AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

Of course you meant her weight. You've managed to tell us how much weight she put on, when precisely she lost it again, and how much her baby weighed. Stop lying to yourself that you meant her hair 😂

I just want to say she’s been very open about her weight gain and working and still working out the whole pregnancy. I only know how much because people have been asking her in the group chat. I didn’t grill her about this upon meeting her.

She’s never mentioned having to be on a diet though.

I don't think I would want you as a friend tbh

She’s in the right here. She was already slim and exercised, then continued to eat well and exercise so she added nothing other than literal baby weight. When the body was born, the weight went with it, clearly. She didn’t say a word about this until you did. It is difficult to be self-controlled and exercise when you’re waddling about so the implication it was luck / chance compared to your situation probably did annoy her, (even without her health issues).

Don’t bring up someone’s weight whether it’s weight gain or loss, regardless of the scenario.
if they bring it up first then that’s fine but even by mentioning someone losing weight quickly it can have a huge negative impact if they have say an eating disorder.

I think you should apologise, and in future avoid weight discussions

You are judging yourself by your intentions, and her by her actions.

You were incredibly rude and instead of apologising straight away, you continued to double down. Your insecurities are not hers to manage.

She sounds like she has a lot of issues with food and diet/fitness culture. But weight and looks is always a tricky subject and she's at a vulnerable point right now.

It doesn’t matter, you just didn’t need to use that horrible term “snapped back”

You mentioned her saying eating for two was a myth. Why? To try and slag her off and justify your comment, or what?

Does it come from insecurity about your own weight? I say this as someone who is not slim. It says a lot about you and your focus. Glad you are apologising! Try and make it sincere and not half hearted.

I just want to say she’s been very open about her weight gain and working and still working out the whole pregnancy.

Well this will be because it's her body.

You mention 'scoffing your face', wearing stained tops and not brushing your hair.

And then went on to say...

"She knew I struggled with pregnancy weight and even helped me to try and lose it and was very supportive but now I’m thinking did she really think I was just a greedy pig!"

You clearly have some unresolved personal issues, however, they are for you to address.

You won't find a resolution in discussing another woman's post partum body, or telling her you know better when it comes to her counting how many calories to consume.

I’d say OP has her own issues with diet and fitness culture..

She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories

Putting aside that there was a medical reason for her limited weight gain, she is right about this. Too many women think being pregnancy means being able to indulge but really, no need. Sounds like she’s worked hard to maintain her health and figure and you made it about luck.

You brought the topic up, she just responded in kind.

I was someone who ‘snapped back’. I only gained 20lbs each time and kept up my gym regime. I lost the weight, and a bit more, within 3 weeks.

I positively preened if anyone mentioned it, and it started with my post natal midwife visits. I can’t understand why someone complimenting you could be offensive.

By being healthy?

OP, I’ve just read your update and I was going to say something along those lines- that food has been a source of stress for her during her pregnancy and that’s why she was so upset by your comment.

When I was pregnancy with my ds I had all sorts of pregnancy related health issues the entire time. I was also nauseous, vomiting multiple times a day and struggling to consume any food. As a result, not only did I put on very little weight, but I also spent the entire pregnancy worrying myself sick that my baby wasn’t growing properly as I wasn’t consuming enough calories. I kept booking in for private scans to check ds was ok to the point the clinic told me I needed to stop because I was making myself even more unwell mentally. After I had ds (who incidentally was a lovely chunky 9lbs so I needn’t have worried) everyone kept saying how well I looked and that my figure had bounced back so quickly after having him and how lucky I was. But all I felt was upset that the reason my body was like that was from excessive vomiting, disordered eating and stress. I didn’t say anything to anyone and just said thank you as I knew people were just being nice, but I can understand why your friend was so upset and defensive.

Yes by being healthy, that's exactly what I meant, clever you

What a nasty horrible thing to say to a new mum. You snapped back. Her hormones be all over the place, she have lack of sleep then a so called friend said that. However we all make mistakes, apologize to her and I'm sure if a good friend you can move on from this.

And yet it's the OP using terms about herself, like 'scoffing her face' and fearing her friend thought she was a 'greedy pig'.

These are the main issues imo and what led the OP to start on her friend about calories etc.

I think the first mistake was saying she ‘snapped back’ instead of just saying ‘you look great’
Second mistake was saying she was pregnant and didn’t need to calorie count, that comes across as though you think she was dieting intentionally in order to put on minimal weight during the pregnancy for vanity reasons. Which is obviously not recommended and probably made her feel like she had to defend herself.
Also from your replies it sounds like everyone has been talking about her weight in the group chat which is actually really inconsiderate and odd, she must have felt really scrutinised having everyone talk about her weight and how much she has put on puclicly. How strange that her weight gain or not was a topic of conversation so i can totally get that she probably had enough and snapped. Having a newborn and being sleep deprived will definitely make her less tolerant of holding her tongue.

She shouldn't have to mentioned her personal medical details to you if she doesn't want to. She obviously didn't trust you enough to have that information and... Well, do you blame her?

Stop commenting on bodies! Just full stop. Yes she said nasty things too, but given the situation leniency goes her way.

Maintaining a healthy weight and workout routine, and not stuffing your face, does not mean you have a problem with “diet culture”

She is absolutely right.

She shouldn't have to mention the need for a diet or her medical condition.

And she is spot on with what she said. A pregnant woman only needs around 200 extra calories a day for pregnancy and should carry on doing exercise if they are able.

I was similar to her. I gained 1.5 stone, did exercise up to 38 weeks when I then switched to just walking, gave birth to a 10 lb baby and then was back to my normal weight and shape after 3 weeks. Although breastfeeding a hungry baby then long pram walks mostly took the weight off.

Its good you realise you owe your friend an apology as you were really rude and unnecessarily critical.

She's right! Eating for two is bullshit. Did you think that was true?

You seem to be having a really hard time just admitting that you ballsed up here and said something insensitive, fine, you made a mistake. All the post chat talk about whether she had seen a dietician or what you actually meant or blah blah blah is irrelevant as the fact remains that you said something that caused offence and you should have just apologised and left it at that.
if you have met yet spoken to your friend to apologise I suggest you take a breath and think about what you actually say because you sound at risk of causing further offence by referencing any number of scenarios in which you think you comment would have been ok and also the context of how you were post pregnancy should not be brought into the conversation at all, it’s not about you. Just suck it up and make a genuine apology

But it’s ok for the friend to accuse anyone who dares gain any weight during pregnancy of stuffing their face with McDonald’s.

She sounds insufferable to me!