AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

or, not so much a partner as a lodger with benefits

When a stepmum posts on here that here that her DH/DP expects her to be fully involved with his kids when he has them and to give up any idea of her having her own life, the general response is that the kids are there to see their dad and while she shouldn't (obviously) be mean to them they are not her responsibility and dad should be doing most of the legwork.

Just because the sexes are reversed doesn't change the principle. He is your son and he's there to see his mum. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. That's great. But it doesn't mean DP has to take on the role of full time dad. And for someone in a demanding job like A&E having a lie in until 10.00 sounds fine. It's not like he doesn't get up until mid afternoon.

From what you've said DP isn't away every weekend and he must do quite a lot with you and your son for them to have such a good relationship. You are being unfair to expect much more. It's perfectly reasonable for him to have some freedom, and as a PP has pointed out you have a lot more freedom than he does during the week.

Can you change your contact arrangements so that the child’s father has him one day a weekend? The current arrangement seems weighted in his favour rather than yours? If you need time at the weekend then surely that should be dad’s responsibility not your partners?

What on earth are you on about?

My point was that OP made the decision to have a child, so said child is her responsibility - she can't expect to palm him off on her partner because she wants even more time off than she already does (given she only does 50% anyway).

Team DP. Is this a reverse? Because you are so obviously unreasonable.

Your DP is not being unreasonable as your DS is your child not his.

Is there a reason why DS stays with his Dad every week and you get every weekend? Could you change the arrangement so DS gets every other weekend with you and every other weekend with Dad, then you would have every other weekend to do what you like with your DP, child free.

Your partner/boyfriend works 5 days a week as an A&E physician. I think he probably deserves a lie-in on Saturdays. Watch The Pitt if you need a graphic illustration of what he is dealing with in his working life.

Really your dp isn't responsible for a child who isn't his, and who has two bio parents who share care of that child 50/50.

There was a post recently by a woman who had brought a man in to her childs life when the child was very young and went on to have a child with him.

When they split about 10 years later, she was dealing with the fallout that he no longer wanted to see the eldest (his stepchild) and it was devastating to them.

My point is that he isn't your DCs dad or steppsrent and he is making that very clear. If you split now, it will impact your child, but if you have kids with him or carry on convincing yourself and DC that you're a family rather than a woman who has two relationships under the same roof (as a mum and girlfriend) then you're making a catastrophic mistake.

He is being really clear. Whst you do with that info is up to you. But fgs don't lead your child to believe that he is a father figure because he lives there and is nice to DC.

Your boyfriend is right. Your child is not his responsibility. Do you live together? If so, I think you are having this discussion too late. You should have talked about this before committing to him. If you don’t live together, don’t!

as others have said, you only have your son half the time, I’m surprised you aren’t wanting to maximise the time you have with your son. A solution would be to change the contact days with your ex. They aren’t working for you. He might be really pleased to spend an extra day or two with his son at the weekend.

Also wondering if this is a reverse because its so unreasonable.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - it doesn’t sound to me like you’re trying to offload your child on your partner, but that you want to spend some weekend time as a family, instead of your partner always going off to do his own thing. And it sounds like that isn’t the dynamic your partner is looking for. In which case he should not have moved in with you, frankly. It is just plain wrong to set up home with somebody who already has a child and expect to maintain the unencumbered lifestyle of somebody with no responsibilities. If he wanted that - and it’s not unreasonable of him to want that - then you should have stayed living separately and just seen each other in your free time.

Yeah, that sounds quite reasonable. You have 50% of the week childfree already, which is more than most of us have. I wouldn’t leave my dc with someone who wasn’t their dad just to have a night out. If I only saw them 3/4 days a week, frankly I’d want to be with them, not going out getting wasted on a Saturday. I think it’s healthy he doesn’t spend every day out with you. Your kids need their mum. Not their mum on a date every Saturday.

Do I think he sounds a bit of a dick? Maybe.

Do I think he’s wrong? Not really. It’s your child, you have most of your week pretty free and school finishes at 3, maybe 4pm? I don’t see anything wrong in you getting up to look after your own child.

Do you really think your opinion is ‘information’?
OP take or leave this opinion, based as it is on about 6 sentences about your life.

Hes right.

I honestly just don’t understand why any single adult with no kids, would voluntarily get into a relationship with someone with a three year old.

It is inevitable the parent of the child will hope everyone is going to play happy families, it is also inevitable the ‘step parent’ in this scenario is going to want to retain their freedom to do as they wish, and not start centring their life around someone else’s child (and children this age are pretty all-consuming).

I can’t really see how anyone expects this to work.

YABVU!!!

He's a doctor. The child isn't his. You haven't been together that long. I cannot believe you think he should be doing childcare and not seeing his friends. You have half the time away from your child already!

I agree that he should be doing things with you and your DS sometimes on weekends. He shouldn't be doing childcare.

You want a blended family.
He has a girl friend with a son.
These are not compatible.

Jesus Christ, you don’t see your son 50% of the week and you’re still complaining that you have to get up with him!

And you work as a TA which I know means that you’re finished work by 4pm.

I can only assume this is a massive windup but if not you are mad. Honestly I don’t know what you expected when you had kids and then got divorced! It sounds like you just want your partner to be a manny when your DS is not his child AND he’s got a horrifically stressful job!

my husband and I are a blended family - we both have children and we treat all children of the family the same when they are in our care. My sister who lived with me for a time when my children were small was a trusted adult in their life - good to them, kind, behaved in an age appropriate when around them but not obviously not their parent. Your partner is more like the latter. He makes that clear. That seems reasonable to me for a boyfriend of a few years.

My ex has our child Fri after school which I have to bring them home first, until Sunday afternoon, and I am exhausted and stressed as lots going on, does that mean i shouldn’t be tired too.

He clearly IS spending some time with the child at weekends as the OP says he's very good with the child and the child loves him!

If you want more freedom and to go out on weekends you need to be changing the agreement with your DS dad. You ex gets every weekend off - don't seem to mind that but resent dp for having the weekends free due to his work schedule.