AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

@Kallos

I understand that you embarrassed yourself upthread. Reacting by searching my other threads and bringing content back here is unhinged.

Altering the content to bolster your position is dishonest.

Engage on the old thread or engage on the substance of this thread but derailing the OPs thread about a RELATIONSHIP issue for some apparent personal vendetta against me because you’re embarrassed is stalkerish, weird and frankly a bit creepy.

I don’t understand your issue with your boyfriend. You’ve said he wasn’t nasty, just disappointed.

I would be disappointed too if my 20-something year old partner had to sit in cafes on holiday because she was unable to walk and go sightseeing. You are in the prime of your life, and it’s obviously something he wanted to do with you.

In fact, after a short relationship, I’d consider us incompatible and and the relationship

Sorry to sound so blunt!

I get this kind of behaviour from my overweight 60 something in laws and it bugs me enough. Not surprised he’s disappointed at a 20 something who should be in the prime of their life unable to walk around and explore.

I am not significantly overweight, but I get plantar fasciitis and lower back pain with more than 20 minutes of walking. The PF can be very, very painful, and yes, I do the exercises, have the right shoes and eat a good diet.
i also have other health problems, but my point is that it isn’t automatically a matter body weight.

I was just putting OP’s figures in context. That level of walking is not excessive.

But I agree that there’s no reason why taxis could not have been taken.

I ve also recently had plantar fasciitis- it’s much better now, and as well as the stretching exercises - especially dropping the heel section of both feet off the bottom step one which really helps- I’ve also frozen a 500 ml bottle of water which I use to do the rolling pin/ freezing treatment in one go. That has definitely helped. I’ve walked for hours today using my orthotics i side regular trainers with no problems.

Have you even read the post?! She says what his response was!! And then instead of getting a taxi he went without her.

Sorry op, that’s really not that many steps at all. I regularly hit these numbers on my normal working day and until recently I was very overweight (bmi 29). With this amount of walking I’d be very very annoyed if my partner suggested a taxi which would take away from the holiday. I was expecting you to say 25/30k steps per day!

Totally agree. I have a high BMI, I would be fine with the step count that OP describes and I have also walked all over Lisbon at 10 years older and managed it fine. My BFF is another matter, they are average BMI and have a number of back and joint issues that made it difficult for them. So no it’s not always a weight thing.

Are people being this obtuse on purpose? She did walk around and explore! After a few days of this she wanted a break for a little while, that's all. She didn't go there and spend the whole time trying to lounge in cafes. She'd done plenty of walking and sightseeing and to be honest, too much of any one thing gets boring after a while. Even sitting in a cafe eating cake. However taking a little break from the thing they'd spent spent the whole time doing up to that point is not a moral failing, overweight and in pain or not.

I interpret your husband’s reaction on this occasion as a sign that he’s gradually getting pissed off with you and your weight (and presumably shape) problem as well as your apparent inability to get a grip and bring it under control. Thinking of your health for a moment … if you’re struggling to walk for any length of time … YOU have a problem. All manner of horrid medical ailments are ahead of you if you don’t sort yourself out now. It’s understandable that you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself after what happened, but treat it as a wake-up call. As a couple you sound like a great match. You’re obviously articulate and intelligent from the manner in which you’ve told us your story. And btw, your DH isn’t ‘naturally slim’, he simply has more self-respect and more self-control about how much goes over his gullet than you do at the moment. So, forget any images of ever becoming cat-walk skinny. NOBODY wants that for you. You’ve ‘tried’ to lose some weight, but failed. Are you a quitter then? Try harder girl! Be honest with yourself, WHY did you fail? Sort it out - whether it’s doing steps, joining a slimming club, getting a PT, fasting or whatever. Just start - and stick with it. Enlist your DH’s support if you like - but ultimately this is all about you. It’s for yourself, your health and your inner wellbeing. Go for it! And come back to share every little success story you have with the rest of us who struggle too. Best wishes.

It might be your footwear that didn't help with walking even if comfy. I have found when I do a lot of walking in the summer my feet get hot and ache if it's warm and I am wearing trainers, even breathable ones. If I wear comfortable sandals I find I can walk all day. I would suggest a pair with a good footbed that are cushioned when you walk. Fitflop are my current favourites and they have a sale on at the moment.

She didn't though. She did a few thousand steps every day! I walk about 8000 steps everyday in work, just moving around. You'd expect to be doing 20000+ when sight seeing.

I've posted once already as I empathise with walking on heat, hills and hot weather on hard surfaces.

However, if I were the partner (as much as OP is also thinking this) I'd be wondering what future trips would look like. Trip to Thailand...can OP get in and out of boats, med beach holiday can OP manage a day trip with swimming, Christmas Market will the walking be an issue again.
I fully get compromise and have been there myself when I've had foot and back issues and been fat (same and different time issues). At 28 I'd be wanting to make the most of every trip so I understand partner being naffed off. However looking to the future hopefully they can find compromise and things work out.

I dont think you ABU but it must have been disappointing for him too. If you really found it a struggle then I think you should try to lose some weight, for your own health.

I think it’s a bit of both here. I understand why he’d be disappointed, but I think there’s a better alternative than leaving you in a cafe so he can go off and do what he wants while you miss out.

Me and my DP do a lot of exploring, he loves to walk around and see things and we do it together. On a recent trip for my 40th we did a city break and my phone is reporting 17,318, 20,942 and 16,436 on consecutive days. I’d say that’s very normal for us on holiday. But if one day I said I wasn’t up to it, or could we get a bus, he wouldn’t just go without me instead. He’s willing to compromise because to him it’s more important that we do things together than what he might miss out on inbetween.

It also depends on the exact context. Did you wait behind while he briefly went off to do something that could only be enjoyed via walking (say, a specific foot path?) or did he leave you behind to go to a museum or landmark that you could have got to via public transport? I think that makes a difference too.

Sorry OP, but just over 10k steps per day isn’t really that much and I do think your boyfriend is right, you discover so many hidden little gems walking. You had taken the break intending on walking. As such he had a right to convey his disappointment and that is better than letting it fester. That said I don’t think compromise on the last day so you could both continue sightseeing would have hurt either.

I think the best thing is to take this for the wake up call that it is. When you finish work each day get out for a walk, every day, without fail. You don’t have to be super skinny to be fit, but you do need to be fit for the benefit of your own long term prospects.

Honestly @georgiexox I don't think your boyfriend is very nice at all. You've been big since you met him and he must know you're not very fit. Instead of compromising with you on holiday, he charged ahead doing his thing leaving you behind in a cafe. That's not a partnership.

There's also ways to encourage you to lose weight and get fit, things you can do together, things he can help you with.

I'd ditch him and then work on yourself. I've recently discovered cycling (online), met loads of new people, been encouraged from zero fitness (I'm in my late 40s with a BMI of 37 when I started). I've dropped 2 stone, BMI is 35 and I'm the most fit I've been since childhood. Find something you enjoy, make some new activity friends and hopefully find someone that is proud of your journey and wants to help you improve.

I get a lot of lower back pain and painful feet when walking and found out recently I had fibromyalgia which explained a lot of things going on with me.
My partner and I recently had a trip to Poland and he is one for wanting to shun public transport and walk absolutely everywhere. My pedometer showed that I walked 78.5 miles in 8 days though so I think I did good! Could you potentially have something like fibromyalgia OP? I'm 5 ft 2" and a bit overweight and I find my partner's fast stride harder on my fibromyalgia.

So Op, what are your plans moving forwards both with regards to your health / weight and your relationship and future holidays together?

In the heat and uphill? I live in Spain. We had a heatwave here in Southern Europe while the OP was in Lisbon last week. It was too fucking hot and while we all got on with work as we had to, aside from that most people were trying to stay inside in the aircon, chilling. Only the most militant tourists thought thousands of steps over the day was a good idea and I would have laughed at anyone even suggesting it. Get a grip.

Well good for you. Are you sure it’s not 10 children? I’m fit and healthy despite working full time in a desk job with 3 active kids and love walking holidays, but the step count the op gave is a LOT for an overweight unfit woman. This is what she said - Day 1 - 12134, day 2 - 16092, day 3 - 8932, day 4 - 13019
I went out with my kids, did other things and ran 10k today but 1. My step count is only 13k, and 2. The op must be more than twice my weight, literally. That’s a lot to carry.
When young I went hiking with a 25kg bag, so half my body weight, and it was an effort getting it up on my shoulders. I took it off for some climbing bits and my friends passed it up until a few days in when we’d eaten enough that it was lighter, then some friends got tummy bugs from the water and I piled their stuff in as they couldn’t carry it so the weight went back up there. It’s a lot. Go pick up a 40kg bag, hike 30,000 steps, reflect that you’re also much fitter than the op so it’s easier for you and your muscles won’t be anywhere near as sore for equivalent work, and stop being so incredibly judgey.

also make sure it’s a hot day, that makes a big difference. I wouldn’t do that hike with that weight bag today as while I weigh similarly I’m not that level of strength and fitness, it would be exhausting, and it was cold rather than 30 degrees.