AIBU to feel hurt that neighbours have not reciprocated friendship?

[Crazyymumof4]

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt?
When our new neighbours moved in, I invited them over along with a couple of the other neighbours and cooked everyone lunch. I was heavily pregnant at the time, but wanted to make them feel welcome.
Our babies are only about 8 weeks apart in age, and ever since then I’ve always been friendly. I’ve often said things like “we should have a coffee” or “we should get the babies together.” If I’ve cooked something nice, I’ve also often dropped some round for them.
Fast forward 9 months, and they’ve become really close with some of the other neighbours. Their children all go to the same school and are in the same class, whereas mine go to a different school. They have regular playdates, go to each other’s birthdays, and seem to do quite a lot together.
The thing that’s upset me isn’t that they’re friends with other people. It’s that they’ve never once invited me over, suggested meeting up, or made any effort to reciprocate after I welcomed them into my home. It feels like all the effort has come from me.
I’m also the only Asian Muslim family on the street, while the other neighbours are white. I honestly don’t know if that’s relevant, and I don’t want to assume it is. It could simply be that the school connection has brought them closer. But I’d be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.
Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, or would you feel the same?

So why would they accept the initial invite over for lunch then?

@Galantine I've never been racist - in the true sense of the word - and was part of various initiatives to reduce it. So I've had friends from various cultures. But cancel culture means I would not now make an effort with OP because I wouldnt know if she was going to one of the bullies who think any opinion other than their own is "racist".

Absolutely it might be a racism issue, but I don’t think anyone can determine that from what you’ve written.

What does seem to be at issue is a difference in expectations around what neighbours are and how they are supposed to behave and react. There may well be a cultural element to that but there may not. All people are different no matter whether they share a race or culture, and what some may see as lovely, friendly, neighbourly behaviour, others might see as incredibly overwhelming and pushy.

Personally, while I rather like my neighbour on one side of us, and we will keep an eye out on each other’s houses and such when away, take in post, and I’ve cut her lawn once or twice; I still do my best to avoid talking to her as she is retired and has no sense of time or that I might be in a rush and will happily keep me balancing a baby and bags of shopping on my front path while she chats away incessantly for ages. She takes no heed of my, ‘well I must get on…’s and such.
Neighbours on my other side or across the road might say hello once in a while, but I couldn’t tell you their names even. And I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. Back in my grandparents’ day they’d have known have the street quite well, but nowadays it’s not really a thing.

I’d find an invitation to dinner from a neighbour nice but a bit odd, and would be frantically thinking up excuses. I’d find having you turn up with food incredibly pushy and rather weird.

You can’t force friendships. Most people, especially by the time they have kids and stressful jobs and such, aren’t desperately seeking out friendships. I’ve been invited to dinner with colleagues and such and several occasions and, even if the evening was very lovely, unless there was an amazing coming together of mids and a great friendship was formed, I’m probably not going to go out of my way to build on that. Maybe once in a while, but it’s hardly going to be a life changing thing. I’m too busy and I’m perfectly happy with my circle and family. I might see another school mum if it’s a play date or something, and a coffee and chat will be nice, but I’m there because of our children.

It sounds rather, from your post, like you’re trying to build a community and have everyone popping in and out of each other’s houses and spending significant amounts of time with each other. I doubt even if they do like you, anyone else is massively up for such a full on thing.

As for the other neighbours’ children, they go to the same school so that’s a connection that your children lack.

Incidentally, there was another post on here some weeks ago when the OP was asking how to (politely) tell their neighbour to back off as they kept bringing food over and such, and while it was lovely the first time, it wasn’t wanted and felt completely overwhelming. I do wonder…

Also, I don’t mean to sound mean but the people who drop food round dont seem to realise their food does not taste nice. Always generous people that think they’re doing a favour but because no one has the heart to tell them they don’t like the food and don’t want it. So they may be avoiding you as they like you but maybe they don’t want your food. My neighbour makes a deal of dropping off her soup to us - it’s not nice and I can make much better myself. I’m not ill or in need of soup drop off so I find it very strange. I have to wash the the container and give it back and she probably thinks she did me a good turn

Also I would be making dinner and another neighbour would be at the door giving me fish, lots of bones and just not for me. No idea why they did they, they must think it tastes good but I do not want it.

Racism that only kicked in after the accepted the lunch invite?

I don’t think it’s that, it’s possibly the combination of frequent food giving with hints about getting together for coffee, or the babies meeting one another — I can see how it might make someone feel a bit obligated and pressured, hence reluctant to reciprocate with a coffee date in case the other person sees it as an invitation to a friendship they don’t want.

Again, worth reiterating that you don’t need a reason not to want to be friends with someone. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them, or you. The world is full of lovely people I don’t want to befriend, because friendship involves more than that. And obviously sometimes I really like someone I’ve just met, but they’re not that interested in me. And that’s slightly bruising, but fine.

Kids going to the same school will be the reason they are closer with the other neighbours, it'll be the convenience of it .

You sound a caring nice neighbour, I’d love you as a neighbour! It could be their kids go to same school and I think it sad and narrow minded to only befriend people that suit and benefit you in some way. I think it healthy for kids to have friends outside of school. If they are like this I wouldn’t want these people as friends, I hope you meet kinder people.

I have friends of different religions, races etc, I don’t care as long as they’re nice.

It’s impossible to say. It may be race/culture related or equally it may be that they just don’t see you as the kind of person they would be friends with (not suggesting there’s anything you’ve done wrong but perhaps they don’t ’click’ or feel that vibe).

I think sometimes people are friends during that kind of baby phase with people they wouldn’t usually be friends with, just for the shared experience of having a young baby, but as they grow and it becomes apparent they might not have chosen to be friends other than that, those friendships can kind of die off. Friendships built purely on having kids same age rarely weather the course.

I think it’s the school connection - it really is just the convenience.

I think a lot of Muslim families do this around Eid time where it’s probably a bit more acceptable to neighbours, and even welcomed, as a way of sharing the celebrations - like people might do at Christmas or people (even on Mumsnet!) often drop round Easter eggs for neighbours kids. But if the OP’s doing this on a random Tuesday and quite regularly then it’s a bit more uncomfortable.

I’d struggle if neighbors brought me food or invited me to dinner as it would feel like there is a condition or expectation to be friends which it seems like you have, this would have me backing off but I appreciate it’s lovely what you have done and I’m really shy and private

It was nice of you to invite them around, but I wouldn't expect reciprocation. Also I find it a bit odd that being in their lives matters so much to you. We've got good neighbours, a Whats App group for any emergencies, have the odd chat and that's about it. Sometimes being very friendly with neighbours can go wrong and there's expectation that you're there to solve all sorts of problems, when some would rather keep a distance. Your neighbours sound like they are friendly with others because kids go to the same school. They may not be friendly otherwise.

It’s hard to say why your neighbours can’t or don’t reciprocate. You sound nice and friendly and the taking food round, is a nice gesture I think. My parents neighbours are Muslim and regularly bring food round ( particularly during Eid). My parents love it, but don’t reciprocate ( think they help them in different ways).

Maybe take a step back. You will find your people, but they may not necessarily be living on your doorstep.

Best of luck OP.

Might be that when they socialise they’re drinking and assume you wouldn’t? Or don’t know what to cook for you to return the favour?
our Muslim neighbours were the absolute best I still miss them - we moved over a year ago - you are being kind and warm and I understand why you feel hurt but you haven’t done anything wrong maybe they’re just not your people x

You sound like a really lovely neighbour op. I’d love to live next door to you!

It might just be they aren’t very sociable or feel particularly close to the other neighbours for some reason. It’s probably nothing to do with you.

They might find extremely hospitable people overwhelming?

I’d like to think your ethnicity doesn’t come into it. But then I live in London where most people don’t tend to be racist so I really can’t say for certain. And I can see why you might be questioning this.

Just reading that bit of OP's post and dropping food round for them, I've got to agree with you. We have dropped food off for a neighbour who wanted it and was very vulnerable, but TBH I'd be pretty fed up if someone dropped off their leftover food just out of the blue. OP seems angry neighbours aren't responding the way she wants them to, but they never asked for any of this. I think if you want to do a good deed, do it, walk away, don't keep on doing it and don't expect anything.

I think you mean well and sound lovely, but inviting strangers over for lunch and randomly giving them food can come across as quite intense and overbearing, even if you don't mean it to be.

My ex husband comes from a culture where people do this a lot. We still get on well and he is constantly forcing food on us and I find it nice but a bit exhausting.

The food itself is usually lovely but its the expectation that we have to eat it (usually in place of the food we have paid for and prepared as part of our meal planning). And we are then endlessly asked if we have enjoyed it and expected to provide commentary on it afterwards. There’s a limit to my patience with being asked if I enjoyed a particular dish.

I don’t mind being given food, in fact I like it. Its the baggage of expectations that go with it and the slightly transactional approach to it (ie you have brought food so I am then obliged to do x).

I think it probably works well in some cultures. In my ex husband’s culture women generally don’t work after having children so managing the household and community is their role, so his mother spends a huge amount of time preparing meals and hanging out with neighbours. I work FT and don’t have time to do this, and any gesture which places me under an obligation to free up time I don’t have to spend with people who, however well intentioned and friendly, are not close friends, is another burden. Its just another thing to add to the endless to-do list.

I think its probably not a great thing to be this busy and distracted but this is the reality of many people’s lives today.

This is tough. It’s fine to be who you are, but other people may be different. I’m super private, and I am very introverted so my energy levels for other people are generally quite low. I’m therefore very selective about who I talk to and spend time with. Some days, just working used up everything I have.

I have neighbours who tried to get close immediately. I wasn’t interested. And this was before I knew anything about them. Since the start, however, they’ve asked numerous favours of us, and we’ve asked them nothing - and have taken up one offer of help with something that benefited them as much or more than it has us. I find them quite stifling, honestly, and the minimal interactions we have (and the favours I’ve done) are more than I’m comfortable with. Unlike you, however, they’ve not ‘thanked me’ in any way beyond a brief verbal thanks, for the favours we have done and I find that quite strange as some are, frankly, crossing into impeding on us.

Anyway, my point is that you’re making this personal and it really may not be.

I think perhaps it is your customs and culture that showing friendship is by bringing food round. An Indian neighbour does this and I make excuses as it feels overwhelming and I don’t like chilli ( or rather it doesn’t like me) This bringing round food unprompted isn’t something that is the norm to do unless you know the neighbour very well or they are sick or elderly.

Another factor maybe, is that you don’t drink alcohol and so they may feel uncomfortable to invite you round when they are having wine and beer.

The third factor is their children go to the same school so there have been more chances to build the friendship.

I would love someone bringing things round and being friendly. We had the most wonderful relationship with a neighbour who was like that and became a second grandma to mine and a lot of other kids on the street. She was a fantastic friend to me too and still would be if she was alive. I learned a lot about generosity from her.

I don't get why people always have to turn things around on the original poster on Mumsnet. You've been kind and generous and people shouldn't accept hospitality if they aren't willing to reciprocate at some stage. They could have politely declined and made their boundaries clear in a friendly/ friendly-but-distant way.

Obviously I don't know why your neighbours aren't being nice to you but I'd pull back to sone extent if I were you but hold your head up and keep being yourself. There will be people more worthy of your time and effort.

Exactly. I like my neighbours and will take parcels in, chat with them and lend them milk or whatever but I don’t want to be friends with them as if it goes tits up I will be stuck next to them until one of us moves.

I don't think people are "turning it around on her", just trying to explain why she might be making them feel uncomfortable. If a neighbour I didn't know decided to randomly give me food, I'd feel really awkward and throw it in the bin.