Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

The joke is on him because DC do not have less needs or time commitment in secondary school. Would you rather do a bath and bed routine and be done by 9pm or get a call at midnight asking for a lift from the back of beyond, go pick up a drunk kid who potentially will coat the inside of the car in vomit and wondering if drugs were taken at a party?

Has he financially supported all of you prior to your youngest starting secondary? If so I imagine he needs a break.

Are you older parents? I’ll be 36 when my youngest starts secondary school, I can’t imagine retiring at that age.

The secondary years have been far harder than the primary years in this house!!!

make sure he agrees to be primary parent before he realises!!

It was your choice to be a SAHM though. Your choice to do all the stuff you did. Are you regretting him not doing more?

Yeah if he’s retiring as the youngest starts secondary he can deal with all the teenage angst. There’s a lot of it,

a retired friend of mine went for day long bike rides to get away from the teenagers

He can assist with all the homework and revision.

I’m confused..would you not be happy your husband is able to retire? You must not like him much

Yes we are older parents. There is an age gap (him older) but not massive.

I experienced a bereavement and then unexpected inheritance which funded my years at home. I never intended to stay at home with them for as long as I did.

I get the point about lifts etc but the physical and mental drain of doing everything when they were little left it’s mark on me and now it feels like they are a bit more independent, he gets to chill out. I’ll still be working and tbh they will probably still call me before him even if he is retired.

That was in response to @CalmWriter

Yes if I’m honest.

It doesn't end when they start secondary! He can be responsible for:
Sorting their bus passes
Making sure lunch account is topped up
Filling out the endless consent forms
Parents evenings
Sorting their food tech ingredients
Concerts
Awards evenings
Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do it
GCSE options evening
Attending meetings if they go on overseas trips
Making payment for extra curriculars
Ferrying to extra curriculars

Many people I know retired early only to find it was too soon financially. They ran out of funds when it was too late to return to work. As a consequence, their last decade was pretty rough.

Lol at teenagers being less work. This is when parenting really begins.

Sounds like your support for each other is the issue not the retirement. If he doesn’t pull weight that’s not likely to change with the circumstances. So don’t be annoyed or surprised. Accept or change…

Possibly unpick what’s making you feel like this - he deserves a retirement too… if my DH didn’t have the stress of his job and he was around to help more with the kids I think it’d make a happier house all round!

I’ll still be working and tbh they will probably still call me before him even if he is retired.

You tell them to call him. Time for him to be primary parent. It will be a lot of work.

a retired friend of mine went for day long bike rides to get away from the teenagers
@Octavia64 this is what I am worried about! He will start a new hobby(ies) and leave me to deal with the day to day because he feels like he has done his part!

You think you've got it bad - DH has just retired in his early 50s. I'm older than him and haven't had any time on my own in retirement! And no, he isn't burnt out, he just has enough money to retire and can't be bothered working any more

although some teenagers aren’t a bother, many are far far harder than the golden years of 8-11 which are the easiest by far. Reframe this op, if he’s retired, he can do the midnight pickups, and the dealing with the far bigger problems than watching a sports day.

The train then to not call you first! When he is home he can take over the household stuff - he will be responsible for getting to and from school, filling in all forms, food shop, cleaning etc. All the stuff to used to do.

Allow him to make mistakes and don’t step in to correct them, he has to sort it out.

Then days when you are all off is a lot more enjoyable.

Primary age is hands on (I was a SAHM until my youngest was in year 6) but secondary isn’t hands off. Still a lot of active parenting needed.

op, someone asked this ipthread, but do you actually like your husband?

I liked him before he said the date 😆

You didn’t do all those things for your husband, you did them for your child.
My husband conveniently stepped down from his business 1 year after Covid and as my youngest was finishing primary. I had the best time with my kids during lockdown and he’s missed out on so much.

It’s your time now. Just offload it all on to him and do what you want - career, education, social, health.

You don’t put up with him opting out of parenting - if you are at work you refer the kids to their dad until they get it

you make it clear to him before he retires that he is retiring from his job - not his responsibilities as a parent - and that you expect him to step up and take on the mantle of default parent

You haven’t had any time alone in your retirement? So he should keep working when you aren’t? And if not, you’ll criticise him for “can’t be bothered working any more” when you are also not working?

Do you even like this man?