AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

I wish you were my neighbour OP. Mine aren't at all friendly. I would have loved to invite you over for coffee

Same.

:)

Well they wanna be fries a with everyone else don't they . So yes to leave one family out is shitty behaviour.

I feel for you OP, this really isn’t a nice feeling.

That being said l, putting myself in their shoes the school thing would make me deviate towards the other person more than it would to you. Is the school your child goes to close by/a similar school? Those types of experiences bond people organically.

Also, I would also echo that as lovely as it seems all what you describe does seem full on, I would definitely be taking a step back just as a more private person irrespective of colour or religion.

I doubt skin colour would come into this for most people but if you are leading with your religion, sometimes that can create an invisible division to start off with.

I would also be very uncomfortable if anyone irrespective of background, colour or religion brought me food. I would thank them lots for their gesture, I would appreciate the thought behind it but it wouldn’t be for me.

you sound like a lovely person that has thought deeply about this. Ultimately what do you organically have in common aside from living in the same street and having children.

I would just try to chill out about it and invite them to the park for a picnic in the holidays.

the Op actually said "friends with some of the other people"

That's not what OP said at all.

Likely unconscious bias … they are drawn to the people more like them.

Having just moved I would have been delighted to have been invited round and would reciprocate. However all the neighbours here just seem to keep themselves to themselves and aren't interested in making friends, even though we have kids the same age.

This is sad because my last house we were all so close and I miss that.

I just think some places are like this, others aren't and it's not you, it's them.

I'm white, have a good job, but no one in my street is interested in striking up a friendship. I say hi and they scurry off.

That’s such a shame. When a new family moved to our school I made a big effort with the mum (we had a child in the same year but they weren’t friends and anyway this was secondary where kids did their own thing). Invited her over for dinner with my usual group of mums (she came), she came to the class coffee morning occasionally, I just tried to be open and inviting - I didn’t stalk her or anything. She had me at hers once and I thought we got along. But nothing ever came of it and I eventually stopped asking her as she either said no or didn’t reply, though friendly enough in person. Thing is I heard that she wanted to move as she didn’t find the neighbourhood welcoming and was struggling to make friends! Now we are both white, but I’m a widow. I notice all her FB posts are of her and her DH. Maybe she wanted other couple friends. Maybe she just didn’t think we gelled. But I did feel rejected.

That’s ridiculous. Do you think adult friendships are like whole-class parties for seven year olds, where it’s cruel to leave one child out?

Adults are entirely free to socialise only with people they like. Not everyone appeals to everyone. If they did, friendships wouldn’t exist because there would be no reason to choose one person over another. We’d all just bumble around being equally friends with everyone. The new neighbour prefers other people who are not the OP. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either the neighbour or the OP.

Or she just didn’t like you enough, @mondaytosunday — which doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you, just that it wasn’t mutual enough for a friendship. Just like we’ve all dated perfectly acceptable men, decent, interesting, attractive individuals, and just didn’t feel it.

I definitely wouldn’t jump to it being a race thing! I chat to people in the park when I walk my dog and there is woman there who is always keen to walk with me and chat and I just … don’t click with her. (We’re both white). She must wonder why I’m always on my way out when I see her but take leisurely walks with other people … it’s nothing personal. Sometimes you just get on better with one person and don’t want to hang out with another. You can’t make them be friends with you by giving them food.

Honestly, some people just click with you, and others don't. There are some people who I wouldn't choose to spend time with, but that doesn't mean they're not nice people.. just not my cup of tea! You can't force friendship. It takes more than proximity, or else every street would be a non stop party (for the record, our street is like that, and it's relentless haha).

You sound absolutely lovely, but unfortunately some cultures are not as generous as yours. I suspect some people would feel pressured/ embarrassed at what they would perceive as an obligation to reciprocate ( even though you wouldn’t intend it that way). Agree with suggestions to be a little lower key - but I’m really sorry if they turn out to be unfriendly due to your skin colour 🥹🥹. I do think the same schools has a lot to do with it though- as I see that in our road - it just makes lift shares, school drop offs , concert evenings, inset days so much easier. I hope you find some people who deserve and appreciate your friendship 💝💐

You sound lovely.
I think its probably down sinply to the school. You will find your own friendship group

You sound like a great neighbour. You've tried your best to extend the hand of friendship and it was ignored. Leave them be as it's not worth it. Their loss. If you hadn't tried they'd probably have said Muslims don't try to mix. My ex sister in law and her family are Muslim (my brother in law's ex) and I'm closer to her than the majority of my actual blood family. Her mum, sister and extended family look on my husband and I as family. I was told to call her mother mum and she called my parents mum and dad. Amazing, friendly, kind and always been there for us.

So my auntie is in her seventies and has a polish neighbour who keeps bringing her food and while she recognises it’s very nice of her she still finds it’s bit odd like the neighbour is suggesting she’s incapable of feeding herself when she still works full time by choice. It could’ve a similar cultural clash but also most probably they’re prioritising friendships with the school mums they’ll be with for the next decade.

Oh gosh, I might be that neighbour. Not because of the religion thing, but because I'm hopeless at reciprocating hospitality.

When I do have people over, its usually a huge thing, so I don't do it often.

My house is messy, I'm always busy, and I don't prioritise socialising. In fact, truthfully, I don't much like it.

I fan see why you're hurt, but they may just be accidental friends with the other lot because of shared overlap in schools.

I'm mixed race British - South Asian in there, as well.

I live in what others term a predominantly white village.
I'm interested in people and how they behave. Each of the neighbours is like the world out there - diverse, with very different cultural (I mean to individual and family level) experiences, expectations and habits. Absolutely take it easy - giving people personal space is important.

I'd be happy to have you as my neighbour, but it takes me time to warm up to people and I need to do it my own time and with a bit of space, and perhaps, with the right social cues and fit for my personality type.

Step back and give your neighbours space. Call out greetings/wave if you see them. But no more. Pacing social interaction might be the expectation, and you'll get this by mirroring their behaviour, where necessary. But being yourself as well.

Hugs. Navigating society is a challenge when you're new to a space/place. X

I couldn't think of anything worse then having a neighbour like you. I say hello to my neighbours, I will take their parcels in and I will help in an emergency but I don't want to risk a neighbour become to attached and not understanding boundaries

Surely you know what ‘heavily pregnant’ means?

You sound like an amazing neighbour and friend!
I think I’d be a bit hurt too, even if I’d think of a million ways to justify it in my head.

OP - you sound like a lovely, warm person.

But! We have no choice as to who our neighbours are. We can choose our friends, but anyone can move in next door. People are therefore a bit cautious about getting closely involved with neighbours - you only have to read MN to hear some horror stories.

We welcomed all our new neighbours with a card and small gift (bottle, flowers) and introduced ourselves, and left it at that. Some reciprocated, others nodded, smiled and then ignored us, and that's fine. Personally I don't want a close relationship with a neighbour - I just want to get on with them to be able to say 'We're away for the week - could you put any parcels in the log store?' or similar. Or leave a spare key with them - that sort of thing.

I've had neighbours in the past who watched obsessively to see when I was in and when I went out, and as soon as they saw me, they'd be ringing the bell expecting to come in for a drink and chat. I couldn't live like that!! It spoiled my life and we had to move.

Yes - bringing food is clearly a very culturally -based thing, and not usual in the UK, I'd say (please correct if I'm wrong!).

Amongst people I know (and they're the only ones I can comment on) it would be seen as odd and rather intrusive. Plus - nowadays people are so particular about food - allergies, special diets etc etc - that it's not really practical. And many people, harsh though it sounds, would not welcome a present of food from a stranger - they'd be concerned about how it was prepared.

One friend who's a vociferous atheist took against her neighbour for leaving a casserole on her doorstep with a message about God! Kindly meant, I'm sure, but it completely misfired as an opening gambit. 😳

Best to back off with food and stick to flowers, chocs and cards which can't really offend anyone!