AIBU to be cross about school dismissing my daughter's severe periods?

[Meetmeinlove]

My DD 14 has horrendous periods- I suspect she might have PMDD which I also have. Her mood is terrible in the run up, can barely move for the first day, often throws up, is doubled over with cramps and it also often triggers migraines too. She often can’t get out of bed for a day- and this is with ibuprofen and paracetemol together.

It’s virtually impossible to get her to school- I have tried but she’s often too unwell. Last month she also leaked through her clothes and we had to pick her up as she was so distressed and embarrassed.

The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

I would add that the medical team at school have also not been helpful at all and have at times refused to give her ibuprofen even with my permission. It all feels ridiculous. I think the way they have handled it has made her less keen to go in when she has her period as they handled the leak issue terribly and she was hysterical when we collected her. (They were very unsympathetic and wouldn’t let her ring home etc- tried to send her back to class and get her to wear someone else’s
clothes that didn’t fit properly- it just made things worse)

I think it’s probably PMDD- I have had it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed until much later for me - it’s been awful though and does need careful management particularly around mood. I have had suicidal ideation with it and don’t want my DD to go through that too.

Aibu to be cross at the schools stance though- I will have to get a proper doctors note I think but I think my annoyance comes from the general ‘take an ibuprofen and get on with it’ dismissive attitude when DD is genuinely unwell with it and I have explained this to them on multiple occasions.

You do understand there are implications from being on medication from such a young age? Why drug a child when it’s not necessary? A few days off school a month is nothing - I should know, I did it.

In most cases you are right. But, in some many, parents are not able to make appropriate choices regarding their child.

Besides, as I've already said, schools are governed by the law not what parents think should happen.

I do want to clarify though, attendance is important but that's because poor attendance doesn't just have an impact on education but it's also a major factor in safeguarding. Sadly, a lot of children are most at risk at home with their parents.

There's a reason why, during lockdown, the only statutory responsibility schools had was maintaining contact and speaking directly with a child frequently and regularly. And, where that couldn't happen, yes, it was recorded as a safeguaridng concern.

And, yes, failing to seek medical care for an ongoing condition is also a safeguarding concern. It falls under neglect. That also wasn't decided by teachers.

I had awful periods as a child (throwing up, bleeding through etc). I went on the pill for this and it massively helped- could this be a consideration?

You can get same day appointments with your GP, please contact them next week and push this forward. Don't wait for the appointment they'll give you in 2 months time, this is an urgent medical matter.
I understand your reluctance to put DD on the pill to be fair OP, and it can make periods and mood worse if you don't get the right one then the GP might not switch it straight away to 'give it chance to settle'.
But there are other medications that can help with the bleeding and the pain that your DD desperately needs. Her periods won't stop being a problem when she leaves school and once I got a job at 16 I found myself quickly on the receiving end of a warning over my calling in sick once a month with period problems! But back then there wasn't as many medication options until I'd had a laproscopy.
Does she have IBS symptoms at all? Mine seemed to coincide, and pregnancy (obviously not an option for your DD!) seemed to improve the IBS which in turn improved my periods.
Cocodomol is now in a mixture of over the counter medicines, Anadin extra is better than standard paracetamol (tried and tested) Feminax was my best friend through my late teens.
I also found if I used a strong painkiller at the first sign of pain, I then topped up with ibuprofen and paracetamol after that and could keep the pain at a manageable level. I was on my own with pain management though I just figured it out through trial and error.

Tell the GP that school won't allow any painkillers without medical clearance so can they please provide something so she can access medication during the day. I'd also push for a referral to gyno for further investigations as she'll be waiting a long time anyway.

OP I was your daughter once but it got worse for me when I started working in my very early 20’s and I was convinced it was going to cost me my job. That was, until a member of HR found me slumped in the toilets and had to take me home!!

Very kindly, I wonder if you’re projecting your own lived experience here with PMDD and suicidal ideation. Your daughter could be experiencing something completely different and I agree with others just keep going back to the GP. Some trial and error worked for me in the end, my golden combo was the mini pill and naproxen which honestly changed my life. No more throwing up no more pain. There are things out there that they can try!

It's interesting that that was a statutory duty because the only contact we had with my children's school between April and September in that first year was a weekly newsletter telling us what fun the teachers were having baking and playing games with their own children. Noone once got in touch with us.

Goimg onto antidepressants and the pill are huge steps. Nobody should put their teen on SSRIs unless it is a last resort. I think some larents are way too casual with medication and teenagers. I had a kid stay round recently, she's 15 and on all types of supplements and had a load of creams and stuff too. It was really weird. None of them were SSRIs, but more like this "well woman" type stuff. That's got her used to the idea that you need to "take stuff" to be "well" because our bodies are faulty as they are.

Because it is necessary nobody should have to suffer like this and miss significant chunks of their education

Endometriosis isn't just periods is it though?

Most period pain can be treated with ibuprofen.

Endometriosis is a medical condition. Having periods is not.

The biggest issue around this is the lack of research and funding in the medical profession around women's health care. This means GPs don't recognise the signs, diagnosis is often late and treatment is patchy.

(And, in case anyone isn't sure, that's not the responsibility of schools either!)

My dd went in the pill because being incapacitated in that way monthly when she had exams coming up wasn't worth it.

But anyone with an ounce of common sense will understand that its more then just normal periods op dd is struggling with. Surely you don't think all teachers are that stupid that they wouldn't understand this.

Theres a tonne of research about how damaging it can be. Annedotally two of my best friends since childhood both went on the pill, both are now unable to conceive naturally. Another one had a stroke. Coincidence? Maybe. Given how damaging the pill left other drugs are for so many people, I wouldn’t ever do that to a child. Not when there are other options.

I missed multiple days off school a month due to my periods. And at uni. And at work. I still got a first, and have a man excellent job. School is not the best all and end all. And a person of average intelligence can still thrive and have an excellent career having missed lots of school.

There are lots of valid reasons for parents not to want to drug their children or put them on any sort of tablet that affects their hormones. No one should be criticising anyone for that.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Yes, they emailed through presentations and work, but no specific direct contact.

Op, not the same thing, but I went on the pill around your dd's age for extremely bad acne. It was causing me huge distress because I was getting bullied about it. The pill was great for me, because my periods were previously so irregular and unpredictable (I discovered as an adult that I have pcos). It settled my hormones down, helped clear up the acne and had a positive effect on my periods too. No side effects.

I wouldn't be sending my dd into school if she was struggling as badly as your dd is, and I think they handled the situation with your dd leaking very badly. That kind of distressing experience would likely have triggered school avoidance with my own dd (who has autism). But you really need to advocate for her to receive appropriate medical care. It's not acceptable for the GP to do nothing when it is impacting your dd's education, and life, so much.

Can I just say to those on here saying I am not doing enough. The doctor told us to wait and see because it was common when girls start their periods. This is what I have done- I have followed medical advice.

i am now going to take her back to get her reassessed as it’s not got better. My point here is that the school isn’t listening to me in the meantime. I don’t want her missing loads of school either but I also don’t need this kind of nonsense from the school.

As someone said up the thread and it’s so true- schools are being run like young offenders institutes! DD’s school regularly metal detects the kids and bag searches wl the time. It’s hardly an environment
you want to be in if you have a heavy period and feel like shit.

Have you once taken her to a GP about this?

OMG have you actually read any of the thread?

That was your first mistake following medical advice

By the way there is no 'medical team' in schools. There are first aiders. These are not interchangeable.

Agree.

For one thing, I was always very slender before I started SSRIs in my late twenties but ever since I have really battled with my weight. I am convinced it's part of the reason for the obesity crisis - the pills even state quite clearly that they cause weight gain.

Schools need to realise that endometriosis and other conditions aren’t exactly rare but can take 10 years or more to be diagnosed with. So they get away with just saying ‘periods’ aren’t an excuse, it’s appalling.

We didn't even get sent any work. It was like the teachers just gave themselves a 6 month holiday

The vast majority of people I know who have gone onto SSRIs have gained a lot of weight. Many women i was in jail with for instance. Many of them started with suicide attempts when they'd never self harmed before, even when in jail.

I don't think the OP is being passive. It sounds like her DD is in the early stages of this at 13 and they are still figuring out just exactly how drastic any intervention needs to be.

And yes, you do have to push at the GP to access the right care and advocate as a parent but the average timeframe for diagnosis for endometriosis is something like 9 years and GPs are reluctant to diagnose PMDD, especially in very young girls, and will very much want to watch and wait before medicating a child with SSRIs or hormonal contraception - which as the OP says are not without serious side effects.

There is a huge knee jerk reaction when children are missing school for physical or mental health reasons to solve the problem at any cost, often with powerful drugs, mainly because schools have so little flexibility and are unwilling/unable to accommodate children's health needs.

I think it's right to be cautious OP - women and girls are often expected to suck up the costs (side effects, long term harms) of powerful drugs due to a reluctance/ refusal to offer reasonable adjustments in education and work environments.

I'd get the GP to acknowledge your DD's severe physical/emotional problems around her periods and the need for timely pain meds, time out, access to clean clothes and time off etc in writing to satisfy the school and start with that while you decide if you want to push for more invasive interventions and stronger medications at this stage. Good luck.

I didn’t put my teen on antidepressants. I put her on them at 4yo. Best decision ever.

You left out that its the parents responsibility to ensure the child is educated.