AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

You have your child less than half the week, you have an 18 hour a week job, on likely very little pay and your high flying doctor boyfriend financially supports you. You then have the cheek to resent him of his free time.

You’re living the life of Riley and yet you are not satisfied. He’s financially supporting you, you’re a mother less than half of the week. All school holiday off too so up to 14 weeks of lie ins when your ex has your child. Your boyfriend deserves much better, I can’t see this lasting.

Neither can I. The entitlement is of the scale. This is either made up, or OP lacks any kind of reality.
Part time parent, part time job and expects her partner, not the childs Father who is a Doctor to look sfter her child while she goes out. Unbelievable.

Personally, I think he's being a bit of a twat refusing to watch the lad so OP can go out. Not every event or gathering will be timed to her schedule.
Would be nice if he viewed it not so much as childcare but as an opportunity to support her enrichment...if that makes sense? Nothing wrong with him stepping up once in a while for that.

Still don't think he needs to get up early with OP's son or spend his weekends having family time. He's not obligated to sacrifice his own free time to play pseudo dad.

Being kind because you love someone is always nice though. Could be wrong of course but I am sensing a power imbalance here. Dunno.

OP has her child for three days a week. She works part-time on the other four. She has 13 weeks of leave every year. It also sounds like her mother often looks after the child on the three days a week he is supposed to be with his mother.

Why does she need her boyfriend who works full-time in a highly stressful job have to look after her child so she can go out?

She has plenty of time to go out. It sounds like she is trying to offload the poor child on as many people as she can.

Why is she so keen to minimise the time she spends with him? It would be more kind and honest to let his father have full custody and she pay child maintenance.

I suspect she wouldn't want to do anything that meant getting off her lazy backside though...

It's only my opinion. I'm not seeking to argue.

He is not your babysitter. He has no parental responsibility to your son. He can do whatever he likes. That’s basically it in a nutshell.

Not sure what the issue is. You’ve split up and that’s why you get no help from dad. However, you say your child is with dad some of the week so why can’t you enjoy time to yourself then??

I’d suggest you re negotiate with your ex. You having the child every weekend means that the ex isn’t really doing 50%. Because ex has child school days so doesn’t really need to lol after him for full days. This is why a lot of people do every other weekend so that both parents have weekends to themselves and weekends with their child. Sounds like the ex is probably able to go out and enjoy child free weekends as well as the current partner.

I can understand the current partner not wanting to get up with a child not his and do a bulk of childcare. I also think it might be nice of him to occasionally look after child so OP can do something on a weekend just so they can build up a relationship.

As a TA you’ll have a bit more freedom in school holidays when your ex has the child when you are off and you can sleep and do child free things. As long as the current partner isn’t expecting you to be cooking and cleaning in the holidays.

Edited to add. I’m a single parent and we started off with a nearly 50/50 which looked like every other weekend and every other week some days and nights too. Overtime this has changed to them seeing him once a week for tea. It’s exhausting. This is also why I’ve stayed out of the dating scene as I at an age where I’d meet someone with kids and I’m not sure how I’d feel about having to take those on and how my kids would feel about another partner.

He's not the child's father. The child is elsewhere most of the week.

Sort your child arrangements with DS dad so that you alternate weekends then you have every other weekend free. It’s not your DP responsibility to get up with your child or sacrifice his lifestyle/hobbies for your child. And also not to sound rude, but you work 9-3 and don’t have your son half of the time, how exhausted can you be? As an A&E doctor his downtime is seriously important. I’m speaking as an NHS nurse and single mother of three who only go to their dads for 3 nights a fortnight. Maybe focus on doing what makes you and your DS happy when DP is busy. And it’s ok for him to set a boundary saying he doesn’t want to babysit your son.

This sums it up

If you wanted child free weekends why don't you change your contact arrangements and ask your ex to have his child every other weekend. Your son is in full time school now I guess(if you're in the UK?). So your ex is having your son after school on Monday until Friday morning, therefore doing all of the school runs except for the Monday morning drop off and the Friday afternoon pick up. What are you doing with all your free time after work on Monday to Thursday that you apparently don't get a break at all? Your partner probably doesn't want to spend all his free time with your kid because he wants you to have quality time with him considering you don't have him for most of the week either

The way I see it you custody arrangement with your ex is the problem. Surely you should alternate weekends unless there’s a big backstory. I can’t be arsed to read all 12 pages tbh.
you are v unreasonable to expect your dp to get up early with your child just so you can get a lie in. You need to take that up with your ex.

It's not his son. You can't force a man to parent a child who isn't his.

This isn’t someone who I would want to be in a long term relationship with. Not necessarily because he’s done anything wrong but because I would want my partner to welcome my child as his own and not be treated any differently to any future children you’d have together.
You cannot compare your job to his. I’m a HLTA which is no where as stressful as a job as a doctor in A&E. You also have all of the holidays off so 50% of that time to yourself.
Your son isn’t his child so he has every right to opt out of caring for him.
If you want someone who will adopt your family as their own, splitting responsibilities, then this isn’t the person for you.

Surely DP is funding your housing situation? I can’t see a consultant living in accommodation paid for 50:50 with a TA!

But he doesn't have children, so why should he not have his freedom? In the bluntest way, your child is not his responsibility and he doesn't have to help you

You have a child, who has 2 very involved parents.

That said, I would say do not plan to have children with this man, and maybe reconsider if this is the right relationship for you and your child at the moment...it sounds like you both want different things

A ta is a very stressful job especially in schools at the moment

Well he’s right to say that the child is your responsibility and that technically the 3.5 days he is with his dad is your ‘break’. He’s right that he shouldn’t ‘have’ to look after your DS without you.
However, he is your partner and he should want to spend more time with you both as a family. If he doesn’t, then you both need to think about whether you want the same things. If he doesn’t want the family unit bit then that’s ok, but he can’t continue to string you along.
Also, if he won’t look after your DS, while that is technically ok, I do wonder what will happen if you have kids together. Would he treat your DS differently?

It's one of them op if you hace a man who's all in and I do have one its lovely if he dies t want to that tho it's his right and it is what it is . Ultimately he treats your son well but his boundaries are that he's not responsible for his care or sorting the logistics out of child rearing and he's allowed to do that without negative judgement.

When you say partner - are you married ?

Your partner whether married or not is not your child’s father and they have no responsibility for raising your child.

If you’re a Teaching Assistant and he’s an ER doctor - would it be safe to say they are paying the lions share of finances here ? You do not have a stressful job in comparison to an ER doctor.

I think you’re expectations is that this person assumes the role if the other parent - something which they aren’t going to do. You already have a 50/50 parenting relationship with your ex. I don’t think you know how good you’ve got it here.

I’m married to someone with children and I expect him to get up and take care of his kids - I’ve never assumed that role. I don’t look after them so he can go on weekends away - that absolutely will never happen.

I think you have a very good situation for yourself and throwing all that away potentially by creating issues over this would be incredibly short sighted.

Your partner has a very stressful job the weekend Is his down time you have time for yourself during the week to do whatever you want. It's not your partners responsibility to look after a child who isn't his.

Don't think you're being very fair to DP here. Your kid is at his dad's 50% of the time and you work part time while he works a highly demanding, draining job in the A&E. You have plenty of downtime. He doesn't. You need to step up.

She’s being very criticised when all she really is saying that she feels sad that her partner doesn’t appear to want to spend time with them as a family.
The other stuff that she says has muddy the waters. Ie how many hours she works, et cetera and him not babysitting.
It is understandable to feel sad about that. But the truth is if he wanted to he would

Op- if you did have children with him in the future, there might be a danger that he would favour his own children over your son. Some deep conversations need to be had.

YABU, he isn’t the child’s father, if you wanted him to take on full parenting role you should have discussed that before moving in with him.

Does DP do housework and cooking?