AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

It could be as simple as they got use to spending time with the other family through school run etc and a friendship developed organically.
it could be a subconscious choice to befriend the other white couple.
There’s hopefully no malice in their choices but I can see why you would feel slighted. Do you want to pursue a friendship, could you invite her for coffee?

What kind of area is it - how diverse? I hate to say it but there are areas where your race could well be the reason they haven’t taken to you, even subconsciously. Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong!

I could agree with you and say it must be because their kids go to school together so don’t take it personally but it’s not & I think deep down you know that.

You extended a hand of friendship and if they can’t see past that then put simply that is their loss not yours.

Unfortunately not everyone will be friends with everyone and in the current climate you ought to protect yourself.

You will make friends at the school your child goes to and you will forget all about them.

Make friends with people who enjoy spending time with you & yours.

None of us can say what their reasons are. However, when I was the new neighbour I started talking to my next door neighbour first (2 kids same age as mine), but they do go to a different school, and over time i just got closer to the neighbours across the road as their children (same ages) were in the same classes as mine, more similar to my kids, and we just saw each other more, at birthday parties, school pick up, afterschool activities etc., we’d give each other’s kids lifts, my kids go round to play, they come round to our house…
they never developed that relationship with next door.
in this case, our next door neighbours are not the same race as us, but that has nothing to do with why we are closer to neighbours across the road (in fact, one of the families across the road are the same ethnic background as next door neighbour).
Having said that, one of the families across the road are from a culture where you invite your neighbours round for food, drop off some cake etc. it makes us somewhat uncomfortable because we are not, and it is not something we do.
so font necessarily take it personally - they are your neighbours but they don’t have to be your friend. You did your neighbourly duty

It probably relates to the school run. My neighbours are all much closer to each other but their children go to the same school and I see them walking to and from the school run together/helping each other out with it.

I can't send my children to that school for reasons outside my control. But I am sad at the divide it has created because they all seem really nice

It might be relevant, such is the state of the UK at the moment. But it's probably more likely to do with schools. How do you get on with the mums at your school? Do your kids go on playdates with them? I hope so.

Anyway, regarding your neighbours, their loss, you seem a nice lady trying to make the effort. Just sorry it's not the same back for you.

I imagine it's about the school. But you also sound rather full on. I'd really, really hate someone to start bringing food round! And too many invitations maybe made you sound rather desperate. Maybe play it a bit cooler, and have friendly, civil conversations without talking about meeting up, or giving them stuff they probably don't want. I'm not sure it's helpful to leap straight to 'they must be massive racists', though it may very well be a bit of culture clash.

It’s such a shame. You sound like a great neighbour. I wish you lived next door to me 🙂

Sorry but I'm inclined to agree with this. You also sound a bit martyrish - why are you slaving away cooking while heavily pregnant? I would feel so uncomfortable!

Sorry OP I'm sure you mean well but it probably doesn't come across the way you think it does 😬

I'm friendly with some neighbours and only bought them wine and chocolates for Christmas after we had some work done as a kind of "thank you for putting up with the noise" token.

You were pregnant what is heavily about it? But you chose to do that, maybe you dont mean to be but your post to me makes me you think you are too full on, i ca3nt handle people that so this and would push back a lot

Being normal around people works best

Adding to what everyone else has said, ”If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them…..they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.”

This reminded me a bit of the video Martin Lewis does at Christmas - you are perhaps making them feel obligated to cook and host, and they don’t have the capacity for that so they avoid you.

Heavily pregnant generally means in the last two or three months.

If they're only 'friends' with people that go to the same school then I'd argue that they aren't interested in friends at all, only connections. It could be a blessing in disguise

It is probably a race thing to be honest. Maybe not consciously, but they see you as different.

I'm British Asian, born and bred, and I don't think everyone is racist but generally speaking, people tend to stick to what, and who, they know.

It sounds abit full on, I wouldn’t like my neighbours bringing me food round that they had cooked and they might feel as though they have to reciprocate.

Once your kids are old enough they will likely all start playing outside together.

Good fences make good neighbours.

You're not being unreasonable to be hurt because you can't control your emotions, but I suspect you're more asking if they're being unreasonable for not making more effort. But people have the right to choose who they want to associate with. Race / skin colour isn't always the reason. Personally, never had any compatibility issues hanging out with Muslim people, but I wouldn't necessarily spend time with (serious) Christians and definitely not JWs. Regardless of skin colour. Can't be my true self around them and too much judgement / different lifestyles. I remember one lass getting weird when me and another girl were talking about one-night stands or swearing too much. I'm not going to actively choose to spend my free time around people I'm not compatible with and that's okay.

Sadly, I think people tend to become friends with people who resemble them or have a similar background. They feel comfortable with what they know and what to expect in terms of interactions.

For example, bringing food over may be fine in your culture but I would feel uncomfortable at best if I was the recipient. I'm white but not British. My parents' or grandparents' generation would be aghast as to them it would imply they were too poor to feed themselves.

I think friendships between British people start in a very low key and gradual way - maybe a casual cup of coffee in the kitchen rather than a full cooked lunch for lots of people.

I think it’s the school connection and possibly about how they like/choose to socialise. I feel pretty time poor but really enjoy a few wines with school families at group events at people’s homes (and ours- often host). It’s possibly a poor reflection on me but a fair bit of our socialising involves alcohol.

White British Muslim here. Honestly, the sending food to your neighbours thing is a deeply engrained Muslim tradition, and a lovely one. But it’s not always well received here. If you were on pleasant chatty terms and the neighbour commented ‘Oh your cooking always smells so lovely’ then that might be a suitable inroads, but otherwise it’s sometimes considered intrusive and over familar. They could be prejudiced. Or they could just be too busy or stressed to take the time out to explore friendships which might require more effort than normal. Learning other cultures and faiths when navigating friendships can require extra brain power and some folk just prefer to keep themselves to themselves. I wouldn’t over think it. Give it time and look to invest your energies into other friendships and your own family. You mean well but not everyone is open to seeing it.

She didn't leap to anything and didn't call them massive racists as far as I saw, she reflected tentatively and honestly that she is wondering if they prefer the other couple in part because they are the same race, which is perfectly acceptable to consider and was handled in an emotionally mature, way. Op do you drink? I have a slightly different friendship with my lovely Muslim friends because we don't grab a wine or have a night out as couples, it's weird to reflect on because it's not like I'm a huge drinker but there's definitely a different dynamic to some of my non drinking pals friendships (for religious reasons and others). I have also found with many many friendships in my life they've revolved around some common factor, work, schools, gym, studying etc and often when that's gone they've faded, not always but perhaps the school link is really propping up the other friendships

No everyone wants to be friends with everyone it can just be as simple as that why does there have to be a deeper reason?

And what right does anyone to have to assume anything about anyone? They may be racist but what proof is there?

I find it a bit narcissistic 'they would be friends with me but I have decided the reason they wont be'

Well, obviously we don’t know why they’re not interested in befriending you, but it’s perfectly possible they just prefer the other neighbours, that it’s not racial/cultural. Not everyone’s going to like everyone to the point of wanting to be friends.

You will say that, regardless, they should have reciprocated your hospitality, and normally I’d agree, but if, within the space of a mere nine months, you’ve had them round for lunch, ‘often’ taken them food and multiple times suggested having coffee or ‘getting the babies together’, then I think it’s possible they feel you’d take a coffee as an indication of wanting a friendship they’re not interested in having. You might be coming on a bit strong.

You complain you’re ’making all the effort’, but that’s because you want to be friends with them. Behaviour is communication. They’re communicating too. For whatever reason, they’re not interested in friendship.

They may well be prioritising their older kids wanting play dates and friends over their baby needing a play date? Have you only got the baby and no older child? Are you going to any mother and baby groups? I’d concentrate on that and finding a friend network that way.

Personally I always think don’t be friends with neighbours. Friendly for sure but not friends. The closer you are the more the risk of a falling out there is and then you’re stuck living next door.

oh just clocked your user name…….you probably do have more kids 😁🙈

i don’t think YABU to feel a bit sad OP. Unfortunately people just click with some people more than others. It may be due to race/culture or it may not. I had a similar situation when I greeted a new neighbour (although we are both white British). She was polite & civil but she didn’t go beyond that, although she did become more close & friendly with a couple of other neighbours. I would have liked the occasional coffee etc with her but I wasn’t her type & sometimes that’s just all it is x