AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I’m sorry but I’m with your husband on this one. I myself started to put on weight after the kids ect and found myself at my heaviest and hated it. I work hard and I mean bloody HARD! I had blood tests, saw doctors and even a women’s health professional was half way through menopause and knew I had to make a change. I’m sorry but don’t put this on your partner. Let it be a wake up call to start living a heavier life. After my experience I 100% see why men cheat or leave women of a certain age. I want to keep up with my partner in life and stay healthy for my kids. My husband don’t marry an over weight moaning menopausal women. It also goes both ways. If my husband slowed me down or ruined my holiday booked for site seeing I would wait around for him either. We have one life. BTW I’m ready for the back lash on this but someone needs a wake up every now and again.

Let it be a wake up call to start living a heavier life.

I know this is a typo but it's very funny.

My husband don’t marry an over weight moaning menopausal women.

If your prince of a husband can't bear the idea of a wife in menopause even when he's in advanced middle age himself, better he don't marry any women at all. He's only supposed to be married to one at a time anyway. Does he realise that?

Give it up. You’re being weird. Go and take a walk it seems like you need the fresh air!

The judgement is absolutely shocking.

not the point here but having a couple hours break in a cafe to myself would be bliss. I’d imagine a bit of space wouldn’t be unhelpful. It would have meant he could go at his own pace which is probably faster when he’s with you. And you’d get some peace with a book and a cold drink.

I don’t understand the not wanting to be left / “on my own” thing but that’s my happy place. I know it’s not the
same for everyone.

Get yourself on Mounjaro or wegovy… it’s changed my life! Being overweight and struggling all my life plus rheumatoid arthritis I had to do something, and it’s been the best decision I ever made. If your bmi is 48 you can also ask for weight loss drugs on the nhs, as you have to have a bmi over 40 to qualify. I paid for it and it’s been the best investment, in my health and future that I’ve ever made

spent a day in Lisbon years ago in the summer. At the time I was young & skinny & did tons of walking daily..but in a flat city with cooler weather. Walking in Lisbon in the heat is no joke, it’s super hilly. Regular breaks are highly advisable. I wouldn’t take this as saying too much about your overall fitness. It may or may not say something about your partner’s kindness….holidays don’t always bring out the best in people. Been married 20 years & holidays tend to the times we’re most likely to get irritated with one another :)

Good for you. Have you ever tried that number of steps in Lisbon in the summer though?

I don’t know who’s the bigger problem here, you or your husband. You remind me of the mid 20s general manager in my first very blokey job, loudly announcing how if you got into a relationship the woman isn’t allowed to put on weight and when he saw me hurriedly adding unless she’s pregnant of course. Right, that would make it ok then 😒 . Menopause is a major hormonal change and if my dh doesn’t like how that works for me he can go jump.

I think you are both in denial about how limiting your obesity is and I think if you two are to move forward, you both need to acknowledge it. He is going to get more irritated by someone who is not taking their health seriously and you are just going to get more upset when your poor health isn’t being accommodated.

i saw before deleted. Being overweight is not a personal failing.

All the best @georgiexox

Young, fit, slim, attractive people get cheated on as well. The cheaters just have to think up a different excuse.

I wondered that as well. So he thought an active holiday might kick start the OP to start getting healthier which is why he was unsympathetic when she ducked out of the walking and also went and bought some extra cakes.

I don’t know the boyfriend. He might be a horrible pig. But he might also be worried about you and be trying to help you to get fitter without directly approaching it which I understand from MN is a total no-no and we’re supposed to pretend that having a BMI of 48 is absolutely fine. I must admit OP I don’t even know you and I’m worried for you as you’re so young to be that unfit.

I hope you want this for you too OP. Whether it’s injections or walking more or getting health advice and investigations this may be the time.

A tad misogynistic. We all put on weight. Life is to short to try maintaining a size 6 (which used to be a size 12 btw). It very much depends on the place you are sight-seeing round and how hot it is. I'd almost certainly want some taxis in Paris (though I have done it on foot), but probably not e.g. York and you can't have a taxi round the Doge's palace (12,000 steps - don't do the prison, it's soul-searing) so go prepared.
Fitness freaks are boring when not being holier than thou (which seems to sum up OP's DP).

I've read all OP's posts and she has been very honest and very gracious in responding to people.

She knows she is overweight, she knows she should be fitter, she knows she needs to walk more. But the stand out thing here is how rigid and inflexible the boyfriend was. It was supposed to be a holiday for both of them but he seemed to decide everything, he was not willing to even consider compromises and then got annoyed with OP for not "doing as she was told".

OP actually made quite an effort with the walking, it was a lot more than she is used to. She pushed on through for three days, it's not as if she didn't try to do her best. She didn't stop him doing what he wanted, but he got cross and sulked when she just couldn't. THAT is the problem.

He also sounds a bit stupid. He knew OP was overweight and sedentary when they met. It obviously did not stop him being attracted to her. But most people could work out that she wouldn't have the same fitness and stamina of a 6ft lean sporty bloke.

If he'd been a bit more patient, she could have eased into it a bit better. I went to Disney a couple of years ago and although I'm not overweight I'm heavier than I was when we went before and much more sedentary now due to hybrid working. After the first couple of days my legs and feet ached so much I didn't think I could carry on walking so much every day (you have to walk a lot in Disney to get the most out of it) but we agreed to have a couple of days where we paced ourselves a bit more and built in more breaks and I was able to build up my stamina again. If my family had sneered and sulked at me it would have ruined the holiday.

I don't think either of you understood your marriage vows.

I agree she’s been really honest and open. Unfortunately I don’t think she’ll be coming back to this thread.

I mean he presumably had eyes and can see that his partner is a bigger lass and might therefore struggle with distances in the heat.

Haven’t read the whole thread yet, but just an observation about Mumsnet in general from the first couple of pages.

There is a real tendency for posters to jump in and cross examine an OP with a whole bunch of questions (‘how far was it? Do you have an iPhone?’) rather than deal with the emotional guts of the post.

I can tell from OP’s first post that she knows her weight is the issue and she didn’t want to not be able to do the walking. But she also wanted her DH to be kinder to her

My husband don’t marry an over weight moaning menopausal women.

My husband didn't marry a menopausal woman either, however that's what he's now got. That's how it goes.