AIBU to expect my partner to share weekend family time and childcare?

[Mummsymun]

DP and I have been together 2 years. I have a 5 year old son. Dp is lovely with DS, and DS loves him. Ds still sees his dad 50% of the week. He is usually with him Tuesday - Friday and then with me Friday to Monday.

I work in a school as a TA which is quite stressful. DP is a doctor in A&E but is off every weekend.

I’m being to become upset with how much freedom DP is telling me he has. He organises occasional days out with his friends at the weekend (when ds is here) and never wakes up in the morning. He usually lies in til about 10 even though I’ve been up with ds since 7. He claims he’s tired and he’s entitled to lie in. Which I do understand but as part of the family shouldn’t be want to spend time with us?

He’s going out today to see his friend. He got up at 930 and will be leaving at 11. I’m just so sad that he seems to want to do stuff without us at the weekend.

When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds. Dp contributed financially and will spend days out with us but has said he won’t look after ds if I want to go out at the weekend (I have to leave him with my mum)

He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break”.

Aibu to think he should at least get up with us and spend time with us as a family?

I'm picking a reverse. The weekend custody usually goes to farher.

Well no, it's an entirely different situation. You look after your child more than 5 days out of 7. The OP has her son 3.5 days out of 7, works PT (taking school holidays into account) and doesn't mention anything about additional stressors. I mean, anybody can feel tired under any circumstances, but from what the OP had said, her life doesn't sound particularly onerous.

Interesting.

So unreasonable it's got to be a reverse.

If anything, fix the contact days you have with your ex. 1 week on, 1 week off would work better so you both get a weekend off.

This!

why don’t you arrange alternative weekends?

I think she is being a dick.

She has her son half the week so does have child free time, but is pushing her bf to act as a stepdad and he's pushed back telling her her son is her responsibility. She's trying to get him to give up doing stuff with friends on the weekends. They have 2 very different views of this relationship and OP is coming off entitled.

She wants them to be a family and for him to spend all his off time with them including getting up early on weekends and caring for her don instead of her mom.

He sees her as his gf who has a son.

Very, very different views and she's just going to push him away trying to control when he gets up and how he spends his free time and that wouldn't be a bad thing.

I think it’s fair enough he wants the weekend off actually, especially as you already have another parent doing 50%.

If the genders were reversed people would say you were looking for a manny with a cock.

Though of course if you are not feeling the situation, you are free to leave.

You are both being unreasonable, to have moved in together without a clear understanding of what the dynamics should be.

I would never move my DC in with someone unless the plan was for them to be a full part of the family - if they weren’t up for that then they wouldn’t be the right person for me.

Likewise, I’d only live with a man who had a child if I was prepared to be part of a family.

You and he have different views on what living together involves.

Bloody hell OP if I was him I'd be gone faster than a fart in the wind. If he's reading this here's my advice RUN!!!

It’s not his child though? And you get half of the week ‘off’. I see his point tbh.

If you were the father and your partner was the gf - you'd be accused of wanting a nanny with a fanny. Your partner is perfectly entitled to lie in and see friends and not babysit your child. He's right. He also has a stressful job and deserves the downtime. He didnt choose to have a child, you did. He's setting boundaries and that's allowed. It might be best to switch up your weekends though. And if you were both wanting children one day then you might want to consider how ds would fit into this...

YABU. Your partner is not a father. And he isn’t interested in being one it sounds like.
You work as a TA and only have your child 50% of their time- so you have lots of time to yourself already.

Is this a joke? Op, unless there is some part of you which is utterly wonderful, and can make up for your insane expectations, i would have ended the relationship with you when you said that.

Because you have a shit deal. A really shit deal. Go back to your ex and sort this out. Why does he have no weekends are you have them all? You need a fairer balance of 50/50. also who has the kid on a Monday night? Is that alternated? Because if it is always you, it isnt 50/50.

I’ve told him if we have children I’ll be having lie ins and he can do all the get ups like I’ve been doing now!
You will be doing everything because he sees it as your role and as he has a big-job he deserves and is entitled to lie-ins. He also will not share the load in the nights as his big-job means it could risk lives if he doesn't get a full 8 hours undisturbed sleep. His language I dont like. But I do think you are unreasonable thinking be should do childcare at weekends. But I do not think you are unreasonable to want family days out with a man who chose to move in with a mother and child.

Do not have children without marriage either.

Whose house do you all live in?

You are a mum who works part time and only has their child 50% of the time. Of course you should be doing 100% of the childcare and of course your partner (who isn’t the dad) doesn’t need to help. What are you smoking that you think you’re even remotely being reasonable?

Why doesn't your son ever see his dad on a weekend that's unusual. What does he do for work as he free Tuesday - Friday .

Childcare IS your and the dad's responsibility. You already have that divided up equally in terms of time (although many find that shared custody works more equitably if you alternate weekends vs weekdays since weekends tend to be more "leisure time" vs school routine but also more hands on - maybe something to consider changing around). A live-in partner might watch the children if the parent needed to go out, but it shouldn't be assumed or expected.

Your partner is a big part of the child's life; you see the three of you as a "family". I'd have a conversation with partner about spending time together as a family because it seems like the two of you have different ideas of how much family time there will be. That discrepancy may result in disappointment for your child if his expectations are built up and not met. But I wouldn't focus on the fact that your partner has time to see his friends and go out, just say you and your son miss spending structured time with him and want to see him more and suggest some family outings or projects. He can figure out how to juggle his time.

I'd also be concerned about how your partner speaks to you. When I tell him I’m tired he says that I’m a mum and it’s my responsibility to look after ds seems kind of reductive and maybe misogynist; can he not sympathise with your being tired without lecturing you on motherhood, which he has not even ever experienced? He says my “break” is 50% of the week when ds isn’t here and that other mums don’t get this “break” sounds prescriptive and normative and maybe suggests weird ideas about families and gender roles. Some single mums and some single dads indeed don't get much of a break especially if they don't have extended family or reliable paid childcare, but that's a specific situation and there's no reason for you to feel guilty about it. It's kind of "eat your beans because there are starving children in Gaza", not really what you'd say to an equal partner. Be mindful of the quality of the relationship and whether this is a good, respectful, compatible, and equal partner for you, not just his relationship with your son.

You're not a family - you're not married, and your child isn't his child.

Every time this story gets told from the other side ("my male partner has a child who isn't mine and expects me to act like I'm the parent") the woman gets told to ditch the loser.

You get half the week child-free AND your boyfriend is financially subsidising you? Seems like you're pretty fortunate. What's stopping you seeing friends / having alone time when ds is with his father?

Even if you married this guy and had kids with him (and for the love of God don't have kids without being married, plus joint ownership of the house), I don't think anything will change. With such a big income disparity, he will always have all the power. It'll always just be "Sorry, got work, bye, even if you have work too, any childcare issues are your problem". Doctors often do think that their job being "important" and the stress etc entitles them to just shrug off any other demands. (Well, male doctors).

He's made his position clear; you need to decide what to do about it.

He says your break is 50% of the week, does that mean your dp does all the cooking and cleaning on those days?

Even without a child in the mix, my
boyfriend sleeping in until 10am on our joint days off every weekend would annoy me. That‘s the morning gone after getting dressed and having breakfast. Add into that a boyfriend who didn't want to spend any time with me on those days and I wouldn't continue to date him.

It has only been two years and you already live together and have seemingly stopped spending any quality time together.

Im a TA myself and I really don’t think you can call it stressful in the same breath as an a&e Dr. 😅 I’d be well refreshed by the weekend if I didn’t have my dc to look after on top for most of the week. I’d also be keen to spend 1:1 time with dc when they’d been awaymost of the week. The fact he joins in with family stuff sometimes is fine surely? He’s definitely entitled to a lie in and to meet friends and shouldn’t feel responsible for your ds when he has a father who is doing so 50% of the week. Maybe you need to look at a different parenting split to give you some weekends?

Sorry but if the child’s ACTUAL father is getting his weekends free, I don’t bloody blame your partner for having the attitude that he does!!

Literally read the posts though, they do many ‘family’ activities together and he only occasionally plans a day with his friend!

So your son’s dad never has him at the weekend ? This is the issue you want to address !

I suggest DP leaves you as you are far too needy and clingy.

The child is not his, you don't work full time, you have the child only half the week.

No idea why youre tired. Get your bloods checked.

No idea why youre so needy, see a Counsellor

He's your boyfriend of two years and not the father of your child - you're essentially not a family. It does sound like you expect him to behave, and take on the responsibilities, of a husband and father.

It might be worth it to consider if you have a future when he is clearly not interested in taking on your son. He just wants you. If you are okay with that, and feel that your son already has a father and doesn't need someone else to step in and take on that role, then great. If not, then this guy might just not be for you.