AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

A hard day city sightseeing for me and DH is 25 to 35 thousand steps. You really need to up your fitness as that level of walking is less than an average normal day for most adults. Your health will be taking a hit.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. [...]
I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.
AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

To be fair, if you expected him to hide his disappointment just to make you feel better, then yes, that is too much to expect. He is allowed to feel disappointed and to show it, especially if you misled him beforehand that it was all going to be fine.
He was not wrong to leave you in a café while he carried on with the planned sightseeing. That was a sensible compromise.

How repeatedly and fully have you apologised to him?

I’ve said Yabu because my dh is like this - and I know I have to be fighting for hols!

On our honeymoon we stopped in a cute little town which had a cable car up a small mountain and dh said it would be a lot more scenic to walk. He set off at a brisk pace and I did have to ask him to stop. I thought I might expire halfway up that hill!

Ever since I have been very careful to manage expectations.

I won’t tell you about the time I caught Covid flying out to Disneyland…

To be fair, if you expected him to hide his disappointment just to make you feel better, then yes, that is too much to expect. He is allowed to feel disappointed and to show it, especially if you misled him beforehand that it was all going to be fine

@StandingDeskDisco if OP had been taken ill or exhausted because of a difficult past week at work or had her arm in a sling would you still think it ok for him to share his disappointment and require an apology.

it’s shitty behaviour

That amount of steps shouldn’t be too much if you’re young and healthy but if he’s tall and you’re short it can feel like youare running or doing a power walk if he doesn’t slow his pace down ( my dh is tall and I have to deliberately hang back at times as he forgets otherwise and walks naturally for him with long strides but for short little me it’s fast walking ) also was it it hot? I couldn’t be striding along in the heat for long either.

Lisbon is hilly & it was hot, so anyone would struggle a bit more, however, at 28 you're really young, & the fact it was so difficult is really concerning. It's also concerning that you don't walk really in every day life- that's where to start, it's the best exercise as you can do it anywhere at any time for as long/little as you like, & it's free! Get a podcast on/ favourite music (I've been known to dance-walk when I'm in a park with no-one around!😆) & start little & often.

Your partner should have compromised & got the tram or a taxi back from some places, but I do also get hos disappointment.

Do you want to share your BMI & maybe posters will understand a bit more? But understandable if you don't.

That's not a massive amount of steps - most people do that daily.

You need to work on your fitness, and ofc he is allowed to be disappointed, the way you were because he didn't want to taxi it around?

Why does she have to apologise repeatedly? How many times is it required?

If she had been taken ill or been in an accident, that is an entirely different scenario.
Obviously.

I knew as soon as you said city break it was Lisbon. It is brutal for hills. We stayed in the city centre but our hotel was at the top of a huge hill. Was horrid for getting back in the heat or of an evening.

yes it’s a wake up call for you, and yes it’s unfortunate that the holiday didn’t go to plan but genuinely if he wasn’t supportive and kind and understanding, and turned down solutions that would have meant you both could have enjoyed the holiday then I genuinely don’t think he’s a keeper. He sounds pretty selfish and unsupportive.

walking early in the day, taxis to further out places and walking back, wine stops every couple of hours, and going at a realistic pace all would have been better, especially in summer heat.

get rid of him. And then get on track for a more healthy lifestyle and lose some weight for yourself

You are right. Not repeatedly. Just clearly and sincerely.

It must have been really hot OP - I would be struggling to walk all day in that heat.

I walked the Camino - the hotter days at the beginning were very tough indeed! But on the other hand after the first two weeks I had built up my stamina and strength hugely.

Four days isn’t really enough to do that so you would been struggling all the way through - not much fun for you.

12k steps is nothing. If you find that too much, you have a huge problem, you need to face that. And I think it's him that has a right to be disappointed, I know I would, as city breaks are all about walking and enjoying the sites. You might need to accept you are incompatible as a couple.

Sorry OP I am quite shocked that you couldn’t manage these distances at your age. I’m 20 years older than you and I would do this just commenting to work sometimes. Do you have underlying health issues, in which case you need to address them and your DP needs to be a bit more understanding

Just skim read and I can see you getting a hammered a bit about your fitness, which isn't really what you were asking.

Regardless of how many steps you were doing, what temperature it was or what dress size you are, I do think any kind partner would hear their OH say they were struggling or see them in pain and at least offer a compromise - a taxi to an area, walking around, then a taxi back, for example, or less walking on one day to allow for some rest.

I'd have said YABU but your boyfriend's pace will have been considerably different to yours and he didn't seem to allow for that, which, seems selfish. It was your city break too.

You can lose weight and get fitter, which I suggest you do, but you can't get longer legs.

You can also dump your boyfriend, if you want to.

You worked in a pub. On your feet all day. How is that not active? Are you saying that if you had been working in a call centre sitting at a desk all day, you would have been the same weight if you maintained the terrible diet? Because that’s a nonsense.

My long term boyfriend is very fit, I am reasonably fit but carry a bit of extra weight. If we’re doing something active on holiday where I might hold him up, I send him out for a run first thing so he’s worn off some of his energy, Then we can take the day at a more leisurely pace.

Barring certain health conditions, a 30 year-old with a sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy (calorie-surplus) diet will become overweight. It’s bonkers to suggest otherwise.

You will get a lot of replies here just telling you you shouldn’t have gained so much weight, you need to lose weight. But you know that.

Yes I think it’s a shame that he wasn’t a bit more understanding. Yes he can be sad that you’re needing to take it easier on the last few days but surely it’s more important you both have a good time together over the holiday just going exactly how he would like.

Sorry it was so rubbish, obviously good luck with losing weight but it’s not really the point is it, you needed to adapt the holiday and he wouldn’t do that to ensure you both had a good time

Tbh, if I was with a 28 year old who couldn't handle a few days walking in a city, I would end the relationship.

Consider your health, OP. If you're in that sort of state at 28, things will be pretty dreadful by 38.

Learn from the experience. Resolve to lose weight and prioritise your health.

Good luck!

You knew it was intended to be an active holiday. You should have started walking long before you went. This would also assist with your weight loss goals. Your partner is probably as disappointed as you are. My husband has a back problem which affects his walking and I always take this into account when choosing holidays or days out together.

True. Sick of people acting like mobility/general health is a prize for people who "do the right thing". Some people who have exercised/eaten well all their lives have issues moving around, and vice versa. Some people aim to get fit, injure themselves, and are worse than before.

To be fair before I fell ill I would walk longer distances in warm weather and just drink plenty of water. I don't think it's an innately male / female thing. I always liked walking. I've never been a runner but enjoyed Couch 2 5k - it's really easy and a good way to get into exercise. Plus you don't have to be mad fit - you can go at your own pace.

I say this as a 5ft 2 person with a 6 ft 2 boyfriend, tell him to slow down! I always drag my boyfriend slower because one of his steps is at least 2 if not 2.5 of mine! If he’s considerate then he should accommodate this.

We recently spent a weekend in London, we did 30,000 steps and went to a concert which was all standing. The next day my feet were so sore I was hobbling everywhere. Some of this was no doubt due to fitness (I’m out of shape) but I do think a lot of it was the long periods of standing. I find standing makes me much achier than walking! Did you spend much time standing or was it really all walking?

As someone not very in shape I probably do tire easier than my partner, but he never grumbles about it. He’s always considerate and kind and will suggest ways to compromise if I want to drive and he wants to walk etc. the fact your boyfriend wouldn’t compromise at all is a bit of a red flag to me! Is he usually understanding or supportive?