AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

So sorry OP he should not have left you and got a bus, train or taxi instead. My partner would not have left me. He has his faults but he’d not do that.

also be gentle to yourself. Weight and fitness is a verypersonal thing. Blaming yourself is not going to help it will just make you feel worse.

I’m a lot bigger than I used to be due to a disability. On good days I can walk if it’s flat, in between days limp for a little while if I’m lucky , bad days not even be able to manage the stairs or stand to cook.

But I’m still kind to my body and thankful that I’m not in a wheel chair as I was warned pre op that I could be. I had to go through a year of physio to be able to stand properly again so I’m just thankful. even though anyone else glancing over at me on the street probably just thinks I’m lazy and unfit. I do see the looks.

Yeah of course, i'd have loved to have done all the walking and I thought i'd be able to. It's definitely been a wake up call.

I think people get so psyched up for holidays and so much planning and money goes into them that everyone is a bit irrational and unreasonable when things don’t go their way

When you suggested a taxi, did he just respond with a “no” and that was that?

perhaps he could have walked to wherever going ie the museum and you meet him there having got a taxi?

I'm sorry OP, but having been in your OH boots, I get HIS frustration. It looks like your holiday was a short city break where the whole point is trying to see as many things as can be in a short time.

It's very frustrating to be with someone who is so unfit they can't cope with the walking. However, for you to then make it that he's unreasonable is totally unfair. If you are annoyed that his expectation was to walk on what is a walking break, you need to really rethink how unfit you are and doing something about it or accept he goes alone on this sort of break.

I've just had a look. Day 1 - 12134, day 2 - 16092, day 3 - 8932, day 4 - 13019

Aaah. That does make a difference op.
1 of his strides is the equivalent to 2 (or more) of yours.
My lovely wee husband had short legs and we learned long ago we couldn't walk together at all.
I'm a brisk strider-outer and he was a slow, meanderer.
We got round it by setting off together, splitting up (usually after 20 seconds!) and meeting up at our final destination.

It sounds upsetting and frustrating on both sides. However, at my heaviest I was 14 stone and able to walk 13+ miles in a day without issues, so it might be that you can deal with your fitness in addition to/separately from your weight?

I did really struggle with overheating when I was that overweight though, and I can tell the difference massively between 11 stone, 12 stone and 14 stone, getting hotter with every bit of extra weight.

To be fair walking 20k+ steps several days on the bounce would have done me in, and I’m not overweight.

It’s perfectly reasonable to use taxis, and selfish of him for not considering it. Not everyone will share his fitness level or desire to walk for hours upon hours.

I honestly thought you were going to say 20-30k steps per day (this is what I did on my city break to Seville). It’s good you consider this trip a wake up call, because it appears that your fitness could certainly be improved. How old are you both?

Morbidly obese is a BMI of 40 or above. The average woman is most certainly not morbidly obese.

I have spent the last two years trying to remove myself from that category (5 kg to go) and I assure you, I am very much larger than the majority of people.

Have you pointed out to him that you are taking many more steps than him, so working hard? DH tends to stride off at high speed. I keep up, but get exhausted much faster than if I set the pace.

Who sets the pace for the walking?

Lisbon, such a stunning place! 😍

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance.

You guys deliberately chose a city holiday and planned to walk. It turns out you weren't physically up to it. Sure he's disappointed, you both deliberately picked this type of holiday.

You compromised with you sitting at a cafe while he went out and that's fine. I think expecting him to use costly taxis was unreasonable.

Time to start doing more walking. Maybe get a walking pad.

Yeah i know my fitness needs a lot of work.

I'm 28 and he's 30

You aren't locked at the hip 24/7, what's wrong with you being in a cafe while he went somewhere else on his own? Don't fall into that co-dependent trap.

DH is 6 foot 2 and i am 5 foot. I can't keep up with him at all, even when i was running half marathons in my 30s. He always keeps to my pace- even now when I am riddled with arthritis and fibromylagia and although he is 20 years older than me I find walking incredibly difficult and sometimes have to use a stick. He always says 'The best holiday is when everyone paces to suit the one who finds it most difficult'.

THAT is a partner. I often sit for a bit and have a quiet drink with our disabled DS1 while he and our DS2 sprints around the countryside. He never shames us, and we never expect him to be limited by us, although I know at times we wish it were different.

If you were walking those distances then you are not disablingly unfit, unlike me. His expectations are different and he sounds intolerant and an arse

They went on a holiday for which she was involved in the organisation, she knew there was lots of walking and she didn’t ensure she was ready for that. I think it’s on her, not him.

It’s perfectly reasonable to use taxis, and selfish of him for not considering it.

But why can't OP just get a taxi, if that's what she wanted? I think if i was wanting to walk around (barely over 10k steps per day, or less, according to OPs phone), and my partner decided to do something else that's one thing. If my partner expected me to hail a taxi and accompany them to sit down in a cafe, I'd be annoyed.

Oh. That's not very much to unusually excessive for you. My week looks fairly similar and I've been at work all week, thinking I haven't done much exercise at all.

It's too late now, but hopefully some motivation to get yourself sorted, and not just your weight.

Also perhaps to review the realtionship if he's not as compassionate as you'd like. It could be a blessing in disguise to know now?

Walking up a hill in Lisbon I was overtaken by a much older woman using a Zimmer frame. I didn't think I was particularly unfit before, but I did after that!

His preference doesn't outweigh yours. He should have been willing to compromise.

I'd have let him walk, got a taxi and met him there!

My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

So do you ever walk together at all?

I enjoy walking more than my husband but when we had a city break recently we did 7kms on the first afternoon.

But a slow mooch looking at things on the way.

That’s not that many steps at all for a city break. Certainly shouldn’t have made your legs and back ache. I do more than that on an average day at work, and my job is largely sedentary (I walk too and from work though).

Well I know people who are far more overweight than I am who are also much fitter than I am. The height difference in this case is going to be a factor. That step count isn't huge but if your activity level is usually a lot lower, or if a lot of it was uphill and if it was very hot outside then yes, this could easily have been very difficult for you. I have EDS and that step count would leave my joints struggling. There's more to this than weight.