AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

Oh no, I just clicked yabu by accident. You are definitely not being unreasonable. It’s common courtesy to return your invite. Especially as you were getting to know one another. It’s hard to know why she hasn’t. It could be any of the reasons you say. But even if it’s because she didn’t feel you clicked, then it’s too early on to make that judgment. Sorry OP. That’s disappointing.

My next door neighbours are originally from India and I love them and they’ve invited us to theirs but we’ve never reciprocated ( I’ve helped them in many other ways). It’s mainly because their house is pristine - my neighbour even wears a hairnet and gloves to cook and we have four dogs. I just don’t feel they’d be comfortable here.

Maybe she just feels she has more in common with the other mums and had had a better opportunity to explore that with the school situation too. It’s a shame as you sound lovely and I wish you were my neighbour as ours is a very anti social street but not everyone wants to be friends with everyone so not loads you can do.

I can understand why racism is creeping in your head but unless they are very creepy I don’t think they would have accepted your initial invites if they were. In some ways it was easier when people outright said these things to you, at least you knew where you stood and who they were. Outside of those kinds of things, we still need to be able to pick our own friends. Most of us aren’t going to gel with everyone.

I think you are just different personally and culturally. Your neighbours probably aren’t all the same either. Some people will back-up into the house when they see any other neighbour outside as they hate small talk etc. others will be happy chatting at the door / over the fence and inviting the other in for a cuppa and a biscuit.

The relationships that exist between the others have likely built up from going to the same school and doing the school runs together.

Read the room on the food sharing and reduce it if the culture around you isn’t the same. Some will find it lovely, others will be happy to just receive and others will be unhappy that they feel under pressure to reciprocate and dreading your next drop and having to return containers etc. They aren’t rude for that.

It is most likely the school connection. All the kids will be hanging around together.

I wouldn’t want someone I had recently met dropping food over. What sort of dishes do you take round?

I think a lot of Brits socialise over a beer or glass of wine. If you don’t drink alcohol that will affect friendships. I’m not saying that this is acceptable but I think most of us feel more relaxed after a few drinks.

I don’t think they should feel obligated to invite you over if they don’t want to.

You sound really lovely OP! Anyone who brings me food is a friend for life! I would love it.

I think this is linked to schools. People naturally make associations if children attend the same school…it’s common ground.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Sadly race / religion could be a factor just in terms of what people think they have in common. I work with people from a different culture / faith to me (God is very much in their general conversation) and, although I like my colleagues very much, there isn’t much common ground from which to build a more personal friendship.

I wish you well OP.

I'd love to be your neighbour!
I live next door to a British Muslim family and they give us Biryani on Eid. It's delicious.
I then return the Biryani tub filled with cake or noodles (I am half Chinese).
It's their loss. Focus on the people who appreciate you ❤️

I like to be on friendly terms with neighbours, but your initial response with all the food etc would make me feel a bit wary, it was too full on. The culture thing is probably only relevant because your culture sees the food thing as normal and the right thing to do, white British culture is a bit standoffish until they see the lie of the land.

They sound shit op and you sound lovely .I understand why you feel like you've being frozen out and I took would be thinking is race a issue . I hope you make friends with someone who appreciates your kindness and hospitality

Well it's their loss. You sound great and I wish you were my neighbour. Good neighbours really enhance life. Hopefully you can find some other local friends who appreciate you!

Yes I agree with this I'm afraid. Impossible to tell without knowing them if race is a factor but I would find this very claustrophobic. A lot of people can be a bit wary of getting into that sort of relationship with neighbours because you can't get away from them if it gets too intense or you find you don't actually like them. It sounds like the other friendship has just sprung up naturally through school and their kids'connections. You are kind of asking them to reciprocate something they never asked for, which isn't really fair, you're not automatically going to be friends just because of proximity.

OP, I guarantee it’s to do with their DC going to the same school. When people lead busy lives, particularly if both parents work, it’s natural to gravitate towards people where you are their friends and the DC are each other’s friends, too. I noticed that when my own DC changed school, so the friendships with various “school mums”, some of whom I’d been really quite close to and thought of as friends, just dropped off. Sadly, it’s just the way it is.

Over the years I have had several neighbours I barely know (say hello to in the street being the extent of our connection) bring prepared food round. It's always made me feel really awkward, though I accept with good grace, of course. Often we haven't even ended up eating it, and I have never consider reciprocating - it's not something I was brought up to do (other than for actual friends and family) and I wouldn't want to start / encourage something I don't want to be part of.

So possibly it's about the cultural differences - I'd advise you to stop giving food as you are likely making your neighbours feel awkward. Other than that, being involved with the same school is a massive connection for parents which just won't exist if your children go to a different school. I'd focus on the families there instead.

In any walk of life you need common ground to build friendships on. Neighbours can be friends but if the only thing you have in common is proximity, it isn't likely.

The OP is just considering it. That poster implied that she was jumping to saying racism was definitely the reason, which she certainly wasn’t.

I have lived next to the same neighbours for over 30 years, and we have never been in each other's houses - why would we? No fallout, say hello if see them on the street, or occasionally to discuss building work but, otherwise, there is no need to speak to them. Living next door to someone doesn't mean you're instantly going to be friends. We have friends, all over the country, so I'm not going to randomly attach myself to someone simply because of proximity. I feel you're massively overthinking this, OP.

You need to calm down a bit. The OP is just considering it as a factor.

It is perfectly normal for anyone if they’re feeling a bit ostracised, to try and work out why. Eg They may think is it because I am a single Mum? On benefits? Gay? Have five kids? Have three cars on the drive? It’s normal to analyse your situation a bit if you feel people are not welcoming. That’s all.

“ If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.”

Yes, don’t do this. Firstly, what might be nice to you is no guarantee to be nice to someone else. But more importantly they probably feel like they have to reciprocate, it would stress me out tbh.

Exactly. So she needs calm people on here to say 'no, that's just what British people are like'.

Not 'yes, it's racism'.

Literally one of the replies is:

It is probably a race thing. They see you as different. People tend to stick to what, and who, they know.

The advice on here is hilariously bad and it's what makes Mumsnet great!

Still laughing at ‘arm of friendship’ . Sorry, I missed the point but you sound really lovely OP. Come and move here, I will eat your food and be friends!

Honestly? I think you're on to something when you bring up that they are white and you're not.

How many people here have said it’s definitely racism?

And you clearly mockingly addressed the OP, which is unfair: ‘JFC your neighbours are racist..’.

And how would you rate your behaviour on the thread?

It don't think race or religion has anything to si with it at all.

2 things strike me from your post

1. you sound like you are coming on way too strong and it is coming across as a it needy and almost desperate.

2. it is natural that they will gravitate towards the people who's kids go to the same school especially if the kidsare in the same class. They probably already knew them and it is probably why they picked that house.

Why do you feel you need to be close friends with your neighbours? I know my current ones to say hi to and take the odd parcel in for them but we certainly aren't doing dinner parties etc.

I agree with @firstofallimadelight . I think it most likely those friendships have developed because their children are at the same school.

I understand why you are wondering if it might be because they are racist but I doubt they would have accepted your initial invitation if they were. It would have been easy to make an excuse and then been forever too busy; or just plain rude. But there may have been some cultural confusion or misunderstanding when you took them food. I am aware that in some cultures it isn't unusual to share food in that way - just because it is tasty and you think a neighbour might enjoy it. That is lovely and I wish it was more common. In other cultures food is only taken to someone's house in difficult times such as illness or bereavement. They may well have been wondering on earth why you were giving them part of your dinner.

It must be very disappointing that they haven't taken you up on your offer of friendship but try not to feel hurt and please do not let it alter your warm and generous approach to people. The world needs more people like you.