AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

She sounds hard work Tbh

I had no trouble following your logic and I agree with you. Some issues with food != eating disorders.

Like you I would give anyone the side eye for this comment:

She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control

That isn’t someone who had HG, its a spiteful comment.

Seeing the OP’s fuller account of what she actually said I’ve shifted from YABU to YANBveryU. I’d never heard the term “snapped back” until this thread but the preamble was polite and complimentary telling a new mother how well she seemed to be doing.

As a general rule the only safe comments for a post natal mother are “what a lovely baby” and “how are you feeling” but the OP doesn’t deserve the caning she is getting here.

You both need different friends.

She is saying you shouldn't have stuffed your face
Go easy on her she has just had her baby with all that entails.....

Commenting about someone's body is asking for trouble, especially only 3 weeks after giving birth.

YABU.

All these comments on don’t comment on a woman’s body make me laugh. There’s reals
of posts on here of people complaining when no-one appears to notice their weight loss 😂

Sounds like she worked hard to remain active and healthy during her pregnancy and for you to say she “snapped back” probably irritated her as you made it sound like there was no effort involved and she was “just lucky” when that’s clearly not the case.

You really shouldn’t ever comment on someone’s weight or body shape. And at 3 weeks post partum she’s still hormonal and sleep deprived.

give her a break

But there IS an element of luck. I was incredibly fit before I got pregnant. I felt so nauseous throughout my pregnancy and the only things I could eat were high calorie items, and to eat regularly. I put on much more weight than I wanted to as a result.

She took a compliment and turned it into an insult? Unless she didn’t understand the concept of ‘snapped back’. I half understand her frustration, it’s rather like working out every day and eating healthy then someone saying ‘on you’re so lucky to be naturally slim’. But it’s just one of those things and something you learn to accept surely.

Also I’m assuming you are close friends so I don’t understand people saying certain topics are off limits and you can’t discuss each others bodies, particularly in a positive way? If this was a colleague or acquaintance then yes of course you wouldn’t remark on their body, but a close friendship?

See I would hate a friend to be so cautious around me and speaking as if from a script, even if I had just given birth. I just want everyone to be themselves and talk normally to me, no matter what I’m going through. That’s what friendships are, not treading on eggshells like you need to when dealing with a customer at work!

Yes but with everyone in the world not being the same person, it’s best to be cautious and stick to ‘you look great’.

Eating for two IS a myth, Op! The amount of extra calories you need when pregnant is minimal. It sounds like you thought that overeating was a good thing to do for both you and your baby, eating for two, eating what you fancy all the time as pregnant, putting your feet up and relaxing rather than gym, blah blah you were misinformed and it sounds like people around you did you a disservice @Annoyd
glad thing seem back on track with you and your friend

I’m with you Op. You weren’t being nasty, you were giving a compliment. Some people take offence at everything. And yes, it is difficult for many in pregnancy not to put on a stack of weight! It’s unfair to just put it down to discipline if she didn’t pile it on.

How desperately sad that it's a competition.

You can't snap back no more than you can have it all.

I’m not posting the text exchange but to summarise she apologised for her comments and thanked me for my apology. She said she keeps getting the snapped or bounced back comment and she finds it really rude because it implies she has recovered easily when in reality she was in hospital every week getting weighed, not allowed to eat what she wants nor allowed to give in to intense cravings she had. She said me saying that some women can’t help piling on weight is the exact same as her not helping the fact she didn’t gain anything other than baby as weight - which I now understand.

She said she took my you don’t have to calorie count in pregnancy personally because she did as they advised her they didn’t even think her body would be able to carry the baby to term (luckily she did) and was chastised for putting weight on too fast at one point as she put a few pounds on.

I think everything is good and the air cleared between us. It has given me food for thought though because you don’t know what goes on… it’s also taught me to keep my mouth shut!!

Aw that's grand. Glad you got it sorted out. Sounds like she went through a tough time during her pregnancy.

Some people just don’t put on weight whether they actively try or it’s just the way they are built. I have said it before the last month before my mat leave/baby was born, thanks to hybrid and remote working I took my replacement around introducing her to my colleagues and one of them asked if I was time for a change/fresh start! I was like no, I am due in 2 weeks... her face :)
we just laughed off saying obviously everyone is taking their mandatory training on work place ettiquitte very seriously! I went back to my desk with a flurry of emails/good wishes… I was 38 weeks… my mum arrived a few days before said baby was born and on the way home from the airport she reminded me she was half my age when she had me and she didn’t look as I did! (Strong and energetic apparently). I think people just say things sometimes without meaning to offend but it does anyway. Just apologise to your friend and move on. We are all different. There are some glamorous/gorgeous mamas in our baby class and I am always wondering how they do it! I might be skinny but I am a hot mess covered in drool or spit up mostly. And what isn’t on my clothes is usually in hair… it’s done now OP, just apologise, learn from it and move on.

remdmber she has only had the baby 3 weeks so give her a break. Also she may have had a lot of people making comments and may be fed up.

Haha jealous much!!! 😆some women snap back some don’t both are COMPLETELY okay it’s all too do with something called genetics ffs get a life and stop picking on a post partum HEALTHY woman.

She’s right
Women rarely ‘snap back’ but usually make a
conscious effort to stay active during pregnancy and eat a healthy diet.
There are challengrs to some women doing tjis as effectively, yes, but you opened up the conversation

I dont think this would’ve bothered me. I did have to sit and listen to 3 friends separately tell me how they snapped back into their size 12 jeans straight after giving birth. Ive been a 16 so since my first having been a 10-12 for years. One was 21 when she had her baby . Another said she had no stretch marks. I had stretch marks before. I just brushed it off tbh because it was better than falling out because all but one of them I know, meant well.

In your defence the majority of women would take this is a compliment. I lost the baby weight easily and I loved wearing my pre baby clothes and lapping up the compliments I’m not going to lie 😂 I can see why she might have been offended in her circumstances but it’s just one of those things, you’ve apologised now so it is what it is

@Annoyd She sounds insufferably smug tbh.

This.