AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

He doesn’t rarely join on activities though, OP has said he is involved and engaged with family time and pays a portion of her bills, but occasionally sees friends and won’t get up at 7am.
Very different.

Why are people saying the OP only works part time? Have I missed something? When I was a TA, most of them were paid to start at 8.30 or earlier (I was paid from 8am) and were paid until 3.30 but often stayed later for whatever reason. Obviously different schools have different school times but with a half an hour lunch break if you were lucky, that’s hardly part time! Not 60 hours a week but still not part time in a pretty full on job!
Anyway, back to the point. Firstly, I wouldn’t have moved a partner of two years in yet but secondly, the child is yours, so of course you should be the one getting them up in the morning! You only have them half the week!
I do think it’s a bit shitty that he wants to go off at the weekend but as others have said, he sees you as his girlfriend who happens to have a child and that’s his opportunity to do activities with friends.

Wow Yabu. No one wants to spend their free time with someone else’s 5 year old 2 years in to a relationship

A TA usually works 32.5 hours a week.

Full time is 35-40.

It is part time - it's not very part time but it is part time

Am guessing her boyfriend works substantially more.

I'm sorry but you cannot possibly compare a teaching assistant's possible 'Life and death situations' with an A&E Doctor? You can big up the role of a TA all you want but it doesn't come anywhere near to a Doctor whether working in an A&E ward or elsewhere!
I'm sure your TA job is valuable and not easy but it is unskilled labour compared to years and years of study/exams.
An A&E doctor suffers from burnout really quickly. Unsurprisingly.

Yes, it would be nice for your partner to spend time with you and your son at a weekend. Does this happen at all? Or not as frequently as you'd like? If it's not happening at all, have you raised it with your partner? Absolutely nothing wrong in your partner choosing to spend time with his friends. However, is he spending every weekend, all weekend doing things without you both? To me, that would suggest he's not really very interested in family life. He tolerates your son in small doses but doesn't really want to involve himself any further than that.

The above would then raise a flag....if you were to have a child of your own together, would he still not to want to be involved in family life at weekends?!

I agree that the responsibility of your son is yours. You can't expect your partner to look after your son. It's not his responsibility to get up early. As you're living together, I would expect him to spend some time over an entire weekend with you both though.

You need to figure out how much involvement your partner actually wants, because from what you're saying, it's not much. He doesn't see your set up as a 'family', and he definitely doesn't see himself as a step-Dad. There's nothing wrong in how your partner sees your current set up, but it doesn't align to yours... that's the issue.

When I was in a live-in relationship with someone who didn’t have children, we managed similarly. He would look after my two if I went out in the evening occasionally but 95% of the time they went to my mum’s. He lay in at the weekend while I did swim lessons, football etc. and they went to their dads every other weekend and every Sunday afternoon. We did a few holidays and weekends away as a family unit but I still did all the grunt work as I was their mum. It wasn’t an issue with me, the last thing I wanted was a man who wasn’t their dad getting involved in discipline and rule setting, which, if they’re getting involved in child rearing, is inevitable. He just implemented my rules and routines on the occasions I wasn’t there and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

This.

It wouldn’t your ‘turn’ to have weekend lay ins if you had a child together, it would be shared.

It sadly sounds like he sees your relationship differently to how you do (casual boyfriend vs part of your family)

He isn’t your child’s parent though so you can’t expect him to treat him as any children you would have together in the future.
You should be getting up with your child on the days he’s with you, you have a lie in/free time when your son is with his Dad.
You could ask your ex if you could change the 50/50 slightly so that you aren’t doing every weekend. Most people I know who are separated do a couple of nights in the week and then alternate the weekends.
Your new partner chose to be in a relationship with someone who has a child, they should be kind and enjoy spending time with your child but they shouldn’t be parenting them/not able to go out and enjoy their hobbies and friends. It’s up to you and your child’s other parent to support them emotionally and financially.
I assume as a TA you work term time only, so in school holidays you have 50% of your time to do exactly as you please, which sounds like a lot more freedom than the average parent gets.

I understand wanting some family time and I think he should prioritise some of his time with you and DS, given he has made the choice to live with you (making him more of a family figure, rather than just having a GF with a child).

Nevertheless, it’s unreasonable to be angry at him for having ‘freedom’ and lie-ins. He is not the parent and ultimately anything to do with your son is your responsibility.

My partner is my DS’s stepdad and I never forced any responsibility on him or placed any expectation on him to care for DS. I also had majority custody (bio dad is useless) and worked 50hrs a week in a demanding job- I was tired, but it wasn’t my partner’s fault. In the end my partner voluntarily stepped up and he’s an amazing stepdad and father figure. I imagine if I’d forced that rather than allowing it to develop organically between DS and DP then resentment may have built and it could have ruined the lovely dynamic we now have.

That said, my DP was at a stage in life where he really wanted his own family and he was ready to prioritise family life. In the years previous to meeting me he’d spent time being single, enjoying his friends and having all the freedom he wanted. For some people that is what they want and need from life, but for my partner, like many who hit their early 30s, he wanted to settle down. Your partner isn’t at that stage. Does he want kids of his own?

30 hours term time is pretty part time compared to an average full time role.

TA’s only usually work term times as well which is why it is classed as part time, their pay is annualised so they get paid each month but they only usually work 38 weeks per year.

I don't think he is unreasonable no, although I do think he could look after him while you have the odd night out.

TBH I think the 50/50 arrangement is unreasonable and not working. Your not getting a lie in at the weekend or a night out because for some reason instead of splitting weekends your doing every single one. And how are you working as a TA but get less weekdays with an earlish finish. Most of my friends who are TAs do it to spend more time with their kids on weekdays.

Did you discuss this all before you moved in together?

This has to be rage bait. Nobody could be THAT un self-aware

Completely agree. I’m school based and do 32.5 ish hours, I often work over. DH regularly works 50-60 hours so compared to him I’m definitely part time! I also get 12 weeks school holidays and he only gets 6 so I definitely get the better deal in terms of hours a year!

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!

If you really mean that then you sound ridiculous and taken with the content of your first post, it sounds like you shouldn't have another child with anyone ever. You seem to resent the responsibilities that come with it.

You're being a dick.

I can see both sides. He works hard all week and on the weekends he wants to have a lay in and see his friends, he doesn't want to look after your child. BUT hes in a relationship with you and your son is part of that relationship too. You even live together which should have solidified the relationship, but it hasn't. The fact he doesn't want to act like a family, sharing the lay ins, spending time as a family of 3 just shows that this man doesn't think of your son as not a part of his family and I'd be running out the door. He's also selfish not to let you ever have a lay in on the weekend. Even once in a while. Do not have kids with this man. He's just a lodger who you sleep with.

Reading comprehension here would be superb.

Shes not being a dick. She wants a family dynamic and he clearly doesn't. I wonder why he bothered moving in together at all.

One thing that isn’t helping is that your son is with you all weekend, every weekend, so you and your DP never get a day together, just you and him.

Similarly your DS’s dad gets every weekend off. I’m not sure why you agreed to this pattern, if you never get a day off for yourself or for you and your DP. You work or you look after your DS. That doesn’t seem fair on you.

In any case, the biggest risk with your DP is that you do have a child with him and he very obviously treats his child as more important and special than your son. Better presents, more money, maybe private education. Your DS could end up feeling resentful as a result.

As someone else said, I think your DP sees you as Ms Right Now and not Ms Right. If you do have a child, make sure you’re married to give yourself more legal protection.

Of all the issues in this post and that’s the one you choose to comment on!! 🙄

You can’t expect anyone who isn’t the child’s parents to step up. He didn’t choose to have children yet because he likes to go out and lie in. That’s his choice. You chose to have a baby which means you sacrificed some lie ins and freedom.

Some men who choose to be with a woman with a child will relish the opportunity to support their partner and help and sounds like you need to find a man like that because this man isn’t the man for you if you haven’t such different outlooks

There have been a lot of threads from step mums in this situation, where the actual father of the children is expecting their partners to take on childcare responsibilities, and the answer is always that they are being treated like a 'nanny with a fanny' and should leave. And that is often in longer term or more committed relationships than a boyfriend of two years. Of course you are being unreasonable, your boyfriend is right, you are the parent and you only work part time, and while being a TA is no doubt stressful it doesn't really compare to being a full time A&E doctor.

It seems you have very different expectations from this relationship and perhaps should have discussed this more going in, but no, it's not fair to expect your boyfriend to properly share parenting with you and it's clear that's not what he thought he was signing up for.

this is crackers op!

You have to 100% of get ups now because it’s your child (actually you do 50%, your ex does 50%)

in future you will do 50% and then rent of your next child will do 50%

why are you finding it difficult to understand that you current DP isn’t doing anything wrong .