AIBU to think my partner could have been a bit more understanding on holiday?

[georgiexox]

We've just got back from a city break and I've been upset since we got back.

I've put on quite a lot of weight over the last few years. I know I have, and I'm trying to lose it, but it's not easy. My partner is naturally slim and loves walking.

We booked a holiday staying in the centre with the intention that most stuff was within walking distance. I genuinely thought I'd cope, but I completely underestimated it. By the second day my feet and back were aching, I was exhausted and finding the hills really difficult.

I kept going because I didn't want to spoil the holiday, but on the third day I asked if we could get taxis for some of the longer walks. My partner looked disappointed and said we'd chosen this type of holiday so we could explore on foot, and we'd miss loads if we started getting taxis everywhere.

He wasn't nasty about it I guess, but was clearly disappointed/frustrated. I ended up sitting in a café on my own for a while in the afternoon while he carried on sightseeing because I just couldn't manage any more walking.

He told me he thought we'd be doing it all together and was disappointed things hadn't worked out that way. I do totally understand that and I felt guilty because I obviously know my weight was the reason.

At the same time, I couldn't help wishing he'd just said, "Don't worry, let's get a taxi," instead of making me feel like I'd spoiled the trip. He says I knew what sort of holiday we'd booked and never said I was worried beforehand, which is true.

AIBU for thinking he could have been a bit more understanding, or is this entirely on me?

I wouldn't be able to say that you are being reasonable or unreasonable. This was an unfortunate situation. Your partner enjoys exploring a city on foot, you wanted to accompany him but in the end you found it too exhausting. With hindsight you should have perhaps sat around at the place you were staying at for an hour or so after he set off then then come out by cab to meet him. That way both of your needs might have been met. It's a really tricky situation. It takes a lot of patience to slow down for someone and make allowances for them but if that person is your age he might not have expected it especially as you agreed to it when you planned the holiday. I hope you can find a way to talk these things over in future.

I always think I can walk further than I actually can before pain kicks in so do try to plan ahead a bit and mention we will take a taxi/train etc sometimes to accommodate that.

You both have valid feelings. You can feel upset that that he could possibly be more understanding. But you can also be more understanding of why he is disappointed.

It doesn’t sound like he was rude or dismissive of you, just sharing his feelings. Which is healthy for a relationship to be good.

Was it really hot there? If so then I also couldn't find the energy to be walking around... but even so losing weight is hard unless you use the jab but that makes you feel ill from what I've heard.. If you think he's worth it and is usually kind then ask for his support to lose weight.. I don't think anyone who's never been overweight understands how really difficult it is to lose it and keep it off. Good luck!!

There are definitely some bullies on here, but most Mumsnetters seem inclined to be helpful.

There can be lots of helpful threads but weight threads always bring out some really ugly attitudes IMO.

Absolutely true.

I think he could have taken a taxi and that would have been kinder, but honestly in his shoes I would be pissed off too. My ex was a heavy smoker, and I used to hate having to either be left alone when we went out or go and stand outside with him because he needed to smoke. (1) it meant I didn't enjoy things as much (always popping out of gigs, meals etc or being left alone and (2) it was bad for his health, so it was hard to be 'supportive' of his 'need' to smoke, which I knew was killing him. It was annoying planning things which would be interrupted by the smoking. The coughing was annoying and unattractive. The yellow fingers. I see a parallel here, and I can see that while OP needed to rest and can't be expected to do something she is physically incapable of (given that she is essentially disabled by virtue of her obesity) it is still frustrating for the partner.

There are some OP's who make you wish you hadn't bothered but OP isn't one. She has a lot going for her and seems a good person.

Sorry that both of you were disappointed by you struggling to keep up.
Good to have those step counts to give us an idea of what we're talking about.
I'm in my 70s, probably a bit overweight, but push myself to do 10k steps a day. I've had to build up to it and sometimes not in the mood but most days I do it and feel better for it.
I'd say, get a new smart watch and go for it!
I don't know about your relationship but it's worth it for your health and well being anyway x

Ok so, OP I think there’s a few things really to consider. 1) yes maybe your health & fitness need a look at , but actually I don’t think that’s the main area to address as 2) you Knew the holiday you’d booked and I’m assuming knew that your partner would want to do a lot of walking , so therefore 3) did you at any point BEFORE the holiday discuss how much activity vs relaxing vs people watching in cafes there would be? If your partner was like ‘I’m gonna start walking at 8am and keep walking seeing as many things as I can until 8pm’ then did you set some boundaries so you say ‘ok, well i would like to see the XYZ and the ABC things but I’m not bothered about the others so how about you see that and I’ll meander the shops/cafes and we meet back here when you’re done?’ BOUNDARIES! I’d say that’s on both you and your partner as BOTH of your expectations of the holiday were wildly different! I don’t think anyone’s in the wrong but I do think you both didn’t communicate with each other about what you were hoping for from the holiday so if it were me, THAT would be the key thing to focus on 👍

@georgiexox You walked a load of steps every day in the heat, uphill, carrying a lot of extra weight. My BMI is about 27, middle of the range for overweight. For me to have the same BMI as you, I’d have to carry the equivalent of a skinny woman on my back. I’d like the people criticising you to think about how they’d cope walking miles uphill in the heat with another person hitching a piggyback ride!
Once you lose the weight, you’re going to be super fit and strong, because you are already super fit and strong. It’s just the weight holding you back. Good luck. You’re doing great.

As someone who loves walking/slim too, I would find this really annoying. I would not ever make my partner feel insecure or go anywhere alone and leave them behind, but I would definitely want to deep down and would feel held back by a partner that couldn’t keep up.

This - with me it happens l reverse l walk while my partner sits and waits for me.
If he left you for 1 hrs or so, no problem, if he left for 3 or 4 hours it's not so nice but you obviously planned the wrong holiday.

I think you need to read all OPs posts, they were doing about 10k steps a day which is about 2 hours of walking per day in total (so including slowly walking around museums). This isn't a lot of walking, it's not 8am-8pm, it is the minimum that the British Heart Foundation suggests everyone should do every day.

There's a word that keeps popping into my mind when I read a lot of the posts on this thread: intolerant.

I'm chiming in to say that I understand how you feel, OP. I think that some of the comments are somewhat harsh.

I'm a great deal older than you (in my mid-sixties), and have gained a lot of weight over the past six years due to various factors (Covid/caring for elderly parent with dementia/working from home/medications/falling off exercise wagon). I was a good walker, though at 5'2", struggled to keep up with people who were much taller because of difference in stride length, but I have gradually become very unfit, and am careful these days about going on holidays or even day trips that will require a lot of walking as I get out of breath, sweaty, and anxious if the pace is too fast, or the weather is hot, or the terrain is steep. I can manage up to 15,000 steps a day with some breaks, but more than that would be a challenge. My friends and family members are aware of my poor fitness levels and are always very sensitive to my limits, but I miss going on hikes with them. I don't have a partner, which likely would be more challenging.

I've just returned from a month-long work/holiday trip to the US, where I used to live. I managed well as I wasn't doing anything that strenuous, but found the heat in the last two days challenging. I actually lost weight despite eating plenty of burgers/pizza/blueberry pie/cookies, etc. presumably because I walked a lot, particularly in New York and spent the days on my feet in art museums. This has given me the motivation to get fit again, so that I can hopefully enjoy my former activities,. It will be challenging as I'm quite old, but I'm planning to go for daily walks and swim several times a week to build up my stamina. Perhaps you can resolve to do that as well. I have a very basic Fitbit, so that I don't have to carry a phone with me all the time, and it is motivating to see the steps add up.

Regarding your partner, I think that you need to talk honestly with him about your trip. You could say that you are aware that you are not as fit as you (and he) would like, and have decided to address the issue, for yourself, but also as you'd like to enjoy trips with him. But you need him to be supportive and also accept that you won't be able to walk as fast as him, given the disparity in your heights. I would also (you might not want to say this; it really depends how serious you are and he is about the relationship and your level of intimacy) add that you don't want your relationship to be dependent on your fitness levels, however; you might not be able to sustain your new-found fitness for all kinds of reasons (sickness/injury, etc.), and want him to value you for what you are as a person. See how he reacts. If he is supportive, good; if not, perhaps you need to think again about your compatibility.

Good luck, OP!

I am not surprised the OP didn’t come back. Post after post of unsolicited weight advice, and really interesting stats about strangers’ step counts and PBs. Must have helped her no end 👍

Posted dozens of times yesterday. Probably just had Saturday plans that didn’t involve spending another day mumsnetting

I don’t like cakes so why would I do that?! 😆

4 days walking in a hot, hilly city is a lot. He should have adapted to your fitness level. There are other ways to explore a city other than walking. He sounds quite inflexible.

That’s not a very helpful comment to make, in fact it is very snarky considering the OP already stated she knows she’s put on a lot of weight and is trying to lose it. She didn’t ask for your opinion on her weight, she asked about how her partner handled her request for taxis.

That's 5 miles isn't it? I think that's quite a lot.