AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

Moved in far too soon

Poor kid - you only have him half the week. Why don’t you want to wake up with him?!

Me too!

I have pretty solid self esteem but I cannot imagine thinking I had a bad deal in this situation.

She gets -

Weekdays finishing work in the middle of the afternoon with no childcare duties

Some full days to herself in school holidays (not entirely clear how many but if the ex is doing 50:50, quite a lot)

A doctor boyfriend financially supporting her and her child, spending time with them at weekends

A mother who steps in when the 50% of time she has with her child is too much

And somehow she's complaining that she has to get up with her own child and her boyfriend isn't realising that she is the one with the dreadfully stressful job and needs her rest!

Nobody is confused at the situation, confused as to why your ds dad gets EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND OFF and you don't see a issue with it yet see a huge issue in your dp spending his time off with his friends instead of looking after your ds so you can go out?

There was a women posting recently saying her dp expected her to get up and share childcare for his kids and not see her friends when they are there.

its totally reasonable he should do as he pleases as long as he pulls his weight in the house but its also ok for you to want a more hands on partner. It’s also a bit crap he will never babysit he’s definitely not a team player. And It sounds like you are not compatible in your long term plans.
And of course theres a concern he wont pull his weight if you two have kids definitely something to be concerned about

Not a great attitude. I tell you what, you follow a Friday shift in A&E and decide whether or not, on balance, you'd like to lie in until 10am on a Saturday.

In a way, this kind of self worth is to be admired in a woman, as it’s definitely what men do!

He needs to run for the hills.

Yes indeed. Especially following that remark about their potential child...

If you are jealous of the freedom your childless DP has, maybe you could ask XP if he could have DS more?

But it’s not 50% of the weekends! The weekends are all falling on OP. To make it fairer they need to work contact so each parent has 1 weekend day or dad is getting all his weekends feee and mum isn’t. The issue shouldn’t be her DP helping her it should be the child’s dad doing some of the weekends

You sound like you think being an ED Dr is as stressful as being a TA ? 🤨
He’s your child, if he’s such a burden give him to his dad and have him EOW?
I wouldn’t be having anymore children.
I’ve worked in ED on and off since 1999 , which Drs don’t work weekends?

Absolutely. A man would be accused of wanting a "nanny with a fanny" (disgusting expression). The DP is respecting that her child is not his child.

Just saying that women often complain on here if they're dating a man with a child, and he expects her to parent that child.
Not saying either way is wrong-it's really up to the couple to decide. Some people think a step-parent should effectively be exactly the same as a "normal" mum or dad. Some people think they shouldn't be. Either way, you both need to discuss and agree on what you're doing, for the chlid's sake.

It's even worse than that - the "nanny with a fanny" is usually not financially supporting them too!

I hope you’re not telling a Dr in A&E that your job as a TA doing 9am-3pm is extremely stressful. I don’t think his will be a walk in the park.

Can you imagine the death and destruction a Doctor in A&E is dealing with day to day? No wonder the poor bloke wants to chill out.

At the end of the day, he doesn’t have a kid, you do, for half the week.

Change pattern ds is with dad. Share weekends

I tell you what, when you've qualified for medical school, run up tens of thousands of student debt, qualified as a doctor and worked full time in A and bloody E...

Then, and only then can you tell him he doesn't deserve a lie in on a Saturday.

This child is yours, not his. He is quite rightly setting boundaries. If you stay together and have a child, that child would be half his, and therefore both your responsibility. Given he doesn’t have children, and has a very responsible job, I would agree he deserves a lie in at weekends. No way would I be getting up for someone else’s child at weekends after a hectic week.

Likewise.

There's a poster on here who's been doing fairly regular threads over a few months about her partner who resents her not getting up at the weekend to parent his child, and who leaves her looking after the child while he goes on the piss. She's always told that he's exploiting her and not to have any kids with him, which is good advice. I hope she takes it, whether this OP is her or not.

Honestly? He doesnt love you and your DS as family. You are his girlfriend who happens to have a child. It's a misalignment in expectations I'm afraid.

If I only seen my dc Friday-Monday, id want them all to myself.

So you get 50-% of the week off when you can do as you please (with or without your partner) a fully engaged ex, and you are expecting your Partner to not do things with friends on the days he has off? A and E is not 9-5 and you work 9-3???
Your partner is contributing financially and will engage in day trips etc… but won’t get up with your DS at the weekends. I think you are very unreasonable and have a pretty balanced life tbh!!

He isn’t responsible for your kid.

Plus he works in a very stressful job, he can sleep/rest all he wants on his days off.

The weekends are a red herring though because she does have a significant number of weeks in the year when she doesn’t have her child and is off during the week.