AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

Agree

Both of us have jobs where we are dealing with people in stressful situations all day
I just want peace and quiet when Im at home

They don’t sound ‘shit’ at all. They just sound like they don’t want to be friends with the OP and are signalling that. That doesn’t make the OP any less lovely. It simply means that not everyone will want to be friends with everyone.

Our Muslim neighbours always brought round food but stopped when my DH helped them following a burglary, dunno if they felt embarrassed or something. Now a new neighbour has moved in to the house between us, also Muslim, also have a 3 year old. I’m sure they’ll become close as they have more in common.

Being neighbours is awkward sometimes. We ‘adopted’ the old lady next door, she dogsat for us and was massively supportive, she was invited round for drinks/dinner very regularly, if she needed anything, we were always there, found her on the floor (twice ), called the ambulance and looked after her following her stroke. Conversely, old man 2 doors away has never been part of our lives and I think he gets annoyed but there’s just no connection there. Luckily, the original Muslim family has been great with him, taking him to appointments (we can’t, we work f/t), taking food round.

I reckon it’s not religion, it’s just connections, possibly usefulness. Bit like work colleagues, some will be friends forever, others you forget as soon as you move on. We’ve had neighbours for 20 years that we never socialise with, they’re our age, we see them if we need a witness to sign something or if they want something. Suits me.

that doesn't mean what you think it means

Very good. I'm not pandering to the nonsense that neighbours not turning up with food means they're racist.

I’m good friends with all my neighbours (small village life) but would feel very uncomfortable if one of them kept bringing food round. It would make me start wondering if I was expected to do the same. Also is it food that can be frozen or does or need it eating there and then? If it’s the latter I’d feel a bit annoyed that you were basically adding to my mental load. I cook a lot and have an allotment so often have lots to share. I always drop a message to the neighbour before dropping anything off - along the lines of “Hi X I have made too many biscuits/courgettes/sausage rolls do you want some. Won’t be offended if you say no “. That way they have a clear way to say they don’t want any. Most British people won’t tell you they don’t want something unless you give them a clear path to say they don’t.

I’m curious. Do you also like using the phrase ‘race card’?

Personally for me you sound overbearing as a neighbour. Not everyone wants to be that friendly with neighbours. It sounds like they may socialise because the children are friends and go to the same school

We had a very close relationship with our elderly next-door neighbours -- kids popping round as if they were grandparents, reciprocal pet-sitting, emergency help... After they moved to a care home, I went round to the new neighbour with chocolates and flowers, and said mildly that we looked forward to getting to know her.

The first thing she did was to put up a 6-foot fence between the two gardens 😂

Moved into a new house about 6 years ago, (Im a white brit) and I was friendly with all the neighbours. (All white Brits) All their children go to the same school but mine are a bit older and do not go to the same school.
I invited them over a couple of times for drinks etc but they politely declined as they were busy. I always send cards and give gifts at Christmas (they always reciprocate).
They are very friendly with the parents who do the school run with them (they go on holiday together) but really they are very surface level with me and mine- a quick 'hello' and nothing more.
They don't want to be friends with us and that's ok, I just get on with my day. I have lived in friendlier places with neighbours who were chatty and more on my wavelength but I think I just struck lucky.

What i'm saying is , it's not you, it's them, for whatever reason they don't have the space in their lives for you but you sound lovely and I wish you could be my neighbour.

I'd feel uncomfortable if someone I barely knew was bringing me food around regularly. Sorry, but you sound quite overbearing and I would probably avoid you if you were my neighbour.

I don't have any feelings about it.

You?

@13RidgmontRoad in my experience it will be this.

Sadly I have found mum/child related friendships are actually very transactional, even though the parents don’t consciously realise this. They make alliances with parents where it is easy to interact because school lifts, turntaking in attending brownies/scouts/football etc. The familial culture - ie a the boys are the the local football club or rugby club [and the dads join and prop up the bar during evening/weekend matches], all the girls go to the same dance or drama school in the village) means this ‘feels’ organic.

If your children don’t go to the same school, or do those same shared activities, this doesn’t happen. Thing is, even when it does, one day your kids joine different cricket clubs, give up brownies, move to a different secondary school because they have different needs, or some of the mothers return to work… and those ‘friendships’ you thought you had drop off and you realise the transactional nature of it all. The different schools, and possible different family culture [which will obviously have some roots in you being Muslim/Asian] can impact this, sadly.

Not sure what to suggest tbh other than not to take it personally, though that doesn’t help when you feel you and your children are unable to have the local social connections you might like. My husband found that joining a cricket club with my youngest helped - it’s international and crosses cultural boundaries, has coaching for girls, more accepting of muslim dads happily drinking coco cola at the bar during matches and the mums all helped with making cricket teas etc It meant there was community there (husband is British, but I came from an Iranian Muslim family where my uncles were cricket mad) that even I could access.

Relationships do feel more transitory these days, sadly. I’ve come to accept that and started reaching out only this week to old friends I knew before kids but have remained in contact with on FB to see if there is the old spark there. empty nesting from sept and aware that I no longer have a social network of any kind so kind of strting from scratch too. Sending a hug.

It could be because their kids are in the same school they talk about "kid stuff" - kids had a problem/whats new teacher like/how much are you sponsoring kid A/when is teacher training day again?/what day is sports day?/etc..

They have loads to talk about so likely got closer. Id invite them both again or suggest all taking kids to the park together. Tell them youre a bit lonely and if theyre feel over summer it would be nice to get the kids out

YANBU for how you feel, but I would consider more obvious reasons before worrying its racism or anything personal.

You sound lovely op and I wish I had you as a neighbour! I have several friends who are British Muslim descent and love the culture of sharing food and bringing gifts, although it took me a while to get used to it. Can I ask if you drink alcohol? It's shit to admit but I tend to avoid friendships with people that don't drink as I am an introvert and struggle to socialise without alcohol.

It might be cultural. I think it might depend not on you being Asian but possibly the extent to which you are religious? My exes were Sikh and Jewish which wasn’t a problem for me but the family of the Sikh was unbearable - pushing their culture constantly, trying to arrange a marriage for him (not to me!) etc etc. I personally would be friends with people of any ethnicity but I would have less in common with devoutly religious people as I am an atheist. I’m also a feminist so wouldn’t be matey with a man who made his wife cover up.

I'm sorry, OP. It is probably mostly due to their children going to school with the other neighbour's children and having more time and proximity with them via their children. It's also, imo, likely to include an element of your family being the sole minority family in the area as you say.

That said, I think they sound rude. You sound like a brilliant neighbour to have and I wish you were one of ours.

OP you sound lovely. I’d like you as a neighbour.

I’ve spent some time living in different places. The U.K. is a bit cooler than some I always thiink. Some people feel the same way about friendships with neighbours as they do about relationships at work - too risky to get too close in case of fallout from any dispute or difference of opinion that arises. Very awkward given no escape from ongoing physical proximity.

The other neighbour ‘friendships’ can be explained by utility - if kids at same school it’s useful to have neighbours going there too perhaps.

I hope you have or get some friendlier neighbours. We are lucky enough to be in a street with nice people. I’d say they are less than friends but - in some cases - more than acquaintances. For example, we all stepped up when elderly couple opposite had various crises.

Don’t be disheartened. As you’re lovely and well intentioned, it’s not your issue!

OP, you sound lovely, but I would drop the rope with these neighbours. Just keep interactions to a polite hello and that’s it.

There are people who don’t know how to interact with minority ethnic people / Muslims, it’s better to just be polite and ignore.

I think it's a bit of everything:

The fact that their children are in the same scool as the other families.
Could be because of the cuture difference.
I think you are trying too hard, and coming on as strong. It's like you want to force a something more than a casual friendship.

Also, its definitely that some people just click with some people and not others.

I have lovely neighbours, who will stop and chat but she's very friendly with the neighbours on the other side, where they visit each others houses. It doesn't bother me, its just the way it is with people.

You tried and you've realised they don't want something too intense so leave it at that.

I agree with this.
Please don't waste any time, over thinking this.
Definitely don't feel hurt over it. Why are you feeling hurt?

Its impossible to know for sure why they have not embraced you. Racism may play a part but probably less racism than cultural discomfort.

I’m sorry as this may sound harsh but I think you may have overdone it a bit with making food for them and inviting them over when you are heavily pregnant. To some people this comes across as a bit pressuring and guilt trippy. Not all but some British people can be quite uncomfortable with this: we prefer to feel that friendship is organic rather than something designed, if that makes sense.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong here though, I would chalk it up to experience.

It sounds like they have spent more time with the other neighbours because there kids go to the same school and built friendships. They will attend the same parties, play dates etc. Also some mums I have met invest a lot in school mum friendships but often have nothing in common other than there kids being in school together. This tends to fall apart when the kids are older and want to pick there own friends rather than having to spend time with "mums friends kids"

Sorry but you sound like the kind of neighbour I would only want to be on “good morning” terms with. Way too much.