Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

When you say you used your inheritance - do you mean your DH didn’t contribute or you both put 50/50? Now you work how do the finances work?

Seems like the dates are coincidental OP as opposed to him deliberately choosing your perceived easier option.
Please don't let this ruin your marriage.
Your husband can pick up and share family and life admin. Please discuss this and don't allow your resentment to fester.

Make sure he does the chores and home admin

What a nonsensical attitude. Say cheerfully great I will be so happy not to do bus passes etc and will be really good for you to be hands on with the kids. What fucking relevance or logic is it for him to expect you to do it? You’re working. You did it when he was working. You’ve done it for multiple dc, it’s very much his turn.
you can always take him to counseling and say how you feel, since talking to him doesn’t seem to be your strong point. In your shoes him being the present parent would be a non negotiable to the point of he could leave if he felt too special to take his turn doing all the child organising.

but if you refuse to tell him how you feel then you can just sit there resenting him. Up to you.

She doesn't need to imagine it:

I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.

He is already 55 so can take early retirement without penalty (think police officer/fire brigade). I am younger and my pension pot is not as healthy and my inheritance was swallowed up in my sah years. I’m ok with working longer because I always knew that would be the case but the timing for me stings.

honestly most people would interpret this the exact opposite. His announcement has freed you, because of course he will be doing everything for the dc and lots around the home.

And school have him as the primary contact.

This is our plan, for DP to retire and be a SAHD when our eldest reaches secondary. I don’t understand what the problem is? I can’t imagine teenagers are easy, all those extra curricular sports and homework/ revision. Perhaps the problem is you’ve not been happy being a SAHM?

I’m 10 years younger than DH, he retired a few years back at 58. I was pleased for him, he didn’t particularly like his job, and had done it for a long time.
I continued with all the school / health (additional needs) stuff for DD, as I wanted to. I’ve never seen looking after my DD as a burden that needs offloading.
DH follows his hobbies, goes away with his friend .. also looks after the housework and the garden. I hope he’s enjoying a lazy retirement, he seems to be.
I’m still working, I enjoy my job, and have no plans to leave.

if he does, youre both working and it’s time for him to step up at home in his transition to retirement.
please grow a backbone here op.

I’m amazed he can afford to retire now since he couldn’t afford to support you as a sahm.

The issue is you’ve been two separate financial entities, you have put yourself in a hugely venerable position and now you’re jealous.
You used savings to fund staying out of the workforce at your own expense, while he stashed away his income for himself, and stashed far more of it than he ever could due to no childcare costs and now he can retire early while you start your pension savings now!

You have always been playing for different teams but for some reason you’ve only started to realise it.

If he is 55 its quite young to retire so I can understand why he woudnt have done it earlier!

Yes absolutely this!

Why does he get to retire from parenthood? When you weren't doing paid work you did all the parent work - and still contributed financially due to an inheritance.
When he isn't doing paid work but contributing passive income it's the same - he becomes default parent.

Presumably he knew what he was doing when conceiving children at whatever age he was 10 or 11 years ago and knew that meant at least 18 years of pulling his weight as a parent.

When the kids come and ask me or phone and ask me and its time for dh to pull his weight I say your dads the one to ask, you’ll have to phone him. Very easy.

She's clearly stated he's not planning on being a sahd but a pensioner who has also retired from parenting.

Yes this - you lost out on savings, and lost out on pension.
While he has saved what you have provided in free (to him) childcare.

OP, are you worried that he won’t step up and take over running the household with your youngest DC now that he’s retired?

If that’s the case, you need to make it EXPLICIT that it will become his job, and then you need to step back and let him do it. Don’t intervene. Don’t get involved. If your DC says ‘mum where’s my bus pass form’, ‘mum, I need money for XYZ’, you answer, like a broken record ‘ask your father’.
You arrive home from work and ask him sweetly, ‘what’s for dinner?’. Play dumb and ask him ‘when’s the next car insurance payment?’ Etc. etc. make it his responsibility.

Otherwise you’re going to be working, running the entire household and hating him more and more while he faffs about doing pottery classes and barista courses.

It was 50/50 because I used my inheritance to fund my half. I could have returned to work but I chose not to. Now we are mortgage free through both of us. He wouldn’t dispute this.

It sounds very much like she’s assuming. It is possible for him to have hobbies and be the SAHP. He will have a lot more free time while the DC are at school than he’s used to. They obviously need to have a discussion about how they share our responsibilities in light of his retirement.

You just need to make it very clear that when you were at home you did most of the child rearing / appts etc and hence you expect him to pick up that now that he will be at home and you are working . That includes the cooking / cleaning etc . This is fair , particularly as you used your inheritance to fund yourself being a SAHP and he wasn’t keeping you all with his salary .

No that’s not at all obvious. Are you really set on becoming a martyr?

Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do it That is absolutely not a parent job. The kids need to take responsibility for doing this themselves. That is such a helicopter parent thing to say.

OP you had the fun time. The concerts, assemblies and sports days - I wouldn’t have missed them for the world (I was part-time with a flexible contract, not a sahm). You are lucky to have had the good bit. He gets the boring and scary bit. And the lifts and the vomit in the car. I know whose role I’d have preferred.

But weren't you the lucky one getting to attend your little kids' sports days, concerts, etc.? I genuinely love all that for my primary aged kids - my eldest starts yr6 in Sept and I'm really sad at him only having 1 year of primary left. Yes, there can be a lot of school admin (which pretty much all falls to me) but surely that admin is still there at secondary school/teenage years?

As others have said, I dont expect parenting during secondary to be easier at all!..

I think you should be really chipper like others have said. Be delighted that he can now run the home, do lifts, cook dinner, do all the teenager sorting out. Tell him it's great news!

And be breezy. Off you go to work, drinks after if you fancy it, in and out, really busy. Then very tired on the weekend because you are working. Just in case he was thinking of hobbies and down time ...