AIBU to be cross about school dismissing my daughter's severe periods?

[Meetmeinlove]

My DD 14 has horrendous periods- I suspect she might have PMDD which I also have. Her mood is terrible in the run up, can barely move for the first day, often throws up, is doubled over with cramps and it also often triggers migraines too. She often can’t get out of bed for a day- and this is with ibuprofen and paracetemol together.

It’s virtually impossible to get her to school- I have tried but she’s often too unwell. Last month she also leaked through her clothes and we had to pick her up as she was so distressed and embarrassed.

The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

I would add that the medical team at school have also not been helpful at all and have at times refused to give her ibuprofen even with my permission. It all feels ridiculous. I think the way they have handled it has made her less keen to go in when she has her period as they handled the leak issue terribly and she was hysterical when we collected her. (They were very unsympathetic and wouldn’t let her ring home etc- tried to send her back to class and get her to wear someone else’s
clothes that didn’t fit properly- it just made things worse)

I think it’s probably PMDD- I have had it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed until much later for me - it’s been awful though and does need careful management particularly around mood. I have had suicidal ideation with it and don’t want my DD to go through that too.

Aibu to be cross at the schools stance though- I will have to get a proper doctors note I think but I think my annoyance comes from the general ‘take an ibuprofen and get on with it’ dismissive attitude when DD is genuinely unwell with it and I have explained this to them on multiple occasions.

Unfortunately the medical profession has a long history of dismissing women's pain. A GP told my dsis she 'just had period pain' when she was 19. Turned out it was pelvic inflammatory disease and she ended up with one ovary removed and both fallopian tubes damaged which rendered her unable to conceive naturally. This is why when it comes to women's health, I take medical advice with a pinch of salt.

I'm pleased you'll be going back to your GP now, and I agree that the school are handling it very badly. As I said, their handling of the leaking incident could very well have made things worse for your dd - it's no wonder she's no longer going in when she has her period. I wouldnt be making her either, for the time being until she's getting medical intervention.

Your daughter needs a proper diagnosis.

I had horrendously painful and heavy periods from 14, even fainting at school once.

I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis as an adult after getting no support from my parents, my school and healthcare professionals for years so please take your daughter to a doctor and don't be fobbed off by anyone...

Let's hope it was really in her best interests

Get her back to the GP @Meetmeinlove and don't be afraid of being a bit of a nuisance about this. Women and girls are often fobbed off, you need to advocate for her. Good luck.

In the meantime, have you bought her some period knickers? They are fantastic and will likely catch any leaking so that takes that worry away when she is heavy and at school. We swear by them in this house.

Have you tried to get a GP appointment? Have waited months on end for a referral?

The school are handling it very poorly, you need to go down the complaints route.

Please start advocating for your daughter, no school or GP should be so dismissive of such severe symptoms - you sound very passive and are teaching your daughter to be the same, stand up for her and teach her how to do the same. She needs to have a say in what medications she wants to try, it’s her life being affected.

My mum was pretty unhelpful when it came to my severe period pain and I’m still angry about it 35 years on, turns out I didn’t need to suffer like I did.

You shouldn’t have to, but sadly sometimes being a nuisance and not giving up are the only ways to get meaningful action and ensure your daughter doesn’t suffer unnecessarily.

We have been through similar with my daughter. She is 15. The first couple of days are the worst for her where she has excruciating pain, really heavy bleeding, feeling/being sick, not able to move/eat. She also had awful moods etc. It’s awful to witness, I feel so sorry for her. The school haven’t been too bad, we’ve had a bit of backlash about attendance and I have had to put my foot down and back my daughter as she literally could not go in for the first day or two, no matter what anyone said.
We tried our GP to start with. We were given Mefenamic acid to try, which was ineffective. They then tried a mini pill which was horrific and made her depressed and anxious (did help bleeding but obviously the other side effects didn’t make this a viable long term option). We went back to the GP who prescribed something else which didn’t work. I felt like they didn’t really listen or were very interested tbh so we found a private GP who specialises in women’s health. She was fab, she asked loads of questions and genuinely seemed to want to help. We first tried a pill called Qlaira. This was really starting to help with the bleeding but caused my daughter to develop acne. Even though the bleeding and pain was better the acne cause more anxiety for my daughter so the private dr has now put her on the Lucette pill. We’ve decided the priority for my daughter is to (for now) just stop the periods. She takes the pill constantly and only has a small 4 day break if there is a breakthrough bleed (this has happened once). This has been life changing. The acne (with a gel to help) has cleared, her attendance has improved, she is more confident and going out with her friends again.
It’s à long time to find something that works, but there are more options available than I realised. I really hope you can find something to help your daughter. I found it shocking, the number of people who still seem to think it’s ’just a period’.

We've had massive campaigns for understanding the menopause in the workplace - including in schools.

We have just had a massive campaign for awareness about how endo and gyny problems generally are not taken seriously by doctors and they take years and years for proper diagnosis. The average being 7 years I believe.

And yet we still have this shit show attitude to periods in schools because schools are obsessed with attendance levels and nothing else matters.

It's bullshit and I'd be telling the school exactly this and saying they are demonstrating institutional level sexism.

It is an option. I am on it for it. It’s saved my sanity. Took a long time to find the right one but now my symptoms are zero.

It was. She managed to toilet train once her anxiety was reduced. Better than being utterly distressed at the idea of using a toilet and still being in nappies at 4.5yo. Nightmares and night terrors stopped. She started to be relaxed. She could enjoy life. She’s now on a different one and we’ve just had another one added in by her paediatrician. That’s along with her ADHD meds and OCP, plus twice daily antihistamines recommended by a dermatologist, and three vitamin supplements to help make up for her limited diet.

Guess she rattles. A happy healthy functional rattle. Rattle on I say.

How old is she?

Can I ask how? Genuine question. Dd has autism with associated anxiety and has been unable to attend school now for 7 months. At one point, she wasn't even leaving the house. We've done multiple anxiety workshops, talking therapy, one to one CBT and other interventions with her and still nobody is willing to even consider anxiety meds just to temporarily help her get to the point where she can re-engage with education.

Why are we happy with ADHD meds as a rule but not other meds for kids?

My dd is similar and diagnosed with pcos in her early twenties. She has since got a myoovi period pain device, bit like a tens machine and found it really helpful for controlling the pain enough to function on bad days.

Some great advice above.
Tranexamic acids great for heavy periods...i had the same issue.
Get them to get her some.ibprofen or take her own.
Who the hell are they to say about individuals periods.as mine were hell at her age.
Good on you, schools now days are pathetic about sickness..illness.

And she's been on these 12 years, throughout puberty and everything?

It was HRT that finally sorted me out and it’s not perfect either but better.

i might consider it later down the line for my daughter when we better understand what’s going on but given my experience -and some of the stories on here- I am not going to jump to medicate without proper diagnosis and understanding as I know how much worse it can also make things from personal experience.

Are we happy with all kids with ADHD being medicated? I'm not. I think some kids might need it. Not anyone with a ADHD diagnosis.

She’s 14, she needs to be in school it’s an important age.

period pants solved my leaking issues. I wear them as well as super tampon and pads but they mean never had a leak

she should be taking her own painkillers with her. Put them in with her pads etc in a zipper pocket of her bag where they won’t find them, with a note, and make sure she knows what time to take what - before it’s at it’s worst

pack spare clothes for that day

see if anything else the doctor can offer

at this age you need to be teaching her to do what she needs to do to be in school / work during periods as can’t have that week off forever, and teaching her to seek help when things don’t feel right, standing her ground a bit if it doesnt feel right

Is that because the research proving they work is patchy at best and the side effects can be devastating?

DD was diagnosed with ASD and anxiety at 4yo and ADHD at 6yo. Her anxiety was obvious to her developmental paediatrician during the diagnosis appointments. We were absolutely struggling with her anxiety and the impact of it. He suggested a trial of meds. We gratefully accepted. She took Lovan (Prozac). We started her on a very small dose and worked up to the most effective dose within the limits set by the paed. Night and day difference. We had our little girl back.

Do you realise they di bag searches and feel that medication is not allowed to be carried by students? Your "note" is irrelevant. And if it is one of those abusive academies, they will know she carried medication to alleviate these symptoms and make a point of searching her for it.

Were these NHS doctors? Or privately accessed?

I would suggest taking her to a gynaecologist who specialises in adolescents. You will probably need to pay as we all know the NHS doesn't take women's health seriously, never mind girls!

I wish my mum had done this. I.ended up infertile from endometriosis by my early 30s.