AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I admit I would find this frustrating. Those step counts are just normal days for me, I’m very used to walking, so having to get taxis for pretty normal distances would be very odd to me. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be visibly annoyed but I don’t know. Obviously if someone had a health condition that’s one thing, but if someone was so physically unfit they couldn’t walk normal distances, I wouldn’t think we would be compatible on a holiday really. It would curtail my enjoyment of it. I think if one person is in good shape and the other isn’t, it leads to awkward situations like this.

OP asked to take taxis in between sights, not one taxi at the end.

She hasn't mentioned that he was cross at walking on his own, just that he didn't want to take taxis in between. It seems to be OP who was annoyed to be at a café alone and the he had not agreed to the taxis.

She did suggest a taxi . 4th paragraph down in original post

It's a good wake up call on your fitness. At 28 with no disabilities you should be able to walk 15-25k steps a day without much fatigue. Tackle it now, it gets so much harder as you get older.

Are you a smoker?

If he's nearly a foot taller than you, he is likely to walk faster so he should be considerate about pace.

You weren't getting no exercise if you worked in a pub! I bet you were doing more steps than OP did on holiday.

That's bonkers, age 30 is basically bang in the middle of your healthiest adult years.

No I don't do a lot of walking and my job isn't active so I know thats a problem.

We go on days out and stuff that involves walking which I can manage, but longer distances are hard, and doing 4 days where it was quite warm was a lot.

Tbh, I’d have got a taxi to the next destination, and waited for him in a bar, if he didn’t want to join me. Best of both worlds.

I'm not a smoker but just carrying a lot more weight than I should be.

This. It's shocking how many people are obese.

If your looking for honest response, your steps are 50k in 4 days, not much higher than what your supposed to be walking, if your stopping and starting too it's not sounding tough.....
Your feeling sad how your needs where not met during the holiday, your partner might feel that discussing it well in advance, talking about a walking holiday, you saying you had no problems with it in advance, suddenly on the holiday have a problem, which becomes a him problem ,could be seen as not taking his needs/wants into consideration and expecting the walking part of holiday to be dropped cause you haven't thought through your capacity or faced up to weight issues which are holding you back. You could blame him or look at what you could do to feel healthier, more involved in planning holidays.
No judgement, I have felt similar but toughest lesson to learn is your weight issues are yours, they are very tangled up in self esteem, relationships.
Gain confidence to say, I would love to come, but have only few hrs walking a day in me at this moment, you can continue on and I will get you back at hotel, set realistic expectations as you gain fitness, which really is the most important part I this. Good luck

Lisbon is a series of massive hills with a trolley tram system specifically designed to get people up and down them! Didn’t you ride the trams?
We also did one of the hop on, hop off tourist buses which was great and did cut down on the walking and you still see loads of things from the bus. Why did it have to be taxis @georgiexox?

Those are just normal step counts, so doesn't sound a huge amount of walking. When we do holidays like what you describe we're at 20-25k steps a day.

As others have said it's not necessarily about your weight but your overall fitness which seems very low if this number of steps has exhausted you.

To be honest I’d have got sore feet and achy walking around a city all day. I’m an active person, love running in the mountains and biking. But there’s something about flat, hard concrete that makes me ache

Yeah we did the trams and the metro a bit, but he wanted to do a lot of the walking.

It was very hot last week and Lisbon is hilly. Even when I was much younger and fitter I would not have wanted to do that sort of step count in that weather.

OK. The number of steps you did really isn't that high spread over a day so as you say, you need to improve on your fitness.

I've been the overweight person doing that number of steps though and I know how painful it can be. I could walk that now without thinking about it, but then? No.

So yes, he should have been more understanding. Just because you knew you'd be walking before you went, didn't mean that you knew how hard you'd find it - if you don't normally walk much, how can you possibly? If you or he had twisted an ankle, it would be a very different story. I don't think he was very kind or understanding. It's fine to be disappointed - but I'd have kept that on the inside.

Tbf Lisbon is a hilly city and it was probably over 30 degrees. I wouldn't have enjoyed walking around either and I'm not overweight. I also find city breaks much more tiring than doing the same amount of walking rurally, it must be the combination of hard ground, plus if you go to museums you stand around a lot, so still on your feet even when not walking.

OK I just clocked the weather. Your boyfriend is mad to want to walk a hilly city during a heatwave and v v unreasonable to be a whiny bitch that you couldn't.

There's a reason that it's largely men that go missing on big walks in foreign countries and are found dead and burned to frazzles in ravines with no hat, water, sunscreen or phones.

Obesity is not measured by dress size, nor is any other weight class. Dress size is becoming more meaningless by the day; it's totally inconsistent, changes with the style or personal build and isn't a measure of anything except what label you need to find clothes in a certain brand and it's frequently inconsistent within brands too. It really is completely irrelevant to the discussion. BMI is a blunt tool but it's a good rule of thumb, far more reliable than dress size and it's the measure by which weight categories are actually defined.

Depends on how hot it was and how far you were walking and for how long.

Also, I find it more exhausting to do stop/start walking all day than I do non-stop and for some reason I find walking round galleries particularly exhausting in a way I do not to be the case if walking outside, for example.

And sometimes holidays just bring out the exhaustion in me.

i am fit and not overweight. The point I make is that there are just so many variables here.

You can't really expect your partner to have a better idea of your fitness level than you do- you must have thought you could cope, but you couldn't. I think you just need to apologise, and rethink your fitness- it's not so much about your weight as your fitness level , you could be slimmer and still not up to thw walking everywhere. I understand your DH being disappointed, I don't think he was particularly judgemental, just disappointed-you can't blame him for that.
I wouldn't have ordered lots of taxis just to make you feel better about making a big mistake.

Exactly. Hilly. Over 30 degrees. Only a week ago the UK was over 30 degrees and hot and people were moaning about the heat and about having to be careful about exercise etc. Now they are posting like the OP has a major character flaw for being overweight (whatever that might mean as we don't know) and for not being used to strenuous walks.

As I keep saying to my fat-shaming mother- weight is not an indicator of worth. Nor is being overweight or unfit an indicator of a person who is not worthy of consideration and respect - from the eprson who is supposed to care about them the most.

OP I suspect if you’d not mentioned your weight people would have been generally more sympathetic.

I’m slim, relatively fit and since I had my first DC in my 20s I’ve struggled with hip, back and shoulder pain when walking. Meandering walks on city breaks are the absolute worst.

unless we’re staying right in the middle of things (which is my preference) my agreement with DH is that we taxi to and from primary location. I’m happy to wander round, but need to know I can stop and have a break and won’t have to trek home once I’m already uncomfortable.

weirdly actually going out for a hike is easier.

Few years ago twisted ankle on way to accomodation on city break - DH was in mad rush and I didn't have best shoes on - though could do 45 min walk in and out of center and round shops in them..

I was very upset how little accomodation DH made for me - I was left in tears and in pain or sat out of things- the kids teens were more sympathetic. It was all day on our feets and walking miles - if he'd just slowed down it would have been a huge help.

We recently went back much more central location - and teens early adult kids were also vocal about DH rushing up hills with cases or dragging us round endlessly. Also now spend money on walking trainers.

Made me realise it wasn't "me" there were some unreasonable expectations- we all walk a lot but all day on feet is hard.

My FIl can walk miles and mils up mountains - lives near peak district- but struggles walking round cities - say it's the concrete/pavements.

I'd have hoped saying it was unfortunately walking too much and could we cut down some of the walking that would have been listened to in your place