AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

I can’t stand the phrase. It is a certain kind of person who uses it. And I’m not surprised it doesn’t bother you.

I’d feel things were a bit full on with taking food round. I understand it’s cultural but it isn’t really done in British culture to be honest unless it’s some sort of dinner / bring a dish type thing

I think the posters who mentioned taking food around and being generally more full on than a white British person might have a point. There is a custom that hospitality needs to be reciprocated and these neighbours may be feeling a bit pressured. They are time poor and don't want to be put under a social obligation which could become burdensome.

Many years ago something happened between me and a (white British) friend. It shows that the sense of obligation is not confined to race differences. She collected celluloid boxes and I am heavily into vintage. Often when I went to an antique fair I would bring one back to add to her collection. They were not expensive and I never expected any recompense. One day we had a minor argument about something else and she told me quite angrily to stop bringing her celluloid boxes. Although I felt hurt, I did begin to see things from her perspective. I had been overwhelming her and she felt uncomfortable and obligated. I never bought her another gift and the friendship faded out after that. But it did make me conscious of overwhelming other people with misplaced kindness.

There is an old saying - no good deep goes unpunished.

Its a real shame actually thinking about it because its a lovely gesture and should be a good way to begin a friendship. But to a lot of British people it comes across as a bit pushy.

Its probably quite a poor indictment on us actually: I think there’s a lot to like about bringing food as a gift to introduce yourself.

But you have to factor this in. British people are often very privacy obsessed and distrusting. If you take food around to a new neighbour in this country, 75% of people will be suspicious of your motives. Either they will think you want something in return or they will feel non specifically pressured.

Some of the best advice I have ever been given in my life was given to me by an elderly neighbour when we moved into out first house was to not be to eager to make friends with neighbours. Friendly yes, neighbourly yes.....so respectfully maybe dial it back a bit?

I feel sorry this is happening to you OP. It's understandable given the initial effort you made to feel upset by this behaviour. If it's any consolation I can assure you it happens within neighbourhoods & school playgrounds regardless of race colour or creed. There will always be reasons for a clique to to decide who is welcome to join in. There could be various reasons such as their husbands are close friends, they have open marriages,they support the same football teams, they go to the same church and worst of all you are far more attractive and on it goes. I wouldn't take it as them not including you for any other reason than they are simply different types who have more in common with each other. Hold your head up, smile & show them you are not interested in joining their particular clique.

I would love to have you as a neighbour!

You are very lovely to be welcoming and offer food. However, you also need to watch out and see how they react. If they like it , if that’s their sort of thing, they will reciprocate in some way.

They don’t need to exactly match what you do in return, just do something to show they are ‘in’. Simply saying thank you is just them being polite. Watch out for the reciprocation

it’s about matching the energy you get back from people. It’s taken me a long time to learn this, hope it helps you to think of it in this way.

Someone said to me, 'Keep your neighbours outside your gate and you'll be friends for life.' This is certainly true for me. I would be most discombobulated if a neighbour brought me food. I greet neighbours, maybe a chat about the weather, admire their cat/dog/child/trainers, and that's about it. We are friendly acquaintances and it's lovely. I am sorry you feel lonely, but you sound lovely and you'll easily make friends at your child's school. All the best.

I had friendly overtures rejected several times when I was a mature student at uni. Looking back I realise it was probably because of the age difference. People in their late teens/twenties don't want to socialise with someone who is their mums' age. Discussion in a tutorial is ok. Going for a group coffee or drink is ok. But not being invited around for a meal to someone's home. That might be a step too far. I have felt like this myself on holiday when there was a danger of someone I had nothing in common with attaching themself to me.

As PP up-thread have remarked people tend to socialise with those from a similar background. It need be ethnicity ethnicity. Age, interest, and outlook can all form barriers as well as create bonds. In your case the children all attend the same school. They play together, attend parties and play dates. So its natural that the mums should form a friendship group.

You are a fine neighbour.
Hopefully your friendship willbe reciprocated sometimes.

I think it is a school thing. People with young children are often tired and have limited time. There fore they tend to make friends with people they see incidentally, whom they see regularly with little effort.
The school children see each other every day, want play dates and probably dictate a lot of the family's social interactions.

You will make firm friends when your child starts school.

We have a British Asian family across from us. They are the only ones in the street. We now get on very well, pet sitting and garden watering for each other etc. However, when they first arrived they tried much too hard, at Christmas for instance, when neighbours gave each other Christmas cards, they arrived with very expensive chocs, grapes, far too much of everything for everyone. Similarly when my dc passed driving test- they really didn't need a congratulations gift. And as a neighbourhood, we just don't cook for each other, and wouldn't unless asked in case of illness (eg. I cooked for elderly neighbour once, when she was just out of hospital). But gradually it all settled down, and they have been here about 5 years now, and everyone gets on.
So I think you just need to step back a little, especially re. the cooking.

Recognising that people who don't unnecessarily give their Asian neighbours food might not be racist = they're not bothered about the phrase 'race card' (very much an American phrase that almost never gets used in the UK) = they're racist!

How many people do you think avoid you because they're fed up being called racist / far right?

Please do not tell neighbours that you are lonely. Implicit in that remark is the hope that you would like them to do something about it. Mentally and possibly physically they will back away.

You will enhance the lives of many friends - they aren't likely to be your neighbours though!

When my kid was small I didnt invite anyone into my home because I was ashamed how untidy it was. If you have other kids you have to do school runs and birthday parties but you may not have the energy for more than that. People dropping food around would irritate me, it's not part of my culture. My parents might have done that after a death or very serious illness but it's no longer a thing.

I'm also less likely than I used to be to make friends with people of colour. That's because of the ridiculous idea that if someone perceives something to be racist then we must all fall over backwards to appease them. You cant be comfortable around people constantly looking to be offended. I would probably have gone out of my way to make friends with you before BLM - now I would not. Cancel culture backfires.

Ok. Fair enough, but I was talking about the expression people use every day, not analysing the poem.

You don’t know what heavily pregnant means?

I think the last paragraph of this is spot on.

Kindly OP you sound lovely but you may have come on a bit strong. It’s a lovely part of Muslim and other Asian culture to share food but not everyone appreciates it and certainly not neighbours you hardly know. It’s their loss really. I would pull back a bit and focus on the friends you do have!

I’m so sad for you. I would feel the same. And totally understandable that you wonder if it’s to do with your culture. I would wonder if it was to do with my class. A natural human thing to do - to try to work out reasons.
please reassure yourself. You sound like a lovely person.
some English people may feel a bit uncomfortable about receiving food as it’s not generally something we would do (unless sick family or friends situation) and they wouldn’t know how to reciprocate. But that’s not your problem. You did it from the goodness of your heart. Let it go.

Thanks for sharing your enormously prejudiced ideas of ethnic minorities ‘looking to be offended’. If it’s really curtailing your friendships, you need to have a serious look at the type of stuff you were saying back when you thought it was fine to be vocally racist.

OP may I ask why your children aren’t at the same school as the neighbour’s?
Because I think probably your answer is there.

Like others, I think you may have come on too strong with often dropping over food. This would stress me out, as I’d feel an obligation to reciprocate, and also it would interfere with my scheduled meal plan. I appreciate that it’s a cultural thing, and it is a lovely thing to do in theory, but the practicalities make it a bit unwelcome, in my view.

I think it’s prob the different school, they’ll naturally see each other more.

Yes also the dropping round food is a bit much in English culture.

Not unreasonable to feel hurt, and it may well be a race thing. However, I would stop trying now. You've been friendly, neighbourly and for whatever reason they don't want the same relationship with you. Just because you live on an estate it doesn't mean that you have to be friends. Focus on friendships away from there - find mum/baby groups, toddler groups as well as groups/clubs which have nothing to do with babies - your own interests and hobbies. Dropping food around when you cook is too much, not everyone eats from other people although I understand that in your culture it's seen as a positive thing. I guess what I'm saying is don't try so hard, it only makes you feel like crap when it doesn't work. It's also a lesson that you will need to teach your child/children - growing up on an estate where they are the only non-white children, they shouldn't feel like they have to bend over backwards to be liked or accepted. They will do, if they see their parents doing it.