AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

I live in a fairly white area. We have a mix of races on our small new build estate. Everyone talks and there are street parties etc.
I'd suggest, if its safe, that there's a street party for August Bank Holiday or just after Eid al-Fitr.

Assuming everyone thinks it's a good idea, set up a WhatsApp group so it's easy for everyone to talk and make arrangements etc. Share the cost of a bouncy castle for the kids and play safe games. The kids will love it and hopefully it'll help your relationship. Hope it works....

I’ll be honest when we moved into our present home I’d have hated an instant lunch invite from a neighbour, and I probably wouldn’t have wanted to accept all the other invites before I’d settled in properly. I prefer to get to know people on a casual day-to-day basis and form friendships over time rather than being shoehorned into a friend group. Being neighbours with someone doesn’t mean you’ll have anything in common with them.
I don’t suspect any racist intent here.

Probably is a race thing in all honesty which is conveniently excused by the kids being at different schools. I just would concentrate on yourself and family and get on with it. We’re a mixed race family living on all white street, it’s the same.

Op - look at it from this view. Have your unhelpful thoughts about what might be at play ended since creating this post and having all of our opinions?

So to answer your question with no opinions to reassure you there is nothing wrong with you. Again none of the mumsnetters can really make a factual decision on this as we are not you or your neighbours.

Your question: AUBU to feel hurt by neighbours not reciprocating the friendship you have offered? No - your emotions are a valid response to your interpretations of the event.

The rest of your thoughts about why they have not reciprocated are assumptions so far.

Unless…

Have your neighbours said to you We do not like you and we do not want to be friends?

Have they said to you we do not like you and do not want to be friends because of your race?

Have they said to you we do not like you and do not want to be friends because of your religion?

Have they said to you we do not like you and we do not want to be friends with you because of your race and religion?

Have they in any way shape or form shown you any hard factual evidence they do not like you?

Not inviting you over is not factual evidence they do not like you and do not want to be friends and that they are disliking of your race and religion. That is your assumption.

You can decide how you proceed from here.

You can choose to keep worrying about what they and other people that drop into your life think and ruminating about why they have not reciprocated and continue to feel hurt.

You can focus on the family and friends who you share good times with and enjoy that.

Keep being true to yourself and following your values and true friends will appear.

I mean who knows they may one day invite you over and you get to know them a bit better and then you dislike them.

For myself, there's a great difference between being neighbourly, which is to my mind, all about manners, mutual consideration, helping with eg. Bins, checking on elderly in extreme weather etc. Cf. Friendship, which is much deeper and includes trust, shared interests, liking, humour and understanding.
You can't force Friendship, or buy it, or demand it. Being kind to someone doesn't mean you are their friend. Perhaps it might be hypocritical, but often we are kind to people we don't like much at all. Unfortunately, often this kindness is misunderstood and taken as something more meaningful.
Food, especially unexpected food, is a minefield. My strawberries produced a big crop this year. I shared them with 2 neighbours who in the past had shared figs and similar with me. That's really the limit of what I would be comfortable giving or receiving unexpectedly.

You can feel however you like about it. No one owes you friendship. They gwt on with the other neighbours better, it's a shame for you. But not much you can do about it.

So much of the responses here highlight the greater issue with being from a Global Ethnic Majority background living within a predominantly white environment(

I think you did something very nice and sincere, you will receive blessings for this. Perhaps not from the people you did it to though.

On another hand, I'd personally feel embarrassed if neighbours flooded me with food and gifts, because I have little time, cannot cook, and I'm generally a disaster at networking. I'd probably disappear and liaise with people I feel less pressure from to reciprocate.

However the racist issue unfortunately exists. All of my neighbours are english, I'm not, and I know they don't feel inclined to liaise with me.
Sad.

It's in the hands of those with a strong sincere faith to hold compassion and keep resentment at bay when this happens.

I think you need to accept that the British are by their own tradition very reserved, it's a cultural clash, so please stop overdoing for the wrong people and do it for the right ones! I'd love to have you as a neighbour. In some cultures if you don't cook delicious stuff for an army you are overlooked, not the case here. Please relax and do less!! ❤

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Yes if I , as a white person, moved to a predominantly Black Country then I would need to remember not to expect to be in the majority

Me too!

I think it's a similar issue being white in a predominantly ethnic minorities area

I tend to keep myself to myself when it comes to the neighbours. I mean, I say hi, take in parcels, maybe have the odd five minute conversation but I feel a little awkward at anything more than this.
I wouldn’t rule out a friendship but I feel socially awkward (undiagnosed but almost certainly AuDHD) and develop friendships slowly and gradually.
You sound friendly but far too full on for me (I don’t mean to be mean but I would feel overwhelmed which would make me more introvert).
Also, is your house immaculate and are you good at cooking? I struggle to keep on top of housework and, although I can cook, I feel self conscious about my cooking so don’t cook for people outside of my family.
I happily have people around whose houses are a similar standard to mine but I try to avoid having people around whose houses are immaculate as I worry they will judge me.

We do this on my small cul de sac. I don’t think it’s good advice for the OP to do similar. She’s already been coming on quite strong.

I think there could be some underlying racism - or not. It's one of these situations were you will probably never know for sure.

Taking race out of it I like to keep it breezy between neighbours - friendly enough to be neighbourly (ie help each other out of needed, friendly chat) but not too close. If I had just moved I would feel it would be rude to turn down an invite to lunch but because I would have been one of several invited parties I also would have felt I didn't necessarily had to invite back as it was not just an invite for me and I would absolutely not want to get into a situation of having to host you and several neighbours for lunch on a regular basis. I just wouldn't want to get myself into that level of intensity for hosting with a number of families on a regular basis. I juggle work, kids, voluntary work, studies and existing friends and I would not want to add any further social obligations on top of that.

Once the kids are at the same school the dynamic changes a lot, particularly when they are in the same class/get on well. There are many more opportunities for becoming friends and also an element of being able to help each other out: school run, play dates etc Especially if you then discover you get on with the other family. There are so many opportunities for closeness without seeking them out and very convenient if kids are friends already without effort.

If I were you I would stop making the effort you do with these neighbours and focus on building more rewarding relationships with other people. I am sure there are others who appreciate your caring nature more.

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You sound lovely and you did a kind thing, unfortunately you can’t force people to be friendly. Move on and don’t take it personally.

Personally I will have a chat with a few of my neighbours but I don’t want to be friends with them and I would find it a bit intense if they started coming around with food all the time

I can't speak for their reasoning and nor can any of us on here, but just wanted to say, you sound awesome, can you be my neighbour?!

Aww sorry op. I would be hurt too. Unfortunately some people just click with others better. I would sincerely hope it's nothing to do with your background. It if helps to know - I'm white but my 2 closest friends on the street are my Asian Muslim neighbour (and the Asian family around the corner) rather than any of the white families. It's just that we click better somehow :)

I wouldn’t take it too personally, nor make it about race/religion. It’s crass and a bit unkind that they’ve seemingly befriended others instead of you when you made a lot of effort, but it’s not necessarily personal.

If your DC are at different schools and theirs socialize together more it could be that their DC get on and have more in common. Or it could just be they’re more in sync as adults.

I probably wouldn’t have kept taking food round; a one off as a kind thing to do to a new Mum is great, but unnecessary multiple times and may come across as a bit OTT to some people. I appreciate maybe it’s a cultural thing, but lots of people aren’t that into being close with neighbours.

Take a step back and concentrate on finding friends elsewhere.

Why on earth would it be ‘crass’ or ‘a bit unkind’ for them to befriend people other than the OP? It was absolutely kind of her to have them for lunch, but it’s not quid pro quo that the new neighbour has to be friends with the OP and her spouse because of lunch and gifts of food! You like who you like.

You sound lovely, OP. I'd be friends with you in real life.
I don't think white posters on here should be rushing in to defend these rude white neighbours. The whole "let's take race out of it" thing is really not helpful, and honestly it doesn't sit right coming from white people. You can't just take race out of it, it may be real, and it's not really for us to be telling the OP how to feel about it.

except that the OP's aibu is aibu to be hurt.

So, before you said you're the only Asian Muslim on the street, I was going to say you're being unreasonable and thought taking food round was perhaps OTT, too, and maybe they found it a bit much.

However, then realising you're Asian Muslim, I know that sharing food is simply one of the wonderful parts of your culture and it's not OTT / an attempt to insert yourself. Just some damn good human kindness.

My immediate reaction beyond that was to be concerned about potential racism but I'd hope, with people of our generation, we're past a lot of that (who doesn't have friends and colleagues of all different heritages?!).

One thing I would say is that, for my friends and I, pretty much all socialising involves a drink at some point. I like to be able to share a bottle of wine with a girlfriend and it just doesn't feel like an adult environment if that's definitely off the cards. I know some people will find that ridiculous but that's ok - we're all different. I'm also very much about equity and I really struggle to square the "independent woman" with some of the expectations of women in other cultures. For example, I worked with a lovely lady, some years ago, and asked her to come out after work with the group of us who frequently hung out but she said her Dad wouldn't let her. I just couldn't get my head around that - we were both professionals, in our 20s... I struggled to see her as an adult after that and realised I couldn't talk to her about normal "adult life" things because, ultimately, she wasn't allowed to be independent.

All of that said, if I was happy to wave the YABU flag when I assumed you're white (sorry for the assumption), then I guess it could simply be that YABU to expect to be included! Or, at least, there's no ill intention in you not being included.