AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

So your ex-husband has your son for 4 nights a week - which is actually more than half the time - while you work part-time.

You only have your son for three nights a week and expect your partner, who works full-time in a stressful job and isn't his father, to look after him while you go out or lie in bed.

Do you actually want to parent your child yourself at all?

You are being so unreasonable it's breathtaking.

This.
He doesn’t want to be any more than a sort of present step parent..
how would it work if you had a kid together??? You would be able to leave ‘his’ child with him but you’d have to take the other? Or would you just end up with both all the time… I expect so

I think being a good step dad isn't the same thing as "playing dad" especially when this child has a dad he spends half the week with.

The OP says Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him and that they do spend some time together at the weekend. And he financially supports them. That sounds like a pretty decent stepdad relationship to me!

No, it's not a parent relationship but is that the yardstick? It certainly doesn't seem to be for women

Er, dont have children with him???

I have read this thread, I find you lazy and unreasonable. You are wanting to do everything not to parent your child.
Remember your partner is seeing all this, and he will realise he can do better than someone who has her child 3 nights a week, works as TA four days a week, and still does not want to parent. I find your attitude alful.
This decent hard working partner will leave you soon, hopefully.

This is MN. No one has a more stressful job than people who work in education.

Yeah the dad seems to have scored gold. His only childcare arrangements are when the child is at school from 9 till 3! Yet presumably he pays no child maintenance since the arrangement is 50/50.
This actually happened in reverse to my male friend. He does every weekend and pretty much ALL school holidays while his ex does weekdays in term time. It’s not at all fair but my friend sticks with the arrangement (even well into the teen years) out of guilt.

Where does the OP specify that she only works part time for four days per week? Sorry if I’ve missed it.

See, I actually think it's the other way around?

I would much rather have my child at the weekends and school holidays than have to get them out the door for school every day, pick them up tired from school, remember all the world book day/bring your teddy to school rubbish. Also the ex will need to cover all sick days/inset days..

I think it depends how much you value having a social life at weekends. Also, having children when they are not in school all day is a hell of a lot more expensive.

Is it? Our wraparound care is £20 a day which is more than I spend at the weekend

This is an odd arrangement, why doesn’t Dad get any weekends? That seems unfair, you should mix it up at least once a month. And as for an A&E doctor wanting to do his own stuff at the weekends, I have no problem with that, you haven’t got a child together and your son needs one to one time with you as he’s only with you three nights a week.

Your agreement with the father is unfair. You never have a weekend off. I'd be looking at that for starters. Presumably you are enabling the father to work, well that's great for him but pretty shit for you.

A very good point! Mind you, the OP herself might not need wraparound as a TA working school hours.

Yes, this came to mind when I read this thread. The childless woman getting shit from her boyfriend for not helping him parent his child at the weekends. The phrase about “getting the lie ins when they had their own child’ stuck out.

I almost hope it isn’t a reverse because I really like to think that woman realised she was being used as childcare and left that prick by now.

Sure but the ex probably does.

I can see arguments both ways for who has the better deal out of the OP and her ex, was all I was trying to say.

I personally would love to have none of the day to day school run grind and all of the fun weekend time with my kids. Especially if I had my mum on tap for babysitting which the OP seems to. Sounds blissful to me!

How often does he go out with friends on the weekend, if it is 'occasionally'?

I think it's been a mistake to move in together without being on the same page regarding step-parenting and it will be confusing for your son 🙁

Why? If you have a child together you should share the load.

I’m try to think back to my relationship with dh. DDs were 4 and 6 when we met and custody was 60/40 to me. We dated for 6m before he met kids and then it was a very gradual build up and he moved in after 2.5 years . I’d say for a good couple years after I did the parenting. I wasn’t keen on my dp (or anyone) imposing rules/discipling so it was very much on my terms . He did babysit one evening a week when I went to college 4 years after we had met. But there was a gradual shift over the years and he did slowly take on more of a parental role. But you both have to be happy with that.

OP your custody arrangements are the problem here as you are doing every weekend, so it feels like you don't ever get a break as you are either working or caring for your own child.

None of this is your DPs responsibility though. Speak to your ex.

The child isn’t his!!!

Maybe read the rest of the thread! Numerous people have explained it for me!!

He isn't a stepdad. He is man who lives in the same house. How else should he treat him? He's drawing a line.

There was a thread less than a month ago about a man who had a stepchild for 10 years and a bio kid with the mum and decided he only wanted to see the bio kid.

That's the path OP is on.

Not wanting to get up with her child is clearly making that distinction and OP having a baby with him and saying "you can do ALL the mornings now!" Isn't the answer.

Likeafish sorry I misqouted The Mother has the child Fri-Monday

The partner has the more stressful job as a Dr in A&E. The Mother will also have the School holidays.

this ^ put better than i could

you cannot expect a man who you barely knowto be doing everything for your child - he isnt his responsibility