AIBU to be cross about school dismissing my daughter's severe periods?

[Meetmeinlove]

My DD 14 has horrendous periods- I suspect she might have PMDD which I also have. Her mood is terrible in the run up, can barely move for the first day, often throws up, is doubled over with cramps and it also often triggers migraines too. She often can’t get out of bed for a day- and this is with ibuprofen and paracetemol together.

It’s virtually impossible to get her to school- I have tried but she’s often too unwell. Last month she also leaked through her clothes and we had to pick her up as she was so distressed and embarrassed.

The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

I would add that the medical team at school have also not been helpful at all and have at times refused to give her ibuprofen even with my permission. It all feels ridiculous. I think the way they have handled it has made her less keen to go in when she has her period as they handled the leak issue terribly and she was hysterical when we collected her. (They were very unsympathetic and wouldn’t let her ring home etc- tried to send her back to class and get her to wear someone else’s
clothes that didn’t fit properly- it just made things worse)

I think it’s probably PMDD- I have had it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed until much later for me - it’s been awful though and does need careful management particularly around mood. I have had suicidal ideation with it and don’t want my DD to go through that too.

Aibu to be cross at the schools stance though- I will have to get a proper doctors note I think but I think my annoyance comes from the general ‘take an ibuprofen and get on with it’ dismissive attitude when DD is genuinely unwell with it and I have explained this to them on multiple occasions.

That's not what she is saying.
But I agree with op. I don't think we should be rushing to fill out children with medication till they rattle.

I had uncontrollable periods from age 12 with constant flooding and heavy clotting. I was put on the pill and stayed on it for 20 years. It regulates my cycle and brought everything under control. I think it’s important to explore all of the medical options with your doctor. Your daughter shouldn’t have to suffer like this. This is a medical issue and not a school issue.

School has changed a lot since the 80s and the legal frameworks governing schools have also changed a lot (source - I'm the same age as you and a teacher now).

She needs a care plan in school.

But you need to take her to the Dr.

There will be someone in school responsible for medical care of pupils.

The school need to feel confident in what they are doing and the medical care they support. The legalities around this means that there is not much room for what feels like it should be 'common sense'. The school has a duty of care not only to her medical needs but to ensure she receives her right to an education so they can't just let her go home when she has a period and you need to be pushing for appropriate medical care for her.

Bottom line is, you can't not take her to the GP and then complain that the school are failing in their duty of care to her.

The GP is responsible for assessing and providing that medical care, the school is responsible for providing this alongside their priorities of safeguaridng and ensuring her right to an education is met. You, as her parent, are responsible for initiating this and co-ordinatong the two

That means going to the GP and speaking with the school, ensuring they understand what they need to do through a care plan and then everyone knows what they are doing.

Is the parent phoning giving the advice they've received from 111 or the doctors surgery? Or is the parent giving their opinion and the school is giving their opinion?

Get her to hide them in her bra if she has too. She shouldn’t suffer. I mean this is a huge failing on the schools behalf, the should know better but sadly schools seem to only care about their statistics now rather then the welfare of their children (I would keep her off when she needs to be off).

also I would absolutely get her checked, privately if you can. It’s worth its weight in gold. Have they explored the possibility of endometriosis? My medical knowledge doesn’t really go into this area but I hope you get answers for her!

The whole point of medication is to fix things that are wrong, it treats conditions.

We're far too reluctant to treat kids with things like anti depressants and its to their detriment.

The official line from doctors is that early periods can be very difficult but then in some teens they do settle.

i don’t know how true this is.

but in this day and age some girls are getting periods at age 8 or 9. So by 14 they could be 5 years into it, and if what the doctors are saying is true you’d hope it would have settled.

how long has your dd been having periods?

(and that’s leaving aside the years of pain, anemia, diarrhoea and vomiting. My periods were genuinely horrendous and I remember being up all night once age 12 vomiting all night due to period and it’s so much to deal with at that age especially if the doctors are saying just live with it)

Don’t be ridiculous. The OP’s DD is suffering. She needs medical intervention. The OCP will be one of the first suggestions and will likely be very effective. My DD saw a gynaecologist who is willing to fit a Mirena for her under general anaesthetic. We saw her when DD was about 13yo. Slinda is working well and DD is okay with taking a tablet each day so she’ll stick with that for now. I’m about to get my third Mirena fitted by a GP. Love it. No periods.

Then the child goes to school this is not the schools fault

schools should be finding ways to ensure that those who cannot always attend school do not suffer educationally

This is beyond our remit. It's the job of local authorities to ensure that those who cannot attend school do not suffer educationally.

There are plenty of resources available to the local authority, including buying in virtual lessons with virtual tutors. Teachers are simply not required to teach children that aren't in the classroom - unless we're facing something like a lockdown situation.

Well, one person knows and loves the child and is with the child and can physically see them and the other is it at the end of the phone talking shite more interested in their attendance records than the kid

You clearly have an axe to grind about schools due to your son, not all schools are like this. Stop labelling them all the same

They need to know what medication the children are taking in case of adverse reactions. Hence the care plans.

We have so many parents sending parents in with medications. As soon as it contains an 'active medicinal ingredient', it has to be recorded and a parent has to give signed consent.

Even though I've never had a child come in with medicine their parent hasn't provided/been aware of, we can't LEGALLY allow them to take it unless a parent has notified the school.

That's not the school being awkward. It's the law.

9

Op take your daughter back to the gp, get a second opinion if needs be. Get her the medication she desperately needs

Attendance is a target set by the government not schools. Your issue appears to be with the DfE, not the member of school staff you're abusively referring to. Why wouldn't the parent who 'knows and loves the child' seek any sort of medical advice to help them?

My niece has endometriosis i can't even begin to explain to you how angry this paragraph made me.
The school have said that they don’t view periods as a reason for a day off. I have tried to explain that DDs are severe but they said to me ‘periods can be treated with an ibuprofen’.

This was me. It was so humiliating. I know you don’t want to have her on medication which is totally understandable.

If she suffers with migraines related to her periods the pill will not be any use, as the hormones can also cause more migraines.

If you speak to the right doctor there are other options, I took tranomexic acid to reduce flow (which it did massively) and mefanemic acid for the pain - both of these were a game changer for me. I passed out at college and my mum had to collect me bless her.

It was only because she took me to a women’s clinic and they took is seriously. Do they have anything like this in your area? I saw a female doctor who specialised in women’s health for years and had the same response as you, take ibuprofen. When I was seen by someone else they understood and had seen it before. I was sent for all kinds of tests and later diagnosed with endometriosis.

It’s worth pushing for help, but the first point of call in my opinion is to treat the flow and pain.

I hope you can get this sorted for her soon, but back to the doctors for now. This absolutely isn’t normal for periods.

But if Op is doing very little to get her daughter medical help then school have no reason to think it is serious

The op said the school does bag searches and confiscate it.

I had this. Missed three days of school a month due to heavy periods (this was about 30+) years ago so pre technology for studying etc. Carried on doing it at university and at work I WFH. Still got a first from my chosen Uni, despite how much school I missed and still have an excellent job despite the limitations (I’ve never been diagnosed though, just suffering very similar symptoms) I impose for my own sanity. I once went through six period pants in 8 hours at its worst. School attendance really isn’t the be all and end all.

I’m taking the same approach with my DDs. I won’t ever force them to suffer through potential embarrassment or extreme pain at school - they’ve been fine up to now though, thank goodness. But I am absolutely not putting a child on anti depressants or the pill for something like this, so I feel you OP.

Keep her off school. She’ll thank you for it

Pls make sure she understands to never take ibuprofen on an empty stomach. I am sure you have told her, but drum it into her.

Re PMDD, cyclical 25mg sertraline a week before period due works brilliantly for me. Can make me sleepy and dizzy for a few days (take in evening) but levels out the emotional rollercoaster.

The school sounds terrible and I'd raise a formal complaint about their treatment of her, especially during the leaking incident.

I would avoid hormonal birth control at all costs OP. Do you research about the effects of being on it long term, from a young age.

In terms of her pain relief being confiscated, is there a way she can keep it on her person? A small pouch worn under the clothes maybe?

I love how people think it will definitely be fixable and you just need to harass the doctor.

I know a woman,who had similar issues to OPs daughter and the school were fucking awful. Her mum had been back and forward to the doctors from age 12 with her. For a couple of years they were told to wait and see, that they can take a while to settle. The GP gave her letter but the school were still arseholes about attendance.

After about 2 years, she was prescribed medication which didn’t really help, then she tried a few different pills, which all gave her headaches, one made her very depressed over a period of 6 months and none really helped the pain or bleeding.

By this time she was starting year 11 and got sent for a scan and then other procedures. The poor girl had adenomyosis, endometriosis and a cyst.

Even being provided with this medical evidence the school still went on about her attendance.

She is 23 now, has had some treatment for endometriosis but without a hysterectomy, she has been told there isn’t much they can do for the type of adenomyosis she has, which causes severe pain, heavy bleeding etc. She wants children so obviously won’t be having a hysterectomy at the moment.

Her university and now workplace have been brilliant. Her school was not! Some period problems can not be solved. Schools need to do better.

Very best wishes to your daughter OP.

eta. Meme era of school staff said to her mum when she was 13, get her on the pill. Thats a huge overstep for school staff. And doesn’t always work anyway. It was attendance over everything else.

I didn't say teachers.
But I do think the education system - DfE, LEAs, and schools could all do more to harness technology to ensure children don't miss out. Zooming into lessons would be the best option to ensure it is seamless for a child who has to miss patches of school

I missed this part wtf yes op needs to be getting her proper medical care women and girls shouldn't have to just suffer