AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

This is your child not his.
It is your responsibility to parent.
Why would he want to do that?

It's only foolish women on MN who get caught being free childcare for men.

Why does your ex not have his son some weekends?

What made you arrange it the way you have?

You think your BF has too much freedom?

You think your BF should get up when you and your son do for "family time"?

You expect your BF to do childcare so you can go do stuff?

You think you have a more stressful job than your bf, an ER doc?

Your son is your son, not his. Your bf is not your kid's automatic caregiver.

You seem to think your BF should be surgically attached to you and the fact is, you're a gf and he's got a life outside of you he plans to continue. You're not a family. I don't see this relationship lasting, you're very clingy and trying to get him to take on a stepdad role he's obviously not into. He's had to flat out tell you your son is your responsibility to take care of, not his.

Is anyone else just marvelling at the shift pattern for a technically single person with no dependents in which an A&E doctor gets to work no weekends?

And the custody arrangement in which it’s 50/50 but the same person does every weekend?

Something not quite ringing true here.

I don’t expect him to do childcare. I resent the fact he says he has all this freedom and doesn’t offer to help me.

we do live together. Like I said he is involved but he says he “deserves” a lie in at the weekend.

I think it’s unfair to ds who’s excited to spend time with DP and then dp goes out all day and doesn’t get back until around 8 when ds is asleep

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!

He's been quite clear, not his child, not his responsibility. You have half the week child-free to do child-free things.

I think if I was in your situation I would expect my partner who lives with me to behave more like a family unit. He doesn’t think the same way, so make your decisions based upon that. If you have a child with him he is likely to treat your child very differently - or might not bother with the children at all. But he’s not going to change.

DS isn’t his child. Your DP doesn’t have children. I’m sure you enjoyed lie ins before you had kids.

I think what would help here is changing the contact arrangement with your DS’s father. Share the weekends more. Your DS’s father is currently getting all of his weekends child free. That doesn’t sound especially fair.

I’m not sure he’s done anything wrong - you both have different expectations. You want him to be ‘dad’ and he doesn’t want to

if you have kids together you need to consider how that will work for your DS

Dp occasionally works weekends on a rota basis (probably every other month) and those hours get taken off the nexts months rota - eg he won’t work Monday and Tuesday.

50/50 because half the week with his dad, half the week with me. Don’t understand the confusion there

I see your DPs point however I think you need to look at your overall arrangement with your ex. Ideally you should each get a weekend with your child. You would then have every other weekend off and get to see them during the week.

I wouldn't expect my DP to look after my child, he would offer though if I was going out and loves doing stuff with us

You can’t compare having a child together with one that’s nothing to do with him that you have 50% of the week
don’t you get lie in when you don’t have DS

that would piss me off if you said that to me

Why? Maybe the other doctors prefer working weekends to fit their childcare ?

I've seen this exact thread in reverse. The lie ins bit triggered the memory.

OP you're a TA. Is that really so stressful? Your son shouldn't be so attached to this man that he's sad he has a lie in. That's pretty nuts, especially so early in your relationship.

Her DP is not her sons father His father has him 50% time.

Hi op he is basically telling you the kid is yours and nothing to do with him. he might be nice to your ds but he’s not wanting to do family life. I would not carry on with him tbh if you have another child he will show you the difference in the love for his own kid but not for yours. He’s not wanting a blended family. You either accept this or you split up but he’s not playing dad. He doesn’t think you deserve a break.

I am not usually one for men and their VIP jobs, but an A&E Dr must be pretty intense and you are resenting him a lie in and other things.
He has made his feelings clear your son is your son he hasn't been transparent, he has told you he won't babysit, he will go out occasionally with his friends and won't play happy families because you have expectations.

He doesn't see you as a family. Simply his gf has a dc..

But he doesn’t owe you back if you have a child together simply because you have gotten up with your own child now.

You have half the week to yourself, plenty of time to see friends and lie in. Expecting your fairly short term boyfriend to regularly get up with your child so you can have a lie in is weird.

Your own OP literally confirms this is occasional, he does spend time with you, he does spend time with you and your child. He’s allowed to see friends, he is allowed freedom, he isn’t a father or even a step father.

You expect your doctor bf to give up his social life to do stuff with your kid.

You're not getting it. This is a fairly new relationship of only a couple years and you've already moved him in but he's made it quite clear your expectations are not reasonable. He's not going to take care of your son. He's not going to get up early with you. He needs decompression time and that means he's got a social life outside you and your son.

You're not a blended family. You moved a guy in who sees you as his gf who has a son that's not his responsibility, it's yours.

You're Ms Right Now, not Ms Right.

You don't like that he's not playing stepdad with your kid, break up and tell him to leave.

This just makes you sound stroppy and petulant.

He doesn't have to get up with your kid nor does he have to do any childcare. If you go on to have children together then you split it 50/50 between you 🙄he doesn't owe you years of lie-ins because you chose to have a kid.

He doesn’t think you deserve a break.

She has a break 50% of the week, how much more does she need?

You have three evenings and mornings a week where you don't have to parent at all. In the school holidays presumably you have 3 whole days to yourself! I would wager that's more than the average parent. I do think your custody arrangement sucks though. I would want some weekends on and some off as a parent in your situation.

That's separate from your DP, he's within his rights to live as a child free man (why you didn't have this conversation before moving in I'm not sure), and you're within your rights to accept that or not.

If you want some free weekend why can't you swap with his dad, i obviously don't know the ins and outs but can you not arrange it with his dad ?