AIBU to be cross about school dismissing my daughter's severe periods?

[Meetmeinlove]

My DD 14 has horrendous periods- I suspect she might have PMDD which I also have. Her mood is terrible in the run up, can barely move for the first day, often throws up, is doubled over with cramps and it also often triggers migraines too. She often can’t get out of bed for a day- and this is with ibuprofen and paracetemol together.

It’s virtually impossible to get her to school- I have tried but she’s often too unwell. Last month she also leaked through her clothes and we had to pick her up as she was so distressed and embarrassed.

The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

I would add that the medical team at school have also not been helpful at all and have at times refused to give her ibuprofen even with my permission. It all feels ridiculous. I think the way they have handled it has made her less keen to go in when she has her period as they handled the leak issue terribly and she was hysterical when we collected her. (They were very unsympathetic and wouldn’t let her ring home etc- tried to send her back to class and get her to wear someone else’s
clothes that didn’t fit properly- it just made things worse)

I think it’s probably PMDD- I have had it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed until much later for me - it’s been awful though and does need careful management particularly around mood. I have had suicidal ideation with it and don’t want my DD to go through that too.

Aibu to be cross at the schools stance though- I will have to get a proper doctors note I think but I think my annoyance comes from the general ‘take an ibuprofen and get on with it’ dismissive attitude when DD is genuinely unwell with it and I have explained this to them on multiple occasions.

Sounds very similar to DD. I was offered sertraline but have never taken it - weirdly I have never been offered transeamic acid-‘it’s never been mentioned to me.

Am going to take her next week again - I feel like it’s got worse since we last spoke to doc.

Feel for your DD op. I’m lucky my school didn’t mind about taking meds and were ok to send me to sick bay.

I was prescribed mefanemic acid and also, one of my dad’sn girlfriends introduced me to Feminax which has codeine in it.

I went on the combined pill age 21 and never had pain since.

Why doesn't she have her own nurofen on her so she can take take it when she needs it?

Your poor dd. I get awful flooding with my periods. Not much pain now I'm older thank goodness (although they were really painful before I had children). I always get anaemia too so feel dizzy and tired etc. Period pants worn with a heavy duty pad and huge tampon changed every 45 minutes will usually be enough to prevent me leaking. Tranexamic acid stops the anaemia and means I can make it 2 hours between pad/tampon changes.

There are so many different types of pills. The pill is a very standard treatment for PMDD with a decent enough success rate that it’s worth starting to trial some of the better ones. The fact they don’t work for you shouldn’t block starting to work through the options for your DD. I can’t imagine just being passive when she is clearly suffering a lot. If the pill doesn’t work, the bleeding/pain can be managed with better medications, and an antidepressant can be used for the mood aspect. There are so many options but you have to advocate for her!
There is also quite a significant correlation between PMDD and neurodiversity apparently. I have PMDD and ADHD, so when the perimenopause specialist told me that, I wasn’t surprised. It’s worth considering if it’s a factor for your DD too

She pops 2 tablets into the same bag she keeps her tampons or towels in - they won’t notice them.

Tranexamic acid is for heavy periods. It won’t help with the other symptoms she gets.

Am not trying to be passive but she’s only just 14 and I don’t nescessarily want her straight on antidepressants and the pill - we have tried to take a bit of a watch and see approach as shes so young- full on meds at a young age come with their own issues.
Obviously I am going to take her back to the docs.

I’m so sorry. There is a chance she has endometriosis but I would push your GP for a referral to a specialist. The school is being outrageous but sign off from a specialist may help xx

That's awful. Even back in the 1980s my school dealt with my painful periods plus fainting and vomiting, better than this.

I agree about doctor again, soon. I went on the pill after trying a few other things and it was life changing for me.

💐 for your daughter from a fellow sufferer, now aged 51!

But you are being passive! This is affecting her education, a critical part of childhood and you appear to be doing nothing other than complaining about the school. The school are correct to question it when you don't have any formal acknowledgement from a medical professional. You're sending them mixed messages - your daughter is so unwell she can't attend school but you've done very little about it! Get her to a doctor and fight for them to do something.

The ‘medical room’ in a lot of schools is often a couple of chairs in a corridor manned by overstretched office staff doing several different jobs.
I’ve often encountered students at 8.31am complaining of feeling ill. When questioned they say a parent sent them in to ‘give it a go and speak to the school nurse’. The days are long gone when the average school could afford to employ a dedicated school nurse. Get your daughter to the gp to get an official diagnosis then speak to the school about getting a care plan in place for the times when your daughter is struggling.
Meanwhile, check the school policy re carrying a small amount of medication for personal use (one dose to take in the middle of the school day). I find it hard to believe that the average school has the resources to carry out routine bag searches for no apparent reason.

So you don’t want her on meds from 14 but you’re happy for her to miss school monthly?

Take her to a decent doctor and get her on the Pill. The new generation of OCPs are so much better than the old ones. My DD went on the Pill at about 12yo. She had awful period pain and heavy periods and was needing multiple pain relief medications and time off school. The Pill fixed all of that. She takes Slinda. It’s a mini Pill. Her period is now a mere annoyance instead of an ordeal.

Your DD is not you. Let her try the OCP and antidepressants. Currently her period situation sounds miserable and the treatment by the school is awful. No need for her to suffer.

I really feel for your daughter. I started getting horrific period pains at 13. I would be screaming in pain, had to sit in a warm bath for hours as it was the only thing that helped. I ended up in an ambulance needing gas and air, the paramedics left the canister with me at hospital. Mefenamic acid 500mg, self adhesive heat pads, hot water bottle and baths helped. Try and get the gp to prescribe Mefenamic acid or something similar. They should also refer for an ultrasound and to the gynecologist. Period pain is often dismissed as something to be expected and to be put up with. But I know how debilitating it is. On a positive note, mine did start to improve about age 22 and now at 30 they are still there but completely manageable with medication.
Tell school they must make reasonable adjustments for health care needs. This is not optional. Suggest they offer virtual lessons during the worst days

My son had an abscess on his tooth that made his whole face swell up and he was literally banging his head off the desk in pain and they wouldn’t let him go down to reception to get some prescription pain relief. He had to sit there with tears streaming down his face in fucking English literature.
Hardly something that’s going to change the world with his increased knowledge of the subject
Schools are being run like a young offenders unit at the moment with children being prepared for what I don’t know given that every person I know with a decent job is working from home in their flip-flops and their pants
Anybody would think they’re being prepared for some reality that might be a little bit more harsh, but it’s certainly not the world of work

Teacher here. Our hands are really tied unless we have information from a medical professional. We can't make a diagnosis ourselves. In terms of pain relief, this does really need to be administered by an adult, mostly because doses need to be logged.

The gap here appears to be the medical care (not the education) your daughter is receiving. As someone who had terrible PMS (out the other side of menopause now) and whose daughter has PMDD, you need to advocate for your daughter and not expect the school to pick up the pieces.

I had horrendous and very close together (sometimes 10 days a part) periods when I was 14. I went on the pill when I was possibly 15 and it helped so much.

I don’t agree with lots of pp about her not missing school when she is on her period as some girls/women do suffer really badly. I do believe you should be pushing the dr more and think the school would have to accept a diagnosis

And yet schools considered themselves to be medical experts when it comes to bring them in to see how they get on when parents are phoning up to say that the children will not be attending in the morning.

Can’t have it both ways

Go back to the GP (and again and again if needed). You will need to advocate properly for your daughter. Don’t get too hung up on the diagnosis because it may need a gynaecologist, but get proper pain relief sorted pronto.

To me this sounds like endometriosis…..

ETA and the school are being truly shit too. You will need to get really serious here too. I would be furious with their attitude.

So you want the school to fix it all?

I disagree. The solution isn't to make the child suffer, it's to all start campaigning for the education system to adapt and recognise that some children really cannot always attend school. Whether it is periods or chronic health conditions, really the Public Sector Equality Duty means that DfE and schools should be finding ways to ensure that those who cannot always attend school do not suffer educationally

This could be recording lessons, or allow children to attend online in pre agreed circumstances.

People who insist girls can just power through have clearly never experienced truly unbearable periods. Mine used to leave me bloated that I couldn't cope with anything tight fitting round my waist. And gave me awful diarrhoea. I had a friend whose periods made her vomit.

Girls shouldn't be being asked to tolerate immense discomfort so as not to miss out on their education. The education system should be asked to adapt for all those who for whatever reason physically cannot always be in school

She wants them to accommodate it, which is not unreasonable
And as I made the point earlier even when they do have prescribed pain relief, the schools are arseholes about it
This is not a unique scenario being encountered by one person

In that kind of situation I have made it clear to my teens that they would simply need to defy the teacher. The teacher isn't their captor. They can't physically block them.

I know the teacher was absolutely in the wrong but we do also need to teach our children that sometimes it's ok to standup to authority when it is being exercised unacceptably.

Tell school they must make reasonable adjustments for health care needs. This is not optional. Suggest they offer virtual lessons during the worst days.

The school will need to have evidence of those healthcare needs. Unless a parent is medically trained, they can't possibly say what those needs are or what adjustments should be made. All a parent can do without any medical evidence at all is express their opinion. A school is able to decide whether or not they should take that opinion (something without evidence) into account.

In terms of virtual lessons, are you suggesting that in a 5 period day, once each of those teachers receives a notification the pupil won't be in, that they should replan the lesson for the absent student, support with slides, get the technology set up, and not teach the rest of the class adequately so that they can service the virtual lesson? When are they going to do this? During registration? As we're teaching lesson 1? Clearly, this isn't viable. If there's a need for virtual learning, this need should be assessed by the local authority and then the resources should be provided. Once again, the local authority will only assess with medical evidence.