AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

Just don't comment on people's weight ever.

She might have self control with food but clearly not when it comes to controlling herself snapping at her friend. Maybe it'll help her understand that self control isn't black and white.

I’m presuming she took offence at your suggestion she just snapped back! She did not snap back, she worked hard controlling her diet and exercised every day. It was hard work and perseverance. I think she wanted that aspect acknowledged instead of saying she was lucky it happened for her. She made it happen and it was hard work.

Can I ask what makes you think that?

I felt really guilty when I read her text but maybe I’m just being overshadowed by my embarrassment at my continuing of the conversation in the first place!

Like a lot of women, you're both sensitive about weight, and you're both sensitive about being thought to have done pregnancy 'right'.
Lesson here is to tread carefully round both these subjects with other women. Either say things you 100% know will uplift, encourage and make them feel positive about themselves, or keep off the subjects.

Really? About 90% of this thread has commented on you being insensitive and inappropriate, and you then smoothed things over with her, and now you posted this?

I think it’s obvious you’re the insecure one here, not her. And I can’t help but wonder if you envy her for being so restrained and for correcting you to say that eating for two is indeed a myth, which clearly hit a nerve. Stop trying to paint her as the bad guy here.

Snapped back projects jealousy from you about her figure v yours. Don’t be that woman and own up to what you need to do to get fit and not be overweight. Focus on you.

I can’t beleive you’ve made this all about you and your weight gain. Nearly every post is about it, and even your conversation with her was about it,and it was clearly a long time ago as you state it took you years to lose it.

its not a competition, its not about you. Your pregnancy was about you. This is not.

That was one of the few responses I’ve received since posting what she replied so I was just wondering if there was something I’ve missed.

You commented on her body first, she’s sleep deprived and in the hormonal newborn trenches! You should text and apologise

I had an emergency c section and was back in size 10 fitted jeans and heels after 10 days for my first. By my 3rd I had a 'mum pouch'. Every body is different and, as others say, don't comment on others bodies.

Yes this is what you had in your head, but you didn't actually tell her this. You said she snapped back which implies it was completely effortless, while she was stressing over her consultant-led pregnancy, working out and counting calories while trying to ignore cravings. It was hard work and you made it sound like it just happened for her. Yes her reaction was blown out of proportion, but it's normal when you're postpartum and sleep deprived

Yes. It’s extraordinary that after doing one of the hardest, most physical demanding, anxiety inducing things of my life so few people commented on anything of substance.

they could have congratulated me on a healthy baby, after a complex pregnancy; said how great it was I’d established a feeding routine despite us being on hospital for 10 days; celebrated that I was up and about despite almost dying.

but no, the single best thing I seemingly achieved was fitting back into my pre pregnancy jeans.

I don’t think what you have said is unreasonable, there is a lot of luck involved when it comes to fertility and how our bodies and endocrine, metabolic systems react to pregnancy, she’s also extremely lucky to have had a consultant led pregnancy and still been able to exercise, I’ve had 4 and was advised to be very cautious and even put on around 10 weeks of bed rest with 2 of the pregnancies, so yes I’m sure some of it is down to self control but some of it is also down to luck, for example no two women’s uterus’s shrink back to pre pregnancy size at the same rate, it’s largely down to genetics, she’s grown a whole baby and I’m sure it’s been a challenge as it always is, she now doesn’t have to navigate the arduous task of getting back into her pre pregnancy jeans and it’s highly likely a proportion of that is down to luck given what we now know about genetics, fertility and pregnancy.

Did you read any of the updates?

Sorry but OP you are entirely to blame, that was not appropriate. I lost a shocking amount of weight post partum due to breastfeeding. If someone had commented I would have been very upset. You need to apologise.

She just took me off guard with how defensive she was.

She had a baby three weeks ago, ffs. Her hormones are all over the place. You must know that it's pretty normal for a new mum to be feeling knackered, sensitive and unsettled?

She knew I struggled with pregnancy weight and even helped me to try and lose it and was very supportive but now I’m thinking did she really think I was just a greedy pig!

Again, she had a baby three weeks ago. This isn't about you. Your pregnancy body is really not uppermost in her mind right now.

I forgot she also said eating for two is just a myth and doesn’t exist also.

It is a myth, though!

Women need slightly more calories during pregnancy - but it's something like 300 calories extra at the absolute most, and it's less than that during early and late pregnancy. That's equivalent to, eg, two slices of toast. So she's really not wrong there. It's not even remotely equivalent to 'eating for two'.

Personally, I don't think I'd be fretting about calorie counting if i was pregnant, and I'm not saying anyone should stress about it, but she is still correct that 'eating for two' isn't really a thing.

Conversations like this never go well. But YWBU to suggest she’s ’snapped back ‘.

She clearly did her utmost to stay healthy and keep her baby healthy. I was the same with my firstborn (although not a Pilates person). I worked hard to stay healthy during my pregnancy.

She is right that many people use pregnancy as an excuse to ‘eat for two’ and that’s obviously complete nonsense. She was making the comments about McDonald’s etc because you felt to comment on something highly personal so of course she commented back.

And ‘snapped back’ is a equally derogatory way to say it too. It’s like one of those passive aggressive comments my mother would make.

I was mid 20s when I had DS1 and was back in my size 10 Topshop clothes straight away. He was also an unplanned pregnancy so whilst skint (now DH and I bought a house during pregnancy) I had been living in a house share and just worked/went clubbing so had a great wardrobe to wear to baby massage and rhyme time! I was incredibly busy with everything when pregnant and didn't stop moving. Finally, he was a great sleeper stright away and very easy going so I was able to have washed hair and make up on pretty much from the start.

I used to hate all the comments about how I looked like I hadn't had a baby because I felt I was being judged and made to be frivolous for still looking okay with a newborn. I adored my tiny baby (still adore the grown man he is now) and my world revolved around him. I felt I was being made out to be neglectful and had my priorities wrong by the snide "compliments".

None of this is a boast BTW, we had subsequent children and I didn't ever get back in those Topshop size 10s!! And I am sure you didn't mean it as a dig, but it did used to upset me and she may feel similar.

Just because she had a different opinion doesn’t make her rude . You mentioned weight first, she shouldn’t have to step on egg shells because you didn’t lose your baby weight. Like she said she worked hard and you tried to push it of as luck . Even thought you admitted it’s hard for you to lose the weight.

It sounds like your friend knows how to snap back in lots of ways (fit body and responding to jibes from so called friends). Good on her.

If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out, OP. You sound like the child in the playground who upsets other kids but then cries when someone else upsets them.

Oh give over, you wanted to hear her being trashed.

Glad it's been sorted. We don't know the ins and outs of what others are going through. You would love to have looked like her after your babies. But for her it was incredibly difficult, stressful, upsetting. And people are making out she's "lucky" and got it easy because she's "bounced back" it must feel like all that work she did is completely dismissed. Like when you have a really traumatic birth and people just say "well all that matters is that babys ok"

because she has been disciplined.. which is her choice and just as valid as any other choice as long as mum and baby stay healthy