Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

So surely you're resentment should be directed at yourself for making the decision to be a SAHM rather than at him?

Without sounding like an arse this isn’t a concern. Hence the fact that he could have retired a few years ago but didn’t.

He's at home, he gets to do the food shopping and meal planning. You don't have to think about what to cook. You just come home and your dinner is on the table and all the kid's requirements of vegetarian, super protein etc is all on him.

I did all this for our other DC. I can imagine he will expect it for the youngest too. And yes I could delegate to him but I did it for the others so the obvious course of action is for me to continue.

Secondary years are still very full on. Homework support, taking to activities. As they get older teaching to drive and uni open days.
If he is now the SAH parent it will free you up to work more or hobbies.

Well he’s been planning to retire, not quitting to be a stay at home dad so it seems largely irrelevant. Why would the end of primary be particularly different to early secondary?

Teenagers need their parents. They really do. So many parent get significantly hands off when their kids hit secondary and their kids do not achieve what they could with support.

You make very clear that he will be dealing with the parent app, school lunches, checking homework, responding to trip notices immediately, having dinner ready for after school and for you.

Does he have a good private pension? Those teenage and uni years are so expensive !

Did I miss how old he will be when he retires? If he's over 60 I think it's probably reasonable.

He's 10 fucking years younger than me! I'm drawing most of my pensions, he's living off savings (and my pensions)!

I guess this is the crux of it. He doesn’t see himself as now the sahp, he sees himself as retiring!

Do you want to still be the primary parent as well?

If not, have this conversation! There's no reason you need to lift a finger at home once he has retired. Make that pretty damn clear.

Let him do everything in the teenage years.

He benefitted from Ops labour as part of the family.

His turn now. If he doesn't already cook and clean he'd better learn, you are far too busy at your important job and trying to get promoted!

So you spent your inheritance on being a sahm? You lost on wages and career progression and you funded it all via your savings?
I know you would have had childcare costs otherwise but they would have been shared, presumably.

I think you need to say "I'm really looking forward to passing on the baton, it's been a tough X years but now I can see the light at the and of that to do list tunnel I'll admit I'm ready for it." Just act like it's obvious he will take those tasks on and pull him up on it if he doesn't.

You need to have the conversation or the resentment will tear your relationship apart

you can’t retire from being a husband and father

Thank you for saying this because this is probably where I am going wrong. He has positioned it to me as him retiring and therefore taking up new interests and chilling out. Perhaps now is the time for me to correct his thinking and pass over these jobs.

If I do that he may change his retirement date to +5 years !

Imagine being the parents of primary aged children whilst both working full time! Your description of your life for the past 11 years or so make it sound like it was horrendous, and yet it’s what many working parents dream of.
How old are both of you?

Retiring from working outside the home , not from life .Now he will be the SAHP with all that goes with it . You need to set out expectations from the start . He will be de facto parent now . Does he really thinks you will be making dinner when you come home from work when he's been there all day . Of course there will be days he won't be around if he does play golf , etc. but that can be scheduled for . And he will also be taxi man . Delivery acceptance man . Washing man.... It'll be great for you . If you set it out soon.

I was prepared to say YABU, until I read the circumstances. You're not a SAHM, you work AND do childcare and child admin. He just works. You know him better than us and you have realised he's carried on working up until now, as it means no childcare.

If he chose to have kids when he was already an old man, he should still be working to pay for them/and or looking after them.

The moment he suggests starting a weekend hobby, you drag those kids kicking and screaming to some kind of activity that takes place at the weekends. More than one activity if you can. Or make dad do a weekend activity with them. Give him the school HW app and make him stay on top of it.

This is why I posted because I need this advice! Yes I did use my inheritance to fund my time at home and I don’t regret that but it set the scene for their journey into education where I did everything. I felt like the youngest moving to secondary would be the green light for me to have more freedom and this ‘announcement’ has made me feel like I have no choice but to continue in my current role because he has retired.

How old is he mid 50's /early 60's ? He won't have time to laze around with teens in the house.
I had 7 and they were full on in the teen years. Really busy and there was no way I would have put up with their birth dad retiring and leaving it to me.
My h who took them on was brilliant and has only retired because of medical problems and the kids have all left home.

Yeah he is retiring from.work, not parenting.
You parented full time, then you worked and did all the kids life admin on top of working. You shouldn't have taken it all on but that's done now.
If he is not working he can take that load off you, just as you carried it all for him

If he goes for day ling bike rides she'll still be the one having to deal with emergency situations and lifts and drama and school issues - and cooking dinner and the housework - because he'll be conveniently hours away by bike. That doesn't sound like any kind of silver lining for the OP!

He'll do lots don't worry! Teens need many drops and pick ups too.
My husband has realised this as well.