AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

I think you're being unreasonable. I understand that you would like DPs support because hanging out as a new family is more fun than just on your own and DS. But it's not his child, he made it clear he doesn't want the step dad role and he has an extremely stressful job. I am sure you're tired as a TA but it will not compare to working in A&E for sure. I don't think he should change his position. If you can't accept it maybe you need to look for someone else who is keen to be a stepdad.

I would be cautious about having children with DP though. He clearly isn't a family man so I would not expect this to change with children of his own.

Having DS only Friday to Monday you should be able to cope as a single parent.

She already has a break 50% of the week - how much more time off do you think she needs? 😂

@Mummsymun

You say he contributes financially. How much does he contribute? Is he supporting you financially over and above what a 50% share of living costs would be?

I don't think you want dp to do all the parenting for you but to be supportive. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who isn't supportive and caring about my needs. I imagine you aren't off out every weekend. The fact that he's said he's never going to look after your dc at a weekend just seems petty. I wonder if he'd be the same if you had children together. And for people basically saying you should never go out at the weekend and see friends in the week instead, some people are only available weekends with busy weeknights and adults tend to make weekend plans and events are usually weekends too.

☝This. OP take this onboard.

God you sound lazy.

You already only have your child 50% of the time. You work a school hours job so you have from 3pm onwards on the days your ex has your child to yourself. You have a doctor boyfriend supporting you financially.

And it's too much to wake up with your own child.

I mean of a weekend when he’s there.

Her child's father should be doing that, not her boyfriend.

He has made his feelings clear your son is your son he hasn't been transparent,

Has been transparent, is what i meant

For everyone suggesting he has nothing to do with OP and her son, it’s clear OPs tone has changed since her OP.

He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend
Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us

She’s literally only annoyed he won’t wake at 7 with her son, or babysit her son on the weekend.
He sounds plenty involved in their new family life in general.

He has made his feelings clear your son is your son he hasn't been transparent,

Has been transparent, is what i meant

You're a TA with no childcare responsibilities for half the week. He's an A&E doctor. Are you seriously suggesting you have the more stressful job?!? 😂 Maybe watch "The Pitt".

The kid is yours, not his. How much help do you need when you already only see him half the week?!?

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!

I don't think it would be wise to have children with this man.

It is highly likely that he would treat your son differently from his own kids. Think about what this would mean for your son.

Secondly, I’m not convinced that he sees you as his life partner. You could end up a single mother with 2 or more kids.

This is not the issue of the thread but I think people are underestimating the job of TA. It’s not washing paint pots and reading stories. We’re dealing with children with sometimes severe additional needs, with little or no support, getting regularly hit, kicked and bitten by children, being responsible for their safety and wellbeing including, in my experience, possibly life or death situations. And trying to educate them. All with low pay and status.

But the OP has half the week child free and one child the rest of the time so I’m not really seeing why she would be exhausted and need help at the weekends. I do think the contact should be varied so weekends aren’t always with the same parent.

The boyfriend isn’t responsible but has chosen to partner up with the parent of a young child. It’s like a wealthy person in a relationship with a less well off partner - your lives are different and incompatible unless the richer or child-free person chooses to take the hit and ‘equalise’ themselves with their poorer or child-responsible partner.

Yes it’s 50/50 on paper but your son is with you all day on 2 of your days and at school all of his dad’s days so that’s not fair! The split should be over the weekend so you each get one full day with your child!
If you’re not happy you get no time to yourself then you should be altering the contact pattern first

Yeah YABVU. You parent and work part time.

Sounds like quite a charmed life. He's good with your DC but has boundaries on parenting a DC that's not his and his 2 parents.

This to be either a piss take or a reverse.

I think you and your dp have a different vision about your life together.
As people have already said, you would like him to be more of a stepfather. He thinks his girlfriend has a son and what's more, his father is fully involved.

He gets on well with your son, your son likes him. You're winning already.

If a more intimate and loving relationship is to evolve out of that, it will do so in time. Your dp is fine to see friends and pursue hobbies or have a lie in.
You have a fair amount of free time yourself.

You guys are doing ok.

Your DP is quite right. He’s got a very stressful job and your child is not his responsibility. I’m sure you all spend time together but he should be able to go out and see his friends and get up when he chooses. Your child is not his responsibility. You’ve 3 evenings a week and it sounds like you just want a lie in, might be nice if he did it very occasionally but he’s your partner not your child’s father.

Also I think it’s a rubbish thing to say to someone that if you choose to have a child together he would do all the wake ups? Surely you’d do 50/50 because that would be very petty considering this would be a child you chose to have together, he did not decide to have your son although I’m sure he enjoys being with him.

Assuming your partner treats your child well then you just sound quite silly and resentful.

@Mummsymun DH and I have been together for 35 years and the DC are grown up.

He had/has a surgeon genre job. The DC were ours, he was available on Sarurday mornings. I was responsible for house, family, and had a responsible professional job five days a week. The DC were my responsibility 7 days a week.

We were happy. It worked for us. The benefits:

Beautiful home
Stable relationship
Plenty of money
Private schools

You get out of life what you put into it. DH was under huge stress (loved it) and needed downtime at the weekend, the bits he didn't work.

Ffs. Don’t have kids with him.

Hes absolutely entitled to not want to parent your son. But it does sound like he actually doesn’t want to spend any time with you both as a family unit. If that’s the case, he’s not exactly going to become super dad if you have another one.

If you want another child, find someone else.

Yes, you can be jealous but it is unreasonable to be pissed off at him as he has plenty of time of. He is not the father of your child and doesn't want to be. He is your responsibility. You can't compare this to how he would parent his own child. Some people are happy to take on a stepchild and treat them as their own; he is making it clear that he doesn't want this. Decide if this is good enough for you. Ask if he will feel differently if you were married and how he would plan to parent any child you would have between you.

I think your partner has no obligation to change his life around your child and you should have probably discussed this much more before you moved in together. If you’re picturing a different setup you’ll need a different man.

I also think it’s worth reviewing your parenting arrangement with your ex as this doesn’t seem ideal for either of you.

Honestly though, working part time and parenting part time is a ‘lot’ of free time - much more than most people would have in their lives. So maybe you just need to adjust around a bit. Seems odd that you wouldn’t have your child during the week at all when you work school hours anyway.

Who does your son stay with on a Monday night? Do you and your child’s father alternate this so it works out 50/50?

I think you are looking for a level of commitment from your partner that he does not want to give - you want him to act like you are a family rather than your live in boyfriend and this is causing you some hurt and disappointment. I would expect you to do the bulk of caring for your son when you have him but understand why it could be hurtful if he says he would never step in if you have something on or if he never or rarely wants to join in with family activities. Your partner isn’t obligated but it sounds like he could compromise a little. Perhaps you can work it out or you may realise that you are incompatible.

He doesn’t see himself as a family man / father figure to your son
That is unlikely to change
You either accept that or move on
i would not have moved in with him