votes, 9 years ago. Still not forgiven.

Her body isn't for you to comment on.

"You look great" would've done.

ETA:* *

"I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count."

Also, not for you to decide for her.

I think you should have had the sense to change the subject rather than continue to argue with her. She was right re the calories many people don’t choose that and that’s fine but she did so probably sounded like you were questioning her

Then maybe tell her she looked great instead of the phrasing you used? This is on you.

If you needed to comment on her body it should have been “you look fantastic” and that be the end of it. Weird to instigate a discussion about her body that was almost certainly going to become an argument with a woman who has literally just given birth.

I was in my pre-pregnancy clothes by about 5 days pp. I was still struggling with pain, no sleep etc. Most people didn’t mention the weight (because why would they?). I had one relative that mentioned it again and again and again though and I still find the memory of that so uncomfortable a decade later.

You were unreasonable for making the comment. For heavens sake why don't people keep things light when they see friends. Have fun. Stop making comments. It only takes a minute for something to go wrong as you've found out.

I could think of lots of things to say when I meet a certain friend. Mi purposely don't because I want to keep things on and even keel and I don't want to be in your situation. Once a bad words happened it's hard to get it back to what it was.
Id apologuse myself if I were you and learnt my lesson. Think before you speak.

She's not wrong. Eating for two means eating healthily because you are making choices for the baby, not just yourself. Not using being pregnant as an excuse to eat two people's worth of calories. The total increased need is about 200 calories a day, so again, she is not wrong.

Well she is right about that. You don't need to eat for two.

And also, by not dropping it and saying about calorie counting you were certainly going to make it into an argument. Why? For what purpose would you do that?

And also, what does it matter? - the pregnancy is done. You’re basically telling her that she did it wrong and also digging and digging those hole you got yourself in.

You were a bit rude to her

You did nothing wrong

Your friend teaches Pilates and has self-control and discipline when it comes to diet and exercise. All things to be admired. I think 'snapped back' is a bit odd.

Just say “you look really well” then!!!

Yeah sorry OP this one is on you. I have only ever heard the term 'snapped back' in relation to celebrities, usually by a tabloid newspaper or gossip mag. It insinuates some kind of effortless, u realistic process which doesnt require any effort. I don't blame her for being defensive as it sounds like she worked really hard.
Then for you to double down and say she didn't need to calorie count (which is actually untrue - you will gain excess fat in pregnancy if you overeat, just like any other time of life)
It definitely sounds like you were making some kind of point because you struggled with weight gain during pregnancy and you probably need to own that and apologise

Eating for 2 was widely known as a myth when I had my babies 25 years ago. It means being more mindful of nutrients because baby is sharing nutrition with mum. So if you don’t normally eat your 5 a day, you might try and do that more often or make swaps like swapping your tea for decaf. Mums were told 25 years ago that pregnancy and breastfeeding required 200 extra calories a day.

She is being very, very touchy, but I'd cut her slack on the basis that she is postpartum. I don't think you should feel bad about what you said- it was pretty innocuous and clearly intended as a compliment. FWIW I had a difficult, consultant led pregnancy, and took any compliments about my postpartum appearance as intended (I bloody loved them, actually). Some of her responses, however, were pretty unpleasant. I'd totally avoid food/ weight/ exercise discussions with her in future, as this stuff seems to be sensitive for both of you, and just carry on as normal otherwise.

People told me that I snapped back after giving birth. I hadn't put on that much weight anyway, and afterwards I had severe PND and couldn't really eat at all. It bugged me when people exclaimed over my slimness, when I'd have rather been happy and heavier!

I just spoke to a mutual who she is closer with and no realise I’ve fucked up even more. I asked mutual what they thought and she responded by saying she’s pretty sure she was referred to a dietician during pregnancy in order to make sure she only gained the minimal amount of weight possible as they didn’t think her body would be able to cope with carrying a baby to term plus gain a lot of weight due to her health conditions.

Obviously I had no idea otherwise I wouldn’t have well and truly put my foot in it like that!!! I admittedly scoffed my face during pregnancy and I don’t know how I’d have managed being micromanaged to the calorie, so I understand why my comment hurt even more.

I will send over an apology without dropping mutual friend in it.