AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

We don’t know the reason but really it’s their loss. You sound like a wonderful neighbour, wish you lived next door to me!

I'm not sure it's helpful to leap straight to 'they must be massive racists'

She didn’t do this. She was just musing about the reasons and was trying to understand why they weren’t friends yet. It’s interesting that you leapt straight to that kind of comment…

OP, just wondered if your kids are at a private school and the others are at a local state school? That can sometimes cause a divide?

You seem like a kind and thoughtful person and your feelings are valid. I wouldn’t give these negative thoughts too much headspace though as you are only hurting yourself.

I don’t think that’s fair. Obviously we don’t know that they’re not racists, but Mn is full of ‘But I’m nice, and I do all these things for other people — why doesn’t X like me?’ posts, where race isn’t an issue. I mean, I can see why the OP is considering it, but would entrenched racists be likely to have accepted a lunch invitation with their new Asian Muslim neighbours? It seems more likely to me that they just prefer the other people and are dodging the OP’s hints because they’re just not interested.

School runs and kids that are friends through school are a strong glue for relationships between families with kids.

Is it the case that all the other kids in the street go to a different school? And if so, is there a reason for that?

It could be racism, I think that's less likely nowadays than it was 30 years ago, but there's still plenty about. Could it also just be cultural differences/not clicking? Non of my neighbours cooked for me before we were already pretty good friends - possibly you just came across as trying too hard?

It could be a subconscious choice to befriend the other people with same culture.

usually we pick out friends we have common interests, similar habits, hobbies. Not just one thing, but several smaller linkers

school will also play a big part as time everyday in the playground brings out all the shared overlaps. 15 minutes every day brings people together

I think it depends where and how a person was raised. I’ve found people are far more accepting when they grew up in a big city compared to those who grew up in a rural village. Parenting also plays a part.

Anyway it does sound hurtful OP and it may be race but also may just be as simple as them getting close on the school run.

JFC - your neighbours are racist just because they're not as keen as you are to spend time they likely don't have with you and some on here are actually entertaining that idea 😜

You sound lovely! But honestly, I think it’s the taking food round thing!
I would be hesitant to be more friendly with you in case it led to more food being brought round randomly.
I appreciate it’s a nice gesture, but no.

I’m curious why your kids are at a different school too.

please stop bringing food around though. That would make me so, so uncomfortable. Overbearing neighbours are just as tricky as ones who ignore you. You might find it easier to develop something if you just back up a bit and let it happen (or not) naturally.

It's usually the opposite actually.

People in a city tend to be rude and isolating, people from a rural village tend to know their neighbours.

I've got a sibling who lives in a rural village and they leave their doors open every day for breakfast and neighbours pop in all morning.

This. Sorry but you sound quite forceful

Maybe it’s because you’re Asian. Maybe it isn’t. You just need to move on. You extended the arm of friendship and they didn’t take it. You need to toughen up because your dc will need that from you to navigate your neighbourhood too.

Is this your first home away from your parents?

I’m going to be honest because you’ve asked for opinions - I think you did way too much. I’ve never known a neighbour to bring around food on a regular basis and I wouldn’t like it if they did because I’d feel obliged to say thank you even though I wouldn’t want to eat food brought around by other people. I have my own meal plan and don’t want extras added to that. Also, I would think they wanted me to reciprocate which I would have no intentions of doing, so that would also make me feel uncomfortable. That, added to repeated invitations would probably make me think you’re a bit full on and I wouldn’t want to get involved in case the invitations get even more frequent.

If I was you in the future, I’d ask somebody once or twice if they want to meet up and wait for them to reciprocate. If they don’t accept the invitation, then stop asking.

Yes I have to agree inviting them round once was nice. A neighbour randomly ringing food round would make me think they were best avoided

A family moved next door to us and immediately started bringing food and desserts round, and asking us to go to theirs for dinner. The first time she brought food round, she told me she viewed us as family.

It was waaaay too overbearing. I'm afraid it made me back right off.

I think this is cultural. An Asian woman years ago wd bring round Indian food for me and even sewed me some kitchen aprons.

It would be too intense for me.

Us English like to keep things to a minimum in such close proximity.i bet the food was great though!

But she didn't say that did she?

OP, as others have said, you were being a bit full on. Although it's very nice what you did, there's the social pressure of feeling you have to reciprocate. They might not have the time to do so, or simply don't want to. Friendships are best when formed naturally and gradually imo.

Also, being friends with your neighbours is sometimes no fun of they're a busy body. They see you're at home so they come knocking. Ask you about any activity they notice going on at your house. It can all feel a bit intrusive for some. They might have thought you are potential busybody material.

Lastly, do you have a really nice house? It might be that they feel they couldn't possibly invite you over if their house isn't as well kept as yours.

Not my experience in terms of racism specifically.

I have no idea why they haven't reached out to you and am really sorry it has happened.
However, while it could be because of your race(where i live this would be extrmemly unusual), it is far more likely not. It is a sad reflection of our society/history that you worry this may be the reason. These kind of things happen all the time to everyone often for a whole multitude of reasons including they just clicked better with the other family/the school link(it may not be at all personal).
Look for people who are open to friendship(join baby groups/get involved at the school/through hobbies/volunteering) and try not to focus on rejection. There will always be people looking to be your friends, though it can take time.

I’d find this too much from a neighbour. Taking them food? I’d honestly hate this. And how do you know so much about what they get up to with their friends?

Friendships are organic, not engineered. You can’t, and shouldn’t, try and force it.

I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them…..they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.

You're being way OTT. They don't owe you friendship because they live next door and have a child the same age as you. If it were me, all of this would make me back away from you. It's too much.

Oh I think the food is a total plus point

Mond you when my dad was ill and then died the amount of food the neighbours ( all Asian) brought round was incredible.I think we all lived on in for weeks later and it felt such a kind thing to . Certainly didn't feel weird

I’d have absolutely no issue accepting food if the food was good, but only from people I liked. We’re white, though not originally from the UK, and Asian neighbours (well, a family who ran a local business, though they lived further away) used to give us food often (huge extended family, lots of weddings, funerals, gatherings etc with leftovers), but we liked them very much and reciprocated in other ways. But I wouldn’t have felt comfortable about continually accepting food from people I didn’t want to be friends with, especially if it came along with suggestions of socialising.