AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

I’m laughing at the idea of a part time T/A having anywhere NEAR the stress of an A&E doctor!!! 🙄

It is not his child, the child is fully yours and your Ex responsibility, stop forcing your child who you only have 50% onto another man. I would have thought as you only have your child part time youd want to spend all of that time with him, why have a child and not want to be with him. Your partner is 100% correct and setting boundaries if you don’t like it leave him.

You are DS's mum. He is NOT DS's dad. There is no requirement for him to 'help you' in any way. It would be nice if he wanted to, but he doesn't. He's made his boundaries clear and you need to respect them.

It's not 'unfair' to DS as long as your DP isn't making promises to spend time/do things with DS and then not keeping those promises. If DP is being consistent in his behaviour towards DS, then DS will get used to that. Just be sure you aren't encouraging DS to expect more from DP that DP is going to give.

As far as having children together, I have two things I think you need to think about.

First, you'd need a very frank and honest conversation about what he thinks his role as a father would be. What does he envision as his share of caring for his child and around the house, especially if you also work. If you plan to be a SAHM, does your vision of 'sharing' parenting and home duties align with his?

Secondly and most importantly, how will his behaviour as the father of a mutual child impact on your DS? Will he take his child out and about, spend time with him, participate in school activities, take holidays, pay for clubs/activities/private school, etc etc for his child and not your DS? Now, I'm not saying he has to include DS and treat him equally to this not-yet-existing child. He doesn't. But I'd give serious consideration as to whether or not I'd want to have a child with a man who would treat two children so differently. Again, he has a right to do that. But I wouldn't choose to subject my child to it.

What are you telling me this for?
I neither said nor insinuated he was a cocklodger -
do you know the difference
in partner, husband, tenant, lodger?
Now, the rest of your post with anecdotal ‘evidence’
I don’t have the inclination to unscramble (yacht)

I understand that you are sad that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you and your son at the weekends. But it seems that that is the reality. He sounds fond of your son and is nice to him, but he isn’t his father and doesn’t have the same need to be with you both. You are his girlfriend he is not your sons stepfather.
You are not wrong. And he is not wrong it is just different expectations. It’s probably time for a good chat.

If i was him id be running.
Sorry op but you cant force someone to play daddy when you dont want to do you half of 50/50.

Flip this around OP and then decide if YABU.
Father has son from Friday through till Monday. You work in a very busy, stressful job but get weekends off. DP is expecting you to get up early and only spend your free time with him.and DSS. He also keeps asking you to look after DSS on your weekend off so he can have a break even though his ex has DSS 50% of the time! Oh and DP only works from 9-3pm and has 13 weeks annual leave a year but keeps complaining they're exhausted......🙄

He doesn’t want to be a step dad. How have you been together for so long?

Flip this around OP and then decide if YABU.
Father has son from Friday through till Monday. You work in a very busy, stressful job but get weekends off. DP is expecting you to get up early and only spend your free time with him.and DSS. He also keeps asking you to look after DSS on your weekend off so he can have a break even though his ex has DSS 50% of the time! Oh and DP only works from 9-3pm and has 13 weeks annual leave a year but keeps complaining they're exhausted......🙄

But you chose to have children!!! Don't complain that you never get any free time or a lie in anymore because guess what?! Yep, you can kiss goodbye to that for the next 18yrs.....

I wouldn't have moved him in so quickly, especially with your son being so young. You appear to have different ideas about what this is, and what to expect from each other.

I resent the fact he says he has all this freedom and doesn’t offer to help me.

What do you need help with? He's your kid not your partners and you only have him 50% of the time.

Well obviously you wouldn’t have a child with him if he’s not prepared to parent.

But that said, your DS isn’t his son, so why should he parent?

You could have nights out/early nights/date nights when your son is with his Dad.

But equally, the 50/50 set up with you having your son every weekend isn’t particularly fair, have you considered moving the days around so you also get a weekend off?

And I'm laughing at an A&E doctor not working weekends ?. I can only assume that this is some sort of agency or locum arrangement or not in the UK.

They sure work weekends in the US.

And a young single one with no dependents?

Although she did say he works the occasional weekend and gets admin time later. 😂

Even if he wasn't an A&E doctor I'd be on his side. I'm sure he does spend time with you as a "family".

I always feel so sorry for those stepmums who get stuck parenting a child who is not their own on weekends because the deadbeat dad pressures them into being a nanny with a fanny. I'm sure you're not actually talking about leaving him to it with your ds, but why should he have to spend the weekend parenting?

Yip!

Your job is stressful? Have you ever been to a&e??
He is YOUR DS and so yes your responsibility, it is not his responsibility to give you a break- that would be DS dads responsibility, i think a change in 50/50 routine is needed.
He is right not alot of mums have 50% of their week child free- i actually can’t remember the last time i was childfree since having my first 16years ago 🤔 unless you can count being in hospital giving birth?.

Your son is not his son, he should not have to get up early when you do, nor does he owe you childcare. Your ex has your kid half the week, so you do get plenty of breaks. Your new boyfriend is not your child's new dad.
If you choose to have a child together why would you expect him to get up every day whilst you lie in? Why wouldn't it be 50/50?
Why should be not have free time? You do?

It's lovely your DS gets on so well your DH. But they are not father and son. Your DS has a father who he spends half the week with.

On no scale, anywhere, is a TA the equivalent to an A&E doctor. I'm a teacher (and have been a TA). A TA's job is easier than a teachers. And a teacher's job is easier than an A&E doctor. So I'm sorry, but yes, your DP needs his lie ins. IF your son were his child it would be different. But he isn't.

I'm not sure your relationship is secure enough to have a family though. Neither of you seems to be fully invested in it. You expect too much from your DH. And your DH seems as if he still lives more or less like a single man.

Maybe you should have a go at working full time in A&E, OP.
YABU

What an unkind thing to say and economically naive. If we all decide we prefer freedom over children no-one will be there to pay our pensions - and don't imagine that is just state pensions because it's all pensions including lovely private ones. Someone lower down the age bracket has to work to generate the income to pay them all. So having children is a social duty in a society that wants to keep going.

YABU. He has a point and is entitled to time off during his days off. Not long ago a woman posted a very similar situation where she was the person with no kids and her DH had a child where he was expecting her to be around on the weekends and didn’t like her making her own plans as it was ‘family time’. Everyone advices her to leave them as she isnt unpaid childcare. Why is it different when the man is the one with no child.

Literally no one has children out of “social duty”.

So you think she should have kids with this man, who doesn't want to get up with her child, and expect him to do all the mornings?

You think she should carry on playing family and bring a new child into this?

He has been crystal clear he isn't playing dad. He might get along with her child but it is very apparent he doesn't want a stepdad role, with all the grit if parenting, even if he is very nice to DC.

which means he will either not treat DC the same or do wake ups. Neither of which will make OP happy.

I think OP is being a dick for having a petty strop and saying he will do all wake ups with their child instead of taking a long, hard and critical look at whether a baby is a good idea at all.

fwiw, someone else (childs actual dad) already does half the mornings, so to want another bloke to be around for half of them and reduce her own load to one third is ridiculous, and even more so to think another baby would be a good idea.