Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

Your funds should be joint. Surely you would decide between you what age each of you could retire at - assuming no ill health

University years don't necessarily need to be expensive if they live at home.

teach them not to call you first!

This is absolutely what you very, very clearly have to address.

Retirement from work isn't retirement from parenting - has he not noticed he has a year 6 child?

Be incredibly clear that retirement from parenting is not on the cards - retirement is from his paid job, that's up to him - and you expect him to do as much as you did whilst blowing through your inheritance as a self financed SAHM.

The complete freedom isn't possible until the youngest has finished school.

No one is a SAHP if their kids are at secondary school.

He's a housewife and default parent then 🧐 If he stays at home and is a parent to minors why do you get to unilaterally declare that he isn't a sahp?

I can't get my head round the idea that a healthy 55 year old would consider himself 'retired' from all duties including most of the parenting - watching it go on around him day to day and just picking up his newspaper or hopping off to a golf game. This is just ludicrous.

Most retired people have adult children!

I have a 14 and 12 year old and its been the most exhausting bit of parenting for me! Year 7 onwards is just absolutely relentless parenting - you are still cooking/cleaning/ driving around/organising sports/ activities/ worrying about them/dealing with school

I can't imagine how familyi life would work if one adult just felt none of it was anything to do with him. Apart from anything its completely selfish and bizarre.

Well, the nature of retirement is that it kinda happens as your kids get older...

Hasn’t the money been more important than kiddie sports day? I rarely made my son’s school stuff as I had to earn money

Not usually when they're 11 years old though.

Not for women these days anyway. Most people don't get to retire anywhere near as early as the OP's partner any more, and vanishingly few women have a baby in their 50s...

I think that’s the tradeoff to being an older parent - there are positives but you are still an active parent at an age many would be settling into hobbies and travelling and such. If your youngest is 10 or so, he has another decade of parenting ahead of him. Just like you took on the primary care burden when he was working and you were home, he can now take on this role now that it’s the opposite.

I would personally start passing things over in a very deliberate way. ‘Oh! I’ll contact the school to update everything to your number’, ‘oh, here’s the weekly activity / lift schedule. Make sure you get Ben to football for 7pm, I’ll be just back from work then’ or whatever. Presumably he’ll be doing the cooking and such too so bring that up a lot.

I think it’s obvious that you should also experience the benefits to a stay at home parent that he enjoyed for many years. He has a bonus that you carried on doing this even after getting a job. Now it’s flipped around - ideal time for you to focus on your career and he can focus on the house responsibilities.

You say it's not a parent's job but I suppose that comes down to how you approach parenting.

Some kids struggle with organising themselves and motivation; this can be particularly difficult in Year 7 when they're still adjusting to the demands of secondary. Some kids are neurodivergent and struggle with organisation. I don't think there's any harm in checking an app to see they've done what's due and giving them a gentle reminder if needs be.

No, the obvious course of action is the retired parent doing it, surely? Just make sure he knows it's going to be his responsibility!

You just need to make clear he’s not retiring from parenting and household responsibilities. In fact he’ll be doing the bulk of it.

DH doesn’t have a job but he does everything else and I mean everything. It works for us.

He’s about to become a teenagers personal uber lol

Funds are not completely joint, which I guess is part of the problem. Can they ever be when one person retires?

Our mortgage is repaid. We obviously have bills to be paid but our working status is individual. I don’t mind working while he retires. What I do mind is the expectation that I will continue to be the default parent.

I don't know much about money, but this makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm shocked at the financial arrangements of your marriage. It's obviously very unfair. You've missed out on building your own retirement pot. He should be giving you the difference.

@PerfectTiming1 how is paying 50/50 fair as a full time SAHP when you’re losing out on pension contributions and saving the family child care costs???? Not saying you shouldn’t have been contributing at all if you could afford to but the majority of fully SAHP have their contribution being the physical work they do for the family instead of the financial one.

Also he is retiring from work, not family life/parenting. It’s no different to when you were the SAHP, you weren’t working outside the home but you were contributing. If he doesn’t pick up the slack you’ll be so resentful, it could seriously undermine your relationship.

Your problem is he’s unilaterally decided to retire - have you had any discussions about finances, what he will do when he’s not working, when you might retire, if you are going to focus on your career. It’s bizarre for a married couple not to discuss this stuff. My DH and I are planning to both retire by 58 - we are both 54 but have been talking about this with our financial advisor for the last 5 years. He basically sees you as a support human doesn’t he.

he can have hobbies during school
hours you have hobbies at weekends

I highly doubt he will do this, but for most children, the secondary school day is longer, and they get there on their own steam so are out of the house longer.

Even after all these years I'm still taken aback by just how intensely some mumsnet posters despise men.

The "Retirement" is from day to day full time work. It is not from being a parent ever. Once a parent always a parent, whether good or bad, till the day you die!

I think the crucial question is how old will he be? If 60 fair enough, if 50 i would think like you do