AIBU regarding friend snapping back after pregnancy

[Annoyd]

My friend had a baby 3 weeks ago and by all accounts she has “snapped back”. She lost all of her baby weight by last week (not that she gained much) and looks amazing. You cannot tell she’s had a baby.

She gained about 1.5 stone whilst she was pregnant (baby 8 pounds) and carried on working out until she gave birth. She teaches Pilates and is very holistic and healthy.

We met for a coffee and I mentioned how she snapped back and she immediately took offence to this as if I was saying she had had it easy. Maybe this was the wrong choice of words by me as she had a consultant led pregnancy due to prior health diagnosis and I know she had a lot of medical involvement/appointments during pregnancy.

This may have been clumsy wording for me but I was just trying to say she looked great. Personally I gained a LOT of weight during pregnancy and it took me years to lose.

She then said she snapped back at me saying because she worked hard to keep herself fit her whole pregnancy and didn’t lose self control just because she was pregnant. I said she was pregnant and she didn’t need to calorie count. She said you only needed to eat an extra 200 calories as advised by her many medical appointments etc and her doctors were all super happy with how much weight she gained.

I said she was being a bit unfair because some women get so sick during pregnancy they can only eat certain foods etc. She then said she had severe morning sickness for half of it but she refrained from stuffing McDonald’s in her face every day and it’s about self control.

Our meeting ended quite sour and I feel pretty upset. IABU to think she was being very inconsiderate? She knows I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and found it hard to lose and now feels as if she’s saying I should have stopped stuffing my face.

You should have just said she looked wonderful. Using words like "snapped back" does imply she had it easy. Presumably you knew she was consultant led so had more issues than usual.

She is actually right about the extra calories and fitness. Pregnancy isn't an excuse to eat mountains of food. She managed to keep control and that's admirable. It does make it so much easier afterwards.

If you put on a lot of weight during pregnancy, as I did, and many women do, you have to admit that it was mostly because you ate too much, "eating for two" etc and it did give you an excuse to overeat. I know I certainly did, it was greed, not physical necessity, and afterwards I wished I'd had more self control.

You gave her a compliment and she snapped back with sly digs. I think she sounds quite nasty and judgemental, but she is 3 weeks PP. If she isn't usually like that I'd let it go.

Sorry but she sounds like she has a disgusting, judgemental attitude towards other women. I put on shedloads dueing pregnancy because if I didnt eat almost continually I wanted to puke throughout the entire bloody pregnancy! I lost it all afterwards as my appetite went back to normal after giving birth.

She sounded quite vile and you sounded like yoh were being lovely and supportive. Mayne mega sleep deprivation or hormones has made her act like this but honestly its 100% not you.

You commented on her weight first, then continued to argue with a hormonal, sleep deprived new mother who had a difficult pregnancy. I’d reflect on your behaviour before slating hers!

This

Instead of saying ‘you look great’ you used the ridiculous loaded term snapped back. You were not smart or gracious enough to acknowledge your error and so doubted down and made yourself the victim.

and the moment she initially snapped back at you you should have just said that! i.e. 'I'm so sorry if I upset you, it wasn't meant as criticism or a suggestion that you had it easy, I honestly just wanted to compliment you and say you look great.'

Then move on with the conversation.

Not continue to argue with someone who, even if she 'doesn't look' as if she's had a baby, is, as a pp pointed out, still impacted by having one - hormones, exhaustion, complete life change etc. You've said you were 'a mess' and exhausted post partum, there is no reason that just because she looks well she isn't struggling just as much, or more, internally.

Perhaps she was being inconsiderate but you started it, even uninitentionally. YABU to be annoyed at her for responding in the same way.

But ‘snapped back’ specifically refers to losing the baby weight and being back in pre pregnancy clothes. You could have just say she looked lovely.

Her point is that ahead worked fucking hard to look after herself and ulyoubsaying she "snapped back" entirely diminishes the effort and implies it was luck

I do realise my choice of words was clunky and I don’t know why I didn’t just say sorry!
I know she worked hard throughout pregnancy and was still teaching classes at 9 months so I know she didn’t just get lucky which is of course what that term implies. I was trying to be nice.

She just took me off guard with how defensive she was. She knew I struggled with pregnancy weight and even helped me to try and lose it and was very supportive but now I’m thinking did she really think I was just a greedy pig!

I forgot she also said eating for two is just a myth and doesn’t exist also.

To the person who asked why I didn’t meet her at her house I did suggest that! She’s the one who said let’s go for a coffee.

It was interesting the research re pregnancy and birth, that came out of Covid. A lot of women report eating for energy, or so they can keep going, because of all they have to do. Once work was taken out of the equation, or just the commute, pregnancy health/weight was improved. Stress hormones play havoc with women's weight, as does a lack of sleep.
OP, I agree with posters, stop commenting on weight, make it about health and drop misogynistic phrases like, snapped back. I dropped any weight I'd gained after having my second. It didn't make anything easier or meant that I wasn't struggling in other ways. Did you actually ask her how she was?

You commented on her weight.

She was probably frustrated and exhausted so snapped.

Shes also not wrong about not needing many more calories and having self control. But she probs didn't need to go so far.

Totally get you were trying to be nice. However impact matters more than intent.

Incidentally she is correct about “eating for two” being a myth.

@Annoyd eating for two is a myth? Although most women just fo their best. We should be supportive to each other.

You think she just 'snapped back'.

She thinks she had a really difficult pregnancy, worked out throughout which is difficult to do even in an easy pregnancy, paid attention to her diet, and tried really hard to take best care of herself and her coming child.

It sounds like you feel its unfair some women 'snap back' and some women struggle to lose weight they don't wish to keep. In her view she worked hard at that struggle. You just wrote it all off as 'snapping back' - as if it was easy rather than hard work.

I can see why she felt your comment was off tbh.

Not the crime of the century. I'd send a text saying youve reflected and now you feel like it was a silly thing to say and you're sorry, can you make it up with coffee soon...

Tbh it's better just not to comment on stuff like this.

The eating for two saying, should not be a green light to eat loads extra. It just means needing a couple of extra hundred calories, per day to support the body growing a baby.

That’s really not a hill to die on. Text her ‘sorry for my clumsy wording, what I meant to say is you look great. See you soon’ and move on. She might have overreacted but don’t we all sometimes so soon after birth, cut her some slack.

Making comments on someone’s body is always risky even with the best of intentions. Where she misread the compliment I think you should have left it there and certainly not doubled down! That’s some hole you’ve dug there.

Then why not just say exactly that?

Face it, she probably does think you were a greedy pig, which, if you admit it to yourself, you probably were, as are many women during pregnancy.

However, something that she would normally have kept to herself came out as retaliation to your comments about snapping back, and also because she just had a baby 3 weeks ago.

You are how you are, don't be so sensitive about it. She can think what she likes about your weight and given her job she's bound to prioritise weight and fitness.

Am I the only one thinking the most impressive thing this new mom did was get out for coffee with a friend at 3 wks post partum? Just me? Getting out of the house was still for challenging for me, then.

OP: I want to tell you to message her to say you're so sorry you guys had an argument about unimportant things, she's still an important friend to you & you want to forget about the disagreements & move on. Hopefully she feels the same.

I think you should have stuck at ‘congratulations on the baby, you look lovely, how are you getting on?’
It’s odd that you commented straight away on her weight, some of my friends literally looked like they did prior to having a baby within a couple of weeks, others didn’t.
I think if I were you I’d send a message to say that you are sorry that you upset her.
I don’t know why you continued to practically argue with her about it. Some women use being pregnant as an excuse to eat far more then they need ‘eating for two’ I know I did 😂
When she replied about having self control that was your cue to just say nothing more about it, change the subject and carry on catching up.

I know it was well meaning op but with the hormones of a new baby maybe she’s just feeling not her self. Can you drop her a message and apologise for your clumsy comment and getting together for a coffee again soon sort of thing?

I think it was clumsy & ill thought out. You do you.

Spot on.