AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

There are some parallels here, didn’t end well…

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5525696-aibu-to-question-what-my-fiance-expects-of-me-as-a-stepmum?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Doesn’t sound like it’s working, which isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. You not unreasonably want him to be a proper “family member”band prioritise family time over his friends . He also not unreasonably doesn’t want to parent someone else child in his “free time”, with a demanding job to contend with. Not compatible.

You’re right I haven’t thought of that.

Love how you say being a TA is stressful but
you make it sound like your partner - who is an A+E doctor - is living the life of Riley!

Im thinking how stress free your life must be. 1 child half the week and a 9-3 TA job. You’re having a laugh 😂.

organise a fun family day if you want him around, but he’s not your childcare

At 96% "YABU" and going by the comments, I think she's getting a similar reaction (and fairly so, IMO). But just to make it clear that it's not about father/mother expectations - it's "step parents are not parents".

Have you suggested things to do all 3 of you of a weekend? if he has absolutely no interest I’d end things, this isn’t the making of a family, your DS will be the one on the outside if you have a child together.

Of course he deserved a lie in at the weekend. He doesn't have children.

If you want a lie in at the weekend you need to look at how you parent 50:50.

If you want a weekend night out you need to make arrangements for DC dad to have him.

Imagine the reverse if a man was expecting his GF to get up and look after his child? Your DP is not your childs father.

You have child free evenings 3 nights a week, support from your mum and a job which you can leave at work (unlike or teaching or being a doctor). Sorry little sympathy here. He is not his dad.

Tbf he does do things the op is just annoyed and resentful he wasn't up at 7 am to "help her" with her son.and then have the nerve to go out and meet friends.

Also: you're a TA and he's a doctor in A&E but your job is stressful??

Is this a wind up?

Posters keep saying that this man has 'chosen' to live with the OP/have a relationship with someone with a child which seems to overlook the fact that the OP has also chosen this man to move in with her and her child.

If he doesn't want to be a parent, that's his prerogative and he is beholden to nobody but himself.

The OP, on the other hand, has allowed her son to form a close parental-style attachment to a man who very clearly doesn't see himself in that role, and instead of re-evaluating her priorities, she's trying to force him to take on even more of a parental role and talking about having a child with him (literal disaster waiting to happen IMO). This is all on you OP - you are doing your son an utter disservice by continuing this relationship.

And meet them only “occasionally” too!

I think you need to accept your DP has no interest in being a father figure to your DS. For me, that would be a deal breaker and I certainly wouldn't be having children with him as the difference in treatment will be obvious and damaging. I don't think your DP is wrong necesarily, but I do think you are incompatible.

YABU. He’s not responsible for waking up early to entertain or spend time with you and DS. It comes across as whiney and needy. If so I don’t blame him going offside.

Also sounds like you resent the status quo (could be you’re not compatible or at different life stages) but saying if you have more kids, you’ll be the one having the lie ins is childish. Surely you’d share it then as you would both have agreed to take on the responsibility.

To somehow think he owes you in such a scenario for all the times you had to get up to care for your DS is ridiculous. He doesn’t.

Nailed it

We don’t need to imagine- it’s a very common subject and each time it’s posted, the advice is always very clear that the child is the parent’s responsibility!

2 years isn’t even that long of a relationship…and the OP appears to have an extremely limited grasp on how intense her partners life as an A&E doctor must be

I don't understand your thoughts process at all. You aren't a family. You are living with a partner who has no desire to be a stepparent. Adding further children into the mix would be downright silly and you most definitely wouldn't get your lie in. Living with him does not benefit your child in any way. He is right that you do get break from your ds in a way that other parents don't. Your job may well be stressful but so is his and your child is your responsibility.

…and welcome to the latest thread where the OP doesn’t get the corroboration they felt entitled to so goes quiet.

His job is nothing like yours so you can’t remotely compare them. I think you have a lot of child free time tbh and shouldn’t be complaining.

It would be good for your relationship if you had some weekends without your DS. Then youre on more of an equal footing at least a couple of weekends a month. Could you alternate contact days so your ex has DS every other weekend? DS is obviously at school so you should be able to make it work.

You are never going to have a family life with this man.

He’s a boyfriend not a partner.

You only have your son half the week and work fewer hours than your partner (sorry but I had to laugh when you said that your job was stressful as a comparator to an A&E doctor). And yet you want someone who is NOT the father of your kid to do more? The man who has provided finally for him, despite him not being his child. Make it make sense. Entitled much?

I'm struggling to see how he is a cocklodger given he probably pays the bulk of hosuehold expenses and her ex has her hid half the time already

Having said that this doesn't bode well for a long term relationship, he is making very clear his boundaries and I can get it but what happens when they have kids. I saw another post where a step father says he looked after and tested his step son as his own for over 10 years and now there's a rift with the kid turning 18 and wanting to celebrate with his "real family" meaning his biological father and his mother on a week long yatch trip.

Blended families are very difficult but unfortunately becoming more and more mainstream and normal. There was another post about a lady who was upset that her new husbands family didn't treat her daughter from a previous relationship the same as their biological grandchild and ended up separating.

Anyway I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore, he has set his boundaries and OP needs to decide if it works for her or not but form what I've read I don't see her leaving when if she doesn't like it because it looks like she is financially dependent on him and if her ex has the kid 50:50 that means no child support....

I think it’s a “tweaked” reverse. This person moans at intervals about their doctor partner wanting to fob their child off onto them. They post A LOT about the situation but never seem to listen