Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

She wasn’t a sahm during the primary years

You need to nip any crazy lazy thinking of his in the bud!
"So great you can retire from paid employment, what a shame we can't both retire from parenting responsibilities hey! But it will be so great to have you be available full time like I have been all these years. When shall we meet to discuss the shifts in our responsibilities when you are retired?"

He might try and downplay everything you've done, in which case you can say he will find it easy then.

I feel so sad that your sacrifices are automatically being with with entitlement when he's getting a chance to make your life easier.

Honestly the teenage years were the hardest of my life & ds was a hard work baby who didn’t sleep through the night till age 3. The teenage years were on a totally different level. Secondary can be so much tougher than the younger years & yes I was a SAHM who then did a part time job and all the life admin.

I'd love if either one of us could afford to retire whilst DC are in secondary school. I feel like they need us as much now as they did when younger.

Many of us are both working full time and raising DCs - don’t have a choice to be a SAHM. Doing it all around the clock - working a tough day, commute then the drudgery evening shift where you try to manage / rebalance the emotional fall out of inconsistent or poor childcare provision.

That choice was a privilege - for you and your DCs.

You'll probably be glad you're still working if he's retired. Nightmare having a man under your feet all day at home.

Yes! He is considering himself as retired! A pensioner. That is the problem!

How many kids do you have?

But surely he couldn’t retire when things were more in the trenches, as you were a SAHP and he was probably not old enough. So I really don’t see the problem. Great that he can take on some of the load while you work

But he has been talking about it for years! Just decided recently that it would be September. When our youngest starts secondary school. He could quite easily carry on for another 5 years.

Checking on the app what homework they need to do and making sure they do

Is this really a thing for secondary school kids? Pretty sure I responsible for my own homework and there definitely wasn’t an app to keep track of it!

OP wasn’t a sahm when the kids were at school - only before. But she has taken all the parenting on and working as well as blowing through her inheritance

@PerfectTiming1 this makes no sense unless he's not doing his fair share of parenting.

Obviously now that's in the context of him working and you not, but going forward it would be the reverse.

So, you need to talk to him about it. What has he said? I don't blame him for being very excited to retire but I would've thought spending more time with/on the kids would be a bonus for him.

My OH will probably retire when our youngest starts secondary. I’ll be delighted if he can make that timing work to be honest. Everyone says the teenage years they need you even more so I’m glad he’ll be around more for them.

This, and more. Fo make sure he isn't thinking his retirement means lots of solo travelling and hobbies.

@PerfectTiming1there are loads of issues here, but please believe everyone who says that kids going to secondary/ become teens isn't an easier stage! It's definitely not. Maybe a quieter spell the first couple of years if you're lucky.
If I were you I'd get back to FT work and leave him to it!

This is a matter of completely subjective and personal opinion.

I had four teenagers at once for a year (now two are out of their teens) and work full time with teenagers and young adults.

Being the parent of a teenager (regardless of whether you work) is terrifying because you worry about them, but it's also a huge joy and privilege to spend time with them.

I'm the OP's partner's age but twelve years off retirement - I'd love to be able to spend more time with my teenagers, especially the youngest who could do with more support with school stuff. As it is we both work full time but my job is outside the house with no flexibility and DH can do 80% home office, so he's physically around by actively working - he does more lifts as he doesn't have a commute most days, but not once I'm home.

I was very part time when my children were very small and went full time when the youngest was four - small children not yet at nursery are charming but relentless - teens are definitely far, far fewer hours per day of full on parenting, and the worry is existential and nothing to do with who is home in the day.

Up to now nobody has vomited in my car since the small child car sickness days.

Yeah to be honest I think the primary school years were a breeze compared to the secondary school years!! The dramas, homework’s, GCSE’s, lifts here there and everywhere!!

No I wasn’t but I left my career choice and took a much lower paying job that allowed me the flexibility to be there for the DC. He did shift work, at times unreliable and he was never able to be the ‘default’ parent. As a result my pension pot is much lower and I wouldn’t be able to ‘retire’ at 55. Fair enough but I also wouldn’t be able to declare my retirement and swan off to hobbies and leave the parenting to him, even if I did have the funds.

Only if you continue to do it.

He won’t be working. So he does his share.

There's a lot of angst with teens but they don't need walked/driven to school like a primary school child and basically someone being with them all the time outside of school.

Yeah, he needs a reminder that he will be retiring from work, not parenting.

Have you both discussed your retirement plans - what your goals and plans are, finances etc, met with financial advisors, planned both your retirement dates?

You can’t go back in time, can you? Focus on the positives of him retiring now instead of brooding over what you wish had happened before.

Well he will be retired and therefore a pensioner, that doesn’t change the fact that he still has dependant children.

I think you’re dramatising here. You choose to be a sahm. He doesn’t need to compete with that, he was never a sahp during the early years and nothing changes that. You can’t resent him for thinking he has an easier life when you wanted and chose to be a sahm, don’t be a martyr.

The reality is he will have plenty of time for leisure and hobbies, as would anyone with teens in school all day! But then he will be the one there in the evenings while you are still combing home from work.