AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

Not morbidly obese but obese.

You only have to look at people on the street to realise that over half the population is obese!

Did you not chat beforehand? I do think it’s sort of on you sorry, only in that you didn’t realise you wouldn’t be able to do it.
I’d take it as a wake up call too, you’re 28 and those aren’t a huge number of steps. I’m 48 and did double that in Iceland in difficult weather conditions. I’m also not small or particularly fit, I don’t go to the gym or anything.

That said, he should also have realised that he’s taller and fitter and that you were struggling. It wouldn’t hurt get the odd taxi, even if only part of the way or on the way back perhaps.

I’d take it on the chin and look to increase my fitness and improve my health going forward. It’s a blip that’s all.

Ultimately, it was okay to say you were tired and preferred to sit at a café whilst he did more exploring, but not to expect him to bypass his enjoyment of sightseeing because of you being unfit.

Without being unkind, please do focus on your fitness because if that's a struggle at 28, it is quite bad and you're risking hardly being able to walk more than 15 minutes at 50.

Fwiw, I'm not sure naturally slim is a thing either. IME people who are "naturally" slim, eat regular meals of real food, rarely snack and are generally active, if not super fit

You need to do a bit of stuff together and a bit of time separate. My DH likes to walk non-stop all day from early (out at 8 to find a breakfast place) to post dinner drinks 10pm. I find that exhausting and like to sit and read my book for a bit or even go back to the hotel for a nap. We do spend lots of time together but maybe twice a day for an hour at a time I sit down and let him do something himself or he goes out before breakfast for an explore then tells me where to meet him (he's a VERY early riser).
It's not my fitness (I run regularly), I just want to enjoy my holiday not turn it into an endurance challenge whereas he is as 'always moving' type of person.

I'm sorry but I'm kind of on the side of your boyfriend. I went on holiday with a friend recently and just a stroll around the town meant stopping a few times. Plus walking to and from work (round the corner) and a dog walk morning and night is around 10k so I would be really worried if I couldn't do that and I'm over 50 (not that age is anything to do with it). So definitely for your health I would maybe go to the doctor and get a plan along with some gym options and show your BF you want to get fitter. Ask for his help too as I don't think this relationship will last otherwise.

Yeah that doesn't help, i'm 5ft 2 and he's 6ft 1!

We have a similar height difference & probably meet somewhere in the middle pace wise!

My thoughts exactly but I didn’t want to derail the thread. At 30+, you can’t be slim without some combination of an active lifestyle and healthy eating.

OP you could have said 50k steps and people on here would still say they do that in an hour. If it's more than you do normally, in the heat, and also standing for prolonged amounts of time of course it will impact you.

Id consider myself fairly fit and I struggle to walk miles in the heat. If you want to lose weight and get fitter, do it for you not because your boyfriend was being funny with you. I don't think it was kind of him to leave you and not get a taxi on the longer walk.

Yeah we did talk beforehand, and I thought i'd be ok with it. I'm not very active generally with walking etc, so I guess it was just a shock to the system having to do so much.

You haven't given enough details. How long were the expected walks? If we are talking something like 24k steps per walk then he's unreasonable and you should have had a taxi. I would struggle just a bit with lots of hills but I would be stopping at cafes and bars along the way! I am only a little overweight (about 6lbs - can't shift it).

I have to say, I’ve been on the flip side of this and it was awful.

Booked a city break with friend A who (unbeknown to me) doesn’t like walking more than 30-45mins before having a break.

I’ll happily do 20,000 steps on holiday and usually do 15,000 a day at home, we struggled to do 10,000 per day; it was slow, boring and I didn’t get to see as much as I would have liked to (& spent lots on over-priced drinks as we regularly sat in cafes to “rest”). It felt like a waste of annual leave.

In comparison, a similar city break with friend B saw us doing about 25,000 steps a day and we saw EVERYTHING, so much more enjoyable.

I simply wouldn’t go on a city break with friend A again, although I love her company and would potentially do a beach holiday.

So, in short, I bet he was as disappointed as you were with the holiday and in future you’ll want to book something that you’re both going to enjoy. But if he books a city break with a friend instead of you, don’t be surprised.

Well parts of Lisbonne are very hilly plus it was probably hot

I think people are getting very caught up with the issue of your weight and precisely how much walking you did, but to me the more important issue is that somebody you’re in a relationship with saw you struggling and did not have the basic concern for you to suggest a few compromises along the way. So regardless of whether you “should” have been able to do that amount of walking I think YANBU for wanting to feel a little more cared about.

For comparison, I’m basically you Op and went to London with a friend last year. She is super fit and sporty so I made up my mind to grit my teeth, walk whenever she wanted and not complain.
On the train there she announced that she had “a bit of a sore foot” and suggested we take taxis for longer stretches (sore foot was never mentioned again after the break)
and that was just a friend, surely somebody who loves you could have found a way to be a bit kinder?

She did.

Op, why not get a fitbit and make some changes to your everyday routine. I commute to work via train+tube and do an average of 12,000 steps per working day without "trying to exercise" - so you can find a way to get fitter without having to go to the gym or anything like that (I hate gyms and I'm assuming you do too).

Separately, you've only been with your "partner" for 1.5y, he's just a boyfriend really and it doesn't sound like you're compatible. A holiday at the beach or something might have been a lot more relaxing for you.

I consider myself moderately fit, but traipsing around a European capital for 4 days is a busman's holiday imo... depending where you live (if in a major UK city like London or Edinburgh say) then it's like any other weekend. We have cathedrals and museums and cobbled streets aplenty here. Coupled with an over-tall man bossily striding ahead constantly... what a bore!!

You absolutely can. I was naturally slim at 30. I worked in a pub and had a terrible diet with no exercise. I was 5ft 9 and 9 stone for years.

Perhaps we can all do a bit of a holiday shuffle @WelshRabBite
i’ll go on a city break with Op and your friend and we can ride about in taxis and visit nice cafes (whilst exploring by walking for 30-45 mins at a time)
You can have OP’s Dp, I’m sure he’s a great bloke!! 😆

I don't particularly agree with this. I'm a foot shorter than my husband. On average, I take 20% more steps than he does to cover the same distance. I'm not fitter than him, but I don't feel any more tired after a normal walk than he does. When you're walking what would be considered everyday distances on unchallenging terrain, 20% more steps is pretty insignificant and a person of normal fitness wouldn't feel it.

I'd easily do 20,000+ steps a day on a spring city break, but it's 33 degrees in Lisbon at the moment and it's hilly. I think I'd need regular stops too. I actually think 33 is too hot for a walking holiday.

Yeah I have an Apple watch but its broken, I want to replace it.

We have done beach holidays before but this was the first full city break.

To be struggling with those distances, spread over a whole day, at 28 is a worry. Regardless of your weight, don't you ever walk anywhere OP?

Had you never been on days out that involved being on your feet all day?

I think that instead of focussing on your boyfriend's response - which to be honest doesn't seem unreasonable - you should instead work on your weight and fitness. I'm more than twice your age, and would have no difficulty at all walking those distances. I usually walk on average 15,000 steps a day - potentially twice that when on holiday. You're a young woman, and I know that weight can sneak on and be difficult to shift, but it's clearly having a very negative impact on your health.

If he is over six feet and slim and is also, of course, a man, his stamina is likely to be much greater than yours. I would think a 45 minute walk to a museum and then walk around it and then go somewhere else was a lot, especially if it is hot, and I am reasonably fit. Walking round a city in the heat is very tiring and you are small (and a bit overweight) with shorter legs than him. He needs a lesson in the difference in biology between men and women and why his stupid refusal to take a taxi was most unfair and, if he was guilt-tripping you into doing such long walks, dangerous.

Sounds great 😂😂